United States: Duane and Matt fight it out over just whose personal saviour the lord is:
What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying that because I told you I'd been born again into new life in the love and grace of our Lord, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus. Let's get one thing clear: Jesus is my personal savior, not yours. I don't want you horning in on my eternal-salvation action.
Duane decides to move onto greener pastures:
Okay, fine. Jesus is your personal savior. Congratulations! Matt's found eternal bliss in the afterlife, everybody! He's a big man! Go ahead—enjoy worshipping your newfound Messiah all you want. I'm moving on. From now on, Jesus is no longer my own personal Savior. You can have Him all to yourself. I'm leaving behind selflessness and forgiveness and individual sacrifice for the greater good, and I'm finding something else to center my universe on.
From now on, I'm devoting myself, heart and soul, to cool old sports cars. And I don't want to see you in six months talking about how awesome the '63 Corvette is, either. Collectible '60s sports cars are for me only. Got it? Good. Now, go and enjoy your transubstantiation of bread and wine into the body and blood of the Lord in the holy sacrament of Communion and leave me alone.
What's that? Oh, I'm being an asshole about it, am I? Thou sayest, motherfucker. Thou sayest.
No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior - The Onion, 3rd December 2003.
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