August 19, 2004

Bargain of the Day: Heaven Insurance

While clearing out my spam filters, my attention was caught by the words HEAVEN INSURANCE - NOW AVAILABLE - FOR THE FIRST TIME! . The web-bug-laden HTML message was fortunately unreadable on my machine, but appears to be identical to the web site:

I don't know about you, but I definitely want to go to Heaven. I live my life according to God's will and like many of us, I'm not perfect. I'm not sure if going to church is enough and figured that my family and friends could use a little extra help. Heaven Insurance* will provide that help. That's why we created this certificate and it is already helping people all over the world!

For only $19.95 you can buy an insurance policy that will INSURE* your loved one's entrance into

God's Kingdom.

Your Heaven Insurance* certificate will remind and encourage your loved ones to keep their spirit true.

It will consistently remind them to work toward and remain on the path to better living and to take comfort in the ways and security that faith in The Lord provides.

The Certificate Says: To guarantee that the aforementioned individual shall go to Heaven at the end of their life on earth. It also contains a beautiful and important quote from Psalms 145:18 which states The Lord is close to all who call on Him, yes, to all who call on Him sincerely.

See all those asterisks? You didn't think that spamming bastards would actually offer a legitimate product, did you? No, this attempt to sell expensive pieces of paper to the insecure is a gift/novelty item and is not an actual insurance policy. It is intended strictly as an artistic novelty designed to remind and encourage those with a true spirit to work toward and remain on the path to better living and to take comfort in the ways and security that faith in the lord [sic.] provides. And not a money-making scam. A similar attempt to fleece the gullible is this Ticket To Heaven we featured back in 2002.


"Indulgences" is such an old-fashioned word.


I don't know why, but I for some reason I thought it was going to be insurance against ending up in heaven :)

...'should you, despite your deeds of uttermost evil, apostasy and/or professions of blackest heresy, find yourself raptured or otherwise translated either corporally or incorporally into Heaven* -- for instance due to being one of the elect, or some other mischance or Act of God -- this policy wil pay to you the sum of <dr evil>ONE MILLION DOLLARS</dr evil> plus reimbursement of any legal fees incured in actions against the offending Almighty God for property damage, loss of income, emotional distress, or other legitmate legal claim for damages due to the actions of said Almighty God by causing such translation of the policy holder into said Heaven.'


'*Only fully accredited Christian Heavens are covered by this policy, please talk to your chosen Independent Financial Advisor for details of qualifying and non-qualifying heavens covered or excluded by law under the Financial Services Act of 1987 or suceeding relevant legislation.'

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Evangelism, witnessing and similar activitites go by one name here—advertising, and is no different from spam for viagra, penis enlargement products and pornography. We do not take advertising. If you want to advertise your imaginary friend, please spend your own money on your own web space to do so. Any attempts to use the comments section for advertisements will be deleted, and the perpetrator barred, unless they are particularly stupid, in which case I reserve the right to pinch an idea from Teresa Nielsen Hayden and delete all the vowels.

Allowed HTML: a href, b, br, p, strong, em, ol, ul, li, blockquote, q, pre. If your name has accents in it, things will (hopefully!) work better if you use the XHTML entities for those letters. The same applies if you are using a word processor to compose your comment, then copying and pasting the text—either turn off curly quotes and avoid using em-dashes, or edit your comment after pasting to get rid of them. Garbled comments usually get deleted.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Feòrag published on August 19, 2004 1:09 PM.

Spooks, but not the KGB was the previous entry in this blog.

Bargain of the Day: Christian Torch is the next entry in this blog.

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