March 2005 Archives

March 31, 2005

Fundies Ban Condoms, People Die

Zambia: Hot on the heels of one story about the problems caused by loony fundies blocking access to condoms is another one, this time from Zambia.

Bush is running a program against AIDS in Africa based on — you guessed it — sexual abstinence and marital fidelity, relegating condoms a distant third. All well and good, aside from the small fact that it's killing people.

The stark reality is that what kills young women here is often not promiscuity, but marriage. Indeed, just about the deadliest thing a woman in southern Africa can do is get married.

March 27, 2005

Pharmacist to Thank for Teen Pregnancy Rate

Australia: Loony fundies are a funny bunch of people. They don't like people having abortions, yet are more than happy to sneer at teenaged mothers and do their darnedest to cut off all support possible. One particular loony fundie in Merriwa, a small rural town in the New South Wales Hunter Valley, has managed to take his moral and ethical stance one step further and landed the town with the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in the country. The wingnut in question is the proprietor of the town's sole chemist and he refuses to stock condoms or the morning-after pill.

March 22, 2005

Bargain of the Day: Another door.

Clearly inspired by an earlier effort, today we have another divine door, even if all I can see is Gandalf! The vendors insist this is a Miracle Door-Image of God's Face

[A veneered door]This wooded door has an image of the face of God (look for yourself). This image appeared at a time when our family was going through problems. Since the appearance, it had brought positive outcomes and our faith back. Our family calls this door the Miracle Door. The door measures approximately 23 1/2" wide and 78 1/2" long.

You will not regret buying this door. This door will only bring you positive outcomes. Seller paying shipping cost!!!

You know, looking more closely at that image, it looks more like Satan than anything else - you can even see the horns! Ain't nature wonderful?

Stupid Questions

Australia: It's coming up Easter and for most people this will mean holidays and chocolate, but for the fundies it's just another opportunity to be offensive. Their efforts at education have resulted in creative comebacks from the great unwashed.

The Christians at the ABC have been papering the Ultimo building with pamphlets asking 'What does Easter mean?', writes Melissa Mason, of Marrickville. Among the answers scrawled over them, one clever wag has written 'Further to the east'.

Column 8 - Sydney Morning Herald, 22nd March 2005.

March 21, 2005

Bargains of the Day: more simulacra.

The pious imaginations are in overdrive today, with two holy apparitions appearing on eBay. First up THE AMAZING HOLY GOD MUSSEL:

[Shellfish with interesting natural decoration]I found this amazing item whilst strolling along the beach in Christchurch, England. I couldn't quite believe it at first, but the mussel actually says 'God' on it! The holy inscription was written by a tube worm (Pomatoceros trigueter), though this one was clearly trying to tell us something! These worms usually leave meaningless white deposits on mussels, as I'm sure we've all seen in restaurants/ on the beach.

I thought the mussel was too exciting to leave on the shore, so I picked it up and took it home. Almost instantly things started to happen which made me think the mussel is lucky, or holy or something! Things have been going so much better at Uni and at home (for example my boyfriend and my sister's boyfriend both asked us to marry them within a week!), that it can't just be coincidence. With the mussel still in my pocket on the way home I found a ten pound note on the pavement! I believe it has given me really good luck, and since I am training to be a Vet (five years of University training in England doesn't come cheap!), I think it's time to pass the luck of the mussel onto someone else, and let it bring me my final bit of help.

I hope it brings you as much luck as it has brought me. I will also send with the mussel a signed certificate from me to confirm where I found it, as I think the fact it was found in 'Christ Church' makes it even more significant!

I am even less convinced by this JESUS PROFILE FOUND IN A PIECE OF POPCORN :

[Jesus in popcorn, apparently]JESUS PROFILE FOUND IN A PIECE OF POPCORN. IT IS TRUE, SEE THE PHOTO! I WAS EATING POPCORN ONE DAY AND DISCOVERED THIS PIECE WITH A LIKENESS OF JESUS. AS SEEN IN THE PICTURE, HE IS LOOKING LEFT. YOU CAN SEE HIS CHIN, MOUTH, NOSE, EYE AND HAIR AND NECK. WHEN I WENT TO PHOTOGRAPH THIS POPCORN WITH MY DIGITAL CAMERA SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENED. I COULD NO LONGER USE THE VIEW FEATURE AFTER THE FIRST PICTURE WAS TAKEN. WHEN I DOWN LOADED THE IMAGES ON MY COMPUTER THE CAMERA WORKED FINE AFTER THAT. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS A FLUKE OR THE CAUSE OF A HIGHER POWER. BECAUSE THIS IS FOOD I CAN NOT GUARANTEE IT'S CONDITION AFTER SHIPPING. BUT POPCORN IS PRETTY STABLE, AND EVEN WHEN STALE, CAN LAST A LONG TIME.

