April 2002 Archives

April 26, 2002

Blaming the Pooves

United States: A New York Cardinal has blamed the child sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church on gays! Monsignor Eugene Clark told his congregation that The tendency to homosexuality is a disorder, not a sin, but the practice of homosexuality is truly sinful, that the United States was probably the most immoral country in the Western Hemisphere and that problems were caused by US society being very protective of homosexuality.

An interesting rebuttal has been penned by William Saletan of Slate Magazine:

The one thing everybody knows about the Roman Catholic Church is that you're supposed to confess your sins. Everybody, that is, except the church's leaders. First they failed to come clean about sexual abuse by priests. Then they failed to come clean about having covered up the abuse. Every time they assured the public that nothing else would come out, something else came out. Now the bishops, the cardinals, and conservative interest groups have a new story. The problem, they say, is homosexuality. If the church gets rid of gay priests, everything will be fine. But the more questions you ask about this story, the more contradictions you find. The cardinals' problem isn't that they can't keep the priesthood straight. The problem is that once again, they can't keep their story straight.

He then looks in depth at four key points on which their new alibi doesn't add up.

Monsignor Blames Gay Men For ScandalThe Guardian, 22nd April 2002; Cardinal virtues, cardinal sins. The hypocrisy of blaming sexual abuse by priests on gaysMSNBC News, 24th April 2002.

Do these people eat bread?

The Coca Cola logo reveals its true meaning when viewed in a mirror:

If you read it from left to right (mirror orientation) it clearly says NO MOHAMMAD NO MEKKAH in arabic letters.

Dear Brothers and sisters of Islam, If you are true Muslims then you will not drink Coca cola. Why? Would you really like to drink something that says No Mohammed No Mecca on it? If the answer is YES then in this case you are not suited to be called a Muslim.

And apparently some of the ingredients are extracted in alcohol, so it isn't Halal anyway. Is Coca Cola Haraam? via Avedon Carol's The Sideshow.

April 22, 2002

Poisoned Apples

OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministies is meta-parody, a more subtle satire on Christian groups than the Landover Baptist Church web site it campaigns against. The essay OBJECTIVE: Creation Education rails against Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution:

The random variations of AIDS is not the same as the transmutation of species that Darwin wrote about and that is the basis of Secular Humanism. All those little changes aside, AIDS is still AIDS. Show us AIDS evolving into a cat -- which is essentially the Evolutionistic position of common ancestry for all lifeforms -- and then you'll have something worth noting.

The true source of all evil is Apple, offering us temptation, thereby aligning themselves with the forces of darkness:

However, these propagandists aren't just targeting the young. Take for example Apple Computers, makers of the popular Macintosh line of computers. The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called... Darwin! That's right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don't advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an Open Sourcelicense, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, lickable buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism.

Guilty as charged - the Prattle, both online and in print, is Made with Macintosh.

Not so grey and boring after all.

Aberdeen is the most ungodly city in Britain according to a group of evangelical Christians, who plan to bring up to 4,000 missionaries to the city for 40 days in June and July. Backed by Somebody Cares America, a group based in the United States, Jesus Revolution 2002 plans to spend around £30,000 trying to convince the Aberdeen's children that they need an imaginary friend. They have tried to gain access to schools, making no attempt to get permission from the local education authority, plan to disturb every single household in the city and have made a TV advertisement which aims to win converts by insulting Aberdeen. Scottish Media Monitor, May 2002.

Foreigners out (except me).

An English immigrant is campaigning against a multi-faith retreat in the Scottish Highlands and plans to use European human rights legislation to stop the centre which he claims will corrupt the Christianity of Diabaig, Wester Ross. Colin Jordan is best known for his neo-nazi involvement, forming the British National Party in 1959, Spearhead in the early 1960s and the British National Socialist Movement in 1968. He remains confused today--despite his stand for Christianity--which has been ignored by locals, Highland Council and the local press--he has named his cottage Thor Nook. He funds his campaigns against foreigners with his French wife's money. Neo-fascist fights to stop multifaith centre in village - The Guardian, April 22nd 2002. (Thanks to Charlie Stross).

April 19, 2002

Dip me in honey

The Lesbian Studies Institute isn't a terribly worthy project at a progressive educational establishement. No, it's a nonprofit corporation with a mission to track, synthesize and expose the secret, social and political corruption of America's powerful, government financed lesbian mafia, apparently inspired by Nehemiah 4:14:

Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses.

