United States: Aloysius once again casts and amusing and enlightening look at traditional stories.
As the last minutes of this most blessed holiday leak slowly like marmalade through the cracks in the aged jar of Time, let us pause and remember that Easter is not just a time of chocolate, but a deeply spiritual occasion.
Do you know the story of Easter, boys and girls? No? Then listen...
For the Lord our God so loved mankind that he sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to die upon the cross for our sins. And on the third day, Jesus rose from the dead, and emerged from his sepulchre to share God's grace with the faithful and uplift their hearts, and also to eat their brains. For the resurrected Jesus was a zombie, and zombies crave brains above all other things. Zombie Jesus blessed and terrorised the devout across the world, awash in a sea of gore and atonement, until at last his undead body washed ashore upon Easter Island in 1978. Here on Easter Island lived a most enlightened Bunny, fluffed with wisdom and cleverness. Zombie Jesus would have devoured the Bunny for his sweet bunny brain, but the Easter Bunny was full of tricks:Oh Lord,said the Easter Bunny,gladly do I give up my life to Thee; my only regret is that I shall die before I can share with Thee my collection of delicious gourmet chocolate-covered brains.And Zombie Jesus spoke thus:Aaargh! Waargh! Glaarp! Brains! Brains!And he did spare the Easter Bunny, who led him hippity-hop to a clutch of chocolate eggs. Seeing them, Zombie Jesus did think them brains, and gorged himself upon them until he was fat and bloated and pimply and weak and sluggish from an excess of junk food, and his teeth all rotted and fell out of his mouth, and he spoiled his dinner. And the Easter Bunny and his friends — the Groundhog, the Reindeer, the Pentecost Walrus, the Lincoln's Birthday Giant Robot — did tip over a giant stone head, crushing Zombie Jesus to a pulp. And this pulp was harvested by an alliance of the Catholic Church and major confectioners and processed into a cloying yet holy marshmallowy fluff and extruded into the form of tiny chicks, so that all might eat of the Body of Christ and be absolved of their sins.
And that is why we crucify Marshmallow Peeps.
Next time, children, we will learn where babies come from! (Answer: machines.)
Easter Greetings - HogBlog, 11th April 2004.