Teenage mutant ninja turtle

United States: Last October, a fire destroyed Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop in Frankfort, Indiana. Only one animal survived - a turtle. But something is amiss:

Owner Bryan Dora now says he sees Satan's face on the critter's shell. He can spot lips, eyes, a goatee, shoulders and a pair of pointy horns on Lucky's back.

The marking on the shell was like the devil wanted us to know he was down there, Bryan Dora said. To me, it's too coincidental that the only thing to come out unscathed would have this image on it.

Pet store owner: Satan's image on turtle's shell - CNN.com, 21st March 2004 (thanks to Jeff Zurschmeide, who spotted it).

March 20, 2005

Bargain of the Day: Christian soft toys

Red Wolf has found a treasure trove in the Oriental Trading Company. It will indeed become the standard fallback when the crack tat-spotting team at Prattle Towers fails to find anything of interest on eBay. Today we look at some of the lovely soft toys suitable for the Christian child.

[Little doggie angels]First up are these REALISTIC PLUSH DOG ANGELS, at $7.95 for 12: 7" Plush Realistic Angel Dogs. Each with tricot angel wings and a tinsel halo. Assorted styles. They're almost as delightful as the PLUSH PRAYING LAMBS - 83c PER PIECE, each of which bears a felt cross.

In the Department of Bad Puns, you can find PLUSH JESUS IS DEER TO ME REINDEERS.

[Reading the Bible is like taking E]Clearly there is some form of specifically Christian Ecstasy on the black market. How else do you explain these SMILE FACE BEAN BAGS W/BIBLE or these neon-coloured Vacation Bible School Plush Bears. Each with an embroidered cross? RAINBOW FAITH PLUSH BEARS are clearly from the same drug-addled mind. Alas, the picture on the web site is not large enough for me to determine what it says on the attached label.

Grandstanding via eBay

It looks like QuePirate has started a trend among those who are too insane to work out how to get free web space. This time it's a xilliontherockopera who's abusing eBay, and rather than listing something for sale, is using the space to rant about their imaginary friend in A LECTURE. JESUS APPEARED TO ME. I KNOW WHERE HEAVEN IS. AFTER 21 YEARS I AM READY TO GO PUBLIC WITH THIS.

March 18, 2005

Bargain of the Day: Kosher Easter Eggs

United States: They're Easter eggs. They come wrapped in garishly coloured foil adorned with a crucifix. And — wait for it — they're Kosher.

Alas, the Oriental Trading Company (home of enough crappy, plastic religious tat to keep the Prattle amused for weeks) is fresh out of Kosher Crucifix Easter eggs, but they do have some daisy patterned ones in stock, so you're still in with a shot of offending your fundamentalist Jewish friends with gifts of Gentile cluelessness.

Kosher Easter Treats - Banana Stew, 2nd February 2005 (via Boing Boing).

The origin of the word 'lunatic'

It seems the staff at the Arkham Asylum have given our old friend QuePirate access to the net, and simultaneously reduced his medication. It hasn't affected his English language skills, though.

Notice the position of the crescent moon lately - I'ts not like a chair anymore but more like a couch like Islam portrays it - think it is the "distress of nations" like it says in the Gospel [Luke 21:25] - if not why hasn't the scientific community mentioned the change of planetary allignment - you dont think they've missed it do you! Ha Ha
BTW it changed same time as the earthquake which occured year 2000 of christ nativity " "Great Earthequake in divers places" at after the sabbath crack of dawn beginning of the week, Mathew last chapter first 2 sentences. Oh-Yeah! do you know the parrable of the fig tree?

Of course, as the moon is currently waxing, it will be some time before we are able to confirm that the moon looks just the same as she ever did. It's probably a crescent in QuePirate's head though.

Bampot tags: , .

March 17, 2005

Bargain of the Day: a dirty towel

One of the benefits of religion is a highly-tuned imagination. Just look at this Apparition - Original Handprint from Heaven:

[A dirty towel]As I was cleaning one day, I looked at my towel and saw the Handprint from Heaven. You can see how closely it resembles the picture of Christ. If you look closely you can also see an angel ascending into Heaven. As you look longer at it, several faces appear. It has been featured on several news stations and seen by hundreds. It has been blessed by several priests, including the Archbishop. It's authentic, one-of-a-kind.