Now, lots of straight men have fantasies about women having sex with women, but this gentleman seems to be traumatised by the idea. Maybe God sent him a vision of Ann Widdecombe and Andrea Dworkin at it. At the Lesbian Studies Institute, we learn that feminism and lesbianism are the same thing and that there is an evil lesbian-feminist conspiracy to outlaw heterosexuality. Lesbians are a sinister force working to destroy America's existing culture:

The way they manipulate the American public is a very complicated set of circumstances, and requires an enormous amount of analytical deliberations to unravel their master plan. And I will say (matter of fact) I broke their code, I unlocked their secrets, I deciphered their manifesto, and you better believe me, it's scary!!

And who is behind this sinister conpiracy? Hilary Clinton, who is bisexual and fools around more than her husband.

April 18, 2002

Grove intruder guilty

A man faces up to 14 years in prison after being found guilty of burglary, arson and brandishing a weapon at a police officer. The charges stemmed from Richard McCaslin's armed intrusion of Bohmeian Grove (see Prattle, January 24th). He claimed he wanted to draw attention to human sacrifices, which he believed went on at the grove, but the jury decided this proved criminal intent and that he was simply taking the law into his own hands. One juror told the Press Democrat:

Our world is full of people that think God calls them to a greater purpose and that gives them an excuse. Unfortunately, he's an American terrorist.

Bohemian Grove intruder guilty - Press Democrat, April 17th 2002.

April 17, 2002

He didn't see it coming.

A Scottish radio station has closed one of its studios, blaming ghosts for attacks on presenters and technical faults. One of the victims, astrologer Frank Pilkington offered to exorcise the studio after he received mysterious scratches on his arm, but Radio Clyde bosses plan to turn the studio back into a storeroom and build a new facility elsewhere. Ghosts force Clyde to close studio - Sunday Mail, not dated (probably April 14th 2002).

Bishop resigns

A German bishop has resigned amid allegations that he sexually assaulted a woman during an exorcism. Auxiliary Bishop Franziskus Eisenbach denies the allegations and has resigned because of the negative pubicity. A representative for the archdiocese of Mainz said:

The woman was a Protestant and wished to convert. At the same time she had private visions that she couldn't cope with. The auxiliary bishop was familiar with the spiritual issues involved. During this long process there was close physical proximity. But contact was not sexual in a narrow sense.

German Bishop Quits Amid Sex Abuse Allegations - Reuters (via Yahoo! News, April 16th 2002.

April 15, 2002

Gd lvs u

Filipino Catholics can now learn that "Gd lvs u" thanks to a new service offered by the Catholic Church in conjunction with the two top mobile phone companies and the Dublin-based Jesuit Communication Centre. To access Catextism, users send the word "Amen" to a special number to get a menu of spiritual readings and prayers. The gospel according to SMS - The Star (South Africa), April 12th 2002.

An older story linked to from the one above: A court has allowed superstitious taxpayers in St. Petersburg, Russia, to pay their tax without being issued with a tax card, which many regard as Satanic. The cards contain a barcode which the plaintiffs (mistakenly) claim conatins the number 666. Court tosses devilish digits out of tax card - IOL, February 21st 2002.
Urban Legends Reference Page on barcodes and the Number of the Beast

April 14, 2002

Haunted Knickers

The owner of a Margate sex shop plans to bring in a psychic to deal with some untidy ghosts. The restless spirits are thought to be those of prostitutes from a brothel which formerly stood on the site. Most nights, they throw knickers and bras all over the shop floor. As the owner, Alan Butler, put it, It's like an orgy's taken place. Sex shop 'haunted by messy prostitutes' ghosts' - Ananova, April 14th 2002.

Painting the Forth Bridge

Someone is more obsessed with naughty vicar stories than I am. The Clergy Abuse Tracker is a weblog linking to articles about sexual abuse by clergy.

Bargain of the Day: Catholic freebies

Ever wanted to Know Exactly What the Pope Is Saying and Thinking? Maybe a Profitable Catholic Home Business Opportunity is what you need? Well, as long as you are in the United States, you're in luck. All this, and many more catalogues, samples and more great free stuff for Catholics is available via Catholic Freebies. (via Holy Weblog!)

April 12, 2002

Live Nude Vicars

Wales: Welsh Anglicans are in for a surprise if they miss off the .uk part of the Church In Wales' URL because http://www.churchinwales.org/ redirects to Tina's Free Live Cam, a 19-year old exhibitionist student's webcam. The Church is not amused, but a spokesman commented that it would be impossible to buy all the additional domains.

Churchgoers shocked as stripper 'hijacks' websiteAnanova, April 12th 2002.
The Church In Wales / Yr Eglwys yng Nghymru, in case you're interested.

Church won't report abuse

Roman Catholic authorities in Mexico have refused to report cases of alleged child abuse by priests to secular authorities, and will not give any statistics relating to the problem. Some bishops deny that the problem exists at all. This attitude is in complete contrast to that seen in the United States, where the Roman Catholic Church has decided to treat such allegations seriously, to cooperate with investigations and to stop shielding child abusers in its heirarchy. Bishops won't report pedophilia - CNN Europe, April 12th 2002.

April 7, 2002

Queen Mum burns in Hell

Prattle favourite Fred Phelps apparently thinks the UK is an absolute monarchy, and that the Queen's rôle in government is far greater than that of a ritual rubber-stamper. He also appears to have an interesting reversed interpretation of that well-known Biblical saying found in Exodus 20:5, Exodus 34:7, Numbers 14:18 and Deuteronomy 5:9:

I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me.

According to a Westboro Baptist Church press release issued on April 2nd, the Queen Mother (The mother of harlots & abominations of the earth) is in Hell because of the actions of her evil daughter - Queen Elizabeth II;, her whoremongering grandson - Prince Charles;, her harlot daughter Margaret (who apparently fornicated her way all over the British Isles & Commonwealth) and the Elton John whore, Diana.

Having made herself a worldwide role mode by her courageous dignity during Hitler's bombing campaign of London in WWII -- such that Hitler called her the most dangerous woman alive -- the Queen Mother used her role model status -- for 80 years! -- to lead millions of youth to Hell in a harlots'/faggots' handbasket.

The result of this is that England is now God-cursed with these mongrel royal perverts --fit only for eternal Hell! Those of us in Scotland, the land of her birth, are apparently safe as the Lord God Almighty is an American who can't tell the difference between the United Kingdom and England. Queen Mother in Hell! (PDF file)—Westboro Baptist Church News Release, April 2nd 2002.

Even bishops oppose faith schools.

A group including six bishops and a number of well-known scientists has written to the Prime Minister to express concern over his plans for "faith schools" and the teaching of creationism in British schools. The letter, drafted by Bishop of Oxford, Richard Harries and signed by Richard Dawkins, Sir David Attenborough and others, states:

Evolution is not, as spokesmen for the college maintain, a faith position in the same category as the biblical account of creation which has a different function and purpose. It is a scientific theory of great explanatory power, able to account for a wide range of phenomena in a number of disciplines. The issue goes wider than what is currently being taught in one college. There is a growing anxiety about what will be taught and how it will be taught in the new generation of proposed faith schools. We believe that the curricula in such schools, as well as that of Emmanuel City Technical College, need to be strictly monitored in order that the respective disciplines of science and religious studies are properly respected.

Bishop warns Blair over danger of creationism - The Observer, April 7th 2002.

April 6, 2002

Important football result! (and some naughty vicars)

Naughty vicar stories abound today:
Pope accepts bishop's resignation over sex-charge priest - Ananova, 6th April 2002.
Cardinal accused of sexual abuse - Ananova, 6th April 2002.
Report: District Attorney asks for grand jury to probe allegations of sex abuse by priests - New Jersey Online, 6th April 2002.
Priest Accused of Child-Sex Abuse Commits Suicide - Fox News, 5th April 2002.

But, to me, this is the day's most important news: Man City seal promotion - BBC Sport, 6th April 2002.

April 5, 2002

Pub protects against spirits

A pub landlord in Suffolk has insured his premises against ghosts. The Royal Falcon Hotel in Lowestoft is next to a graveyard and is reputedly haunted by a monk who committed suicide. Customers can now drink safely knowing that up to £1 million will be paid out if they are killed or suffer permanent disability caused by ghosts, poltergeists or other abnormal phenomena on the premises;. Landlord insures against ghosts harming drinkers - Ananova, April 4th 2002.

Another fundie doesn't like having the piss taken.

Jerry Falwell has complained to the World Intellectual Property Organization over a site which satirises his extremist views. He claims the site, JerryFalwell.Com violates a common law trademark of his name. The non-commercial site parodies Falwell's views that September 11 was God punishing an unrighteous America and urges readers to follow all of God's Word, not just the bits affecting people you don't like:

Thank you for giving me a second chance to express my views about the recent terrorist attack. While it is true that in my heart I believe that God is punishing our nation, I now know the real reason that God is so angry. We have been claiming to be a God-fearing, and a scripture following nation, but we have only been "cherry picking" the Bible. If you think that the Bible is a morality guidebook, to pick and choose from, then you should leave now. If you believe as I do that the Bible is the word of God to be followed, then we must follow the entire Bible. God has commanded men not to shave their beards (Leviticus 21:5). That means we must never cut or trim our beards, or we will go to hell for disobeying God. I am asking that all American men stop shaving at once. We must show God that we are faithful to ALL of his commandments... You must not ask yourself what would Jesus do, you must ask what DID Jesus do! Jesus did not cut his beard, and wants us to also follow God's word in order to be a righteous nation.

In a previous attempt to stop people making fun of him, Falwell famously sued Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. He lost that case, as the Supreme Court decided that even the most extreme parodies were protected by the First Amendment - that part of the United States Constitution which guarantees freedom of speech. Rev. Jerry Falwell files complaint over Web site bearing his name - Boston Globe, April 4th 2002.

Schools are for education, not brainwashing.

One of the biggest teaching unions has voted against the use of taxpayers' money to fund schools with exclusive and discriminatory philosophies. The National Association of Schoolmasters Union of Women Teachers (NASUWT) opposed the creation of faith schools because they would encourage social fragmentation. Instead, they called for a more universally secular state education system and encouraged existing schools to break their links with churches. Union votes for end to faith schools - The Guardian, April 5th 2002.

April 4, 2002

Laissez-faire

Anti-semitic attacks in France are on the increase. Since last weekend's attacks on three synagogues, two Jewish school buses have been torched in a Paris suburb and molotov cocktails have been thrown through the windows of a synagogue in Montpelier. Although politicians have used strong words, the authorities seem to be doing little to catch the thugs responsible, and French Jews are increasingly worried. The attacks have been blamed on unorganised Muslim youths. Fresh attacks on French Jews - BBC News, April 4th 2002.

Drawing blanks

Fundie businessman Brian Souter has dropped a defamation action against political cartoonist Steve Bell. The action was based on cartoons published at the time Souter spent over £1 million trying to prevent the repeal of the notorious Section 2a (Section 28 in England and Wales) in Scotland. He now has to pay the costs of both sides. Stagecoach boss drops libel action - The Guardian, April 4th 2002.
Today's Steve Bell cartoon.

April 3, 2002

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Miami police have no plans to charge a man who shot and injured a preacher. The preacher first entered the house of a woman, ranted and raved about God, then took off his clothes. He then ran over the road to another residence, where the owner shot him. Naked Preacher Shot, Police Say - MyCFnow.com, suspiciously posted on the the morning of April 1st, 2002.

Merde

Jacques Chirac has promised to find and severely punish the vandals who burned down a synagogue in Marseille, the most devastating of three attacks on French synagogues over the weekend. Synagogues in Strasbourg and Lyon were also set on fire, but the blazes were put out before any serious damage was done. The attacks have been linked to violence in the Middle East, rather than the far right. Arsonists destroy French synagogue - Ananova, April 1st 2002.

That must sting.

A Catholic convert willingly allowed himself to be stripped, insulted, beaten and tied to a cross last Friday. Lawrence Gitta carried the cross through Luweero, Uganda, for three hours before the bizarre ceremony which was organised by two churches in the town. Born-Again Tortured And 'Crucified' -- Kampala New Vision, April 2nd 2002 (via allAfrica.com).

Meanwhile, 18 people allowed themselves to be nailed to crosses in the Philipines, in spite of official disapproval. The Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines consideres the practice to be a misrepresentation of the Roman Catholic faith, and just a tourist attraction, rather than a genuine act of penance. The eight-inch nails are sterilised before use. Filipinos nailed to crosses in Easter 'sacrifice' - Ananova, March 29th 2002 (with detailed pictures).
Bishops tell faithful not to crucify themselves during Holy Week -- Ananova, March 25th 2002.

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