God Equation Total Bollocks

March 17, 2004

By Red Wolf

United Kingdom: Dr Stephen Unwin, Manchester University graduate and professional wingnut, has calculated that there is a 67% chance that God exists.

Dr Stephen Unwin has used a 200-year-old formula to calculate the probability of the existence of an omnipotent being. Bayes' Theory is usually used to work out the likelihood of events, such as nuclear power failure, by balancing the various factors that could affect a situation.

The Manchester University graduate, who now works as a risk assessor in Ohio, said the theory starts from the assumption that God has a 50/50 chance of existing, and then factors in the evidence both for and against the notion of a higher being.

Factors that were considered included recognition of goodness, which Dr Unwin said makes the existence of God more likely, countered by things like the existence of natural evil — including earthquakes and cancer.

Aloysius finds the whole claim a bunch of old cobblers.

His methodology puts me very much in mind of the following.

Suppose we're given two variables, A and B.

Let A=B.

A(A-B)=A2-AB=A2-B2=(A+B)(A-B).

Cancelling, A=A+B.

Let B=1.

Then subtracting A from each side, 0=1. Call this equation (*).

Winston Churchill has one head. Therefore, by (*), Winston Churchill has no head.

Winston Churchill has no green leafy top. Therefore Winston Churchill has one green leafy top.

Multiply each side of the equation (*) by two. Then two equals zero. Since Winston Churchill has two arms and two legs, Winston Churchill has no arms and no legs.

Multiply each side of (*) by the waist size of Winston Churchill. Then the waist size of Winston Churchill is zero: Winston Churchill tapers to a point.

Multiply each side of (*) by l, where l is the wavelength in nanometers of any photon reflected off of Winston Churchill. Then l=0 nm. Now multiply each side of (*) by 620 nanometers: 620 nm=0 nm. Therefore, we obtain l=620 nm. Winston Churchill is orange.

Winston Churchill has no head, no arms, no legs, and a green leafy top; he tapers to a point; and he's orange. Therefore Winston Churchill is a carrot.

Which just goes to show that if you plug batshit into an equation, you shouldn't be surprised when you get pureed hogsbollocks out.

Odds on that God exists, says scientist - The Guardian, 8th March 2004 (via HogBlog).

2 comments

Anonymous Fuckwit | March 17, 2004 09:18 | Reply

[Deleted]

A Voice of Sanity | September 5, 2008 05:01 | Reply

It's a squared symbol (2 superscript), not a 2.

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March 17, 2004