Preacher's wife still in trouble after all

Kenya: Contrary to what I claimed in a recent comment, charges against three women associated with preacher Gilbert Deya have not been dropped. Mary Deya, Miriam Nyeko and Rose Kiserem claimed the case against them was defective, but the senior magistrate who heard the appeal was not impressed:

She found the application by the defence to be an attempt to delay the case and dismissed it, saying it was not in good faith.

The women are charged with harbouring a stolen child. Miriam Nyeko is also charged with fraudulently obtaining a birth certificate. by pretending to be the mother of the child.

Court thwarts bid to have case against Deya's wife droppedThe Standard (Nairobi), 17th March 2005.

March 15, 2005

Bargain of the Day: a door

Today's vendor does not know anything about how veneer is made and installed. So, they are really surprised when they spot an odd mirror image.

[Pretty veneer]This wooden door has an image of Jesus in the wood grain. It is amazing how clearly Jesus is in the door. If you look closely it looks like Jesus is praying. You can see arms and where the hands are folded in prayer. You can see his hair, and even the outline of his chin.

Actually, this is one of the better simulacra I've seen recently, though if you want a religious interpretation, I'd say Moses bearing the Ten Commandments would be a better one.

March 14, 2005

Bargain of the Day: a lump of rock

It seems that superstitious folk are seeing the Virgin Mary everywhere these days -- and then promptly auctioning her on eBay. Take this Collectible Rocks Natural Formation Mother Mary & Jesus as an example. All I can see is a well-eroded lump of stone, but those with that special eye of faith can see more:

[A worn lump of rock looking like nothing in particular]This Rock looks like Blessed Mother Mary holding the infant Baby Jesus. The opposite side looks like the adult Master and Savior.

This Spectacular Rock was located in a creek bed under a waterfall in middle Tennessee just north of Nashville very recently.

This rock Measures 3 1/4" long and 2" wide at the base.

When this rock was located and picked up it was apparent without a doubt that it had the image of Mother Mary and Baby Jesus.

The vendor claims a special talent for seeing that which isn't there: I have other Rocks and Fossils that I will be placing for auction. One of these looks uncannily like the skull of Invader Zim, although our vendor sees something different.

[The skull of Invader Zim, or Frankenstein, if you prefer]This Rock has been naturally formed into the shape of what looks like a Skull and looks like Frankenstein.

It was found in a creek bed under a small waterfall in central Tennessee just north of Nashville .

This rock formation is full of fossils.

It measures 4 1/2" Long by 3 3/4" wide. It weighs approx. one pound.

Please feel to ask and questions before you bid.

I think I'm right on this one.

March 12, 2005

Bargain of the Day: One crisp, slightly damaged.

Not the Virgin Mary this time, but a simpler simulacrum in the form of this L@@K~CRUCIFIX - CHRISTIAN ICON - POTATO CHIP ~ UNIQUE!!:

[A crisp with a cross cut into it]You are bidding on this rare potato chip in the shape of the Christian icon or symbol.

* GOOD FRIDAY IS NEAR!!!

* EASTER IS COMING!!!

This particular chip is from a collection of potato chips I have collected over the years.I recently sold a shamrock chip on Ebay. It is now available to the highest bidder of this auction. Regardless of your belief, you can now own this timeless artifact. With the coming holidays approaching, you are at the right place at the right time to bid on this item.

You have seen potato chips, sandwiches, loaves of bread,ect that resemble the virgin Mary or other religious people or symbols.

Now, you can own this wonderful crucifix chip.

This is not some cheap immitation nor a reproduction, it is a real potato chip with a Christian symbol or icon. It is the real deal. Whether the winning bidder is Golden Palace, the Vaticant, a collector of rare artifacts, or even an average person. This chip is available to the one with the highest bid. You will not be disappointed with this item.

Gruesome goings-on at the holy well

England: Many holy wells have gruesome legends attached to them, but the one associated with Lidwell in Devon isn't your usual tale of saintly self-sacrifice. Instead, the well was used by an early serial killer:

On the slopes of Haldon Hill lie the remains of Lidwell Chapel, the site of one of Devon's more macabre tales. The name, Lidwell, is actually a corruption of Lady's Well and the chapel is dedicated to St. Mary Magdalene. Like so many other churches and chapels, it was built on what was formerly a pagan place of worship, a sacred well, probably dedicated to the goddess of spring. There is, too, evidence of the original well and this can be seen in a corner of the grounds.

This isolated ruin, adjacent to farmland and situated to the northwest of Teignmouth, was, in medieval times, the focal point of a small settlement and leper sanctuary where the monks could provide care for the sufferers, all of whom would be compelled to live outside their community. The legend concerns one monk in particular, a hermit or recluse who lived at Lidwell during the early part of the fourteenth century. This man is said to have lured passing travellers into the chapel where he would rob them, murder them and dispose of their bodies by throwing them down the well.

In support of the legend, the Bishop's register of the year 1329 contains an entry relating to the execution of a Hermit Monk who had been convicted of murder. Intrigued by what we had unearthed and wanting to know more about this curio, we felt that the next logical step would be to visit the scene of crime so a team of five members of TNC arranged to go and look the place over as soon as we could.

And so starts the tale of a group of criminologists who discover that well-hunting can be a wet and frustrating business. But the tale takes a turn for the fortean:

March 11, 2005

Bargain of the Day: filthy dog door

If you have at least $1000 (US) going spare, you could invest it in a large dog-sized cat flap. It's a bit mucky, but with a bit of creative interpretation, you can see that the VIRGIN MARY IMAGE HAS APPEARED!! ON DOGGIE DOOR.

This is a image of Virgin Mary that appeared on my dogs doggie door, about 4 yrs ago. You are bidding on the doggie door ONLY. (However, you can email me with any questions about the dog house.) Please, only serious bidders!

Our cat flap is just as dirty...

Satirising the superstitious

United Kingdom: The organisation formerly known as the National Viewers and Listeners Association neglected to register the obvious choice of domain name when they changed their name. So, MediaWatch UK might not be quite what you were expecting:

MediaWatch-UK is a collective of grumpy old men and frumpy old women singularly dedicated to spoiling the fun of the rest of the British population. Please take time to browse through our site and read about our campaigns. For members of the bigoted right wing press who are having trouble making up enough anti-gypsy and anti-asylum seeker stories to fill their pages, our press page contains a wide range of outraged and reactionary stories that you can seize on to.

This service is open to Sun journalists as well, if that is, they can get over the moral duplicity of complaining about the filth on TV in their editorials whilst simultaneously exploiting images of topless females on their pages every day to sell more papers.

They are not the only collection of barking mad fundie killjoys to be spoofed, either. Take a peek at Anti-Christian Voice, which closely parodies the site of Stephen Green, the lone loon who campaigns against Jerry Springer, the Opera.

Both these links were discovered via MediaWatch Watch a laudable site which keeps its eye on those organisations who try to restrict freedom of expression because their imaginary friend is upset about it.

March 10, 2005

Cursing stone to stay put

England: Carlisle City Council has voted overwhelmingly to deny fundie requests to get rid of its 'cursing stone'. Only two councillors voted in favour of removing the stone, and a familiar member of the public found himself in trouble when he heckled in an aggressive manner:

Leslie Irving, editor of the Christian magazine Bound Together and a campaigner against the stone, was escorted out for squaring up to Currock Labour councillor Paul Im Thurn.

Nor will the current Archbishop of Glasgow do anything to lift the alleged curse placed by his predecessor in the 16th century:

It was suggested that Archbishop Conti, as his modern-day equivalent, would be able to lift the curse—blamed for disasters including foot and mouth and floods in the city.

However ... Archbishop Conti's spokesman said: The Archbishop may send a letter offering his good wishes but he won't be getting his Latin prayer book and his holy water and heading down the M74.

Still, there has been a couple of more unusual offers. The council has already declined an offer from Simon Ralli Robinson, a Dumfries-based shaman:

Mr Robinson said: I can do cleansing ceremonies. That energy can be got rid of. I have sacred wood from Peru which, when burned, has a cleansing effect.

Nor did they seem particularly impressed with the offer from the better-known Uri Geller:

He told Reuters press agency: I have offered to take the stone off their hands, put it in my garden and exorcise it.

The Domesday book records an ancient healing centre in my village and all the ley lines converge on my garden.

I will use my pendulum and cleanse the stone of any evil forces. After that I would like to keep it. It is a work of art.

Indeed, as well as not wanting to look like superstitious idiots in front of the whole world, it seems the council had a very important consideration in mind when they voted to keep the stone:

However, [city council leader Mike Mitchelson] is hopeful that world-wide publicity about the stone will bring many more tourists.

It won't be our number one attraction but hopefully it will have a positive effect on visitor numbers, he said.

Carlisle votes to keep the stone as Christian campaigner thrown outNews and Star, 9th March 2005; Archbishop won't lift stone's 'curse'Glasgow Evening Times, 10th March 2005; Uri wants the cursing stone—for his garden - News and Star, 10th March 2005. See also Catching up: A fuss about a lump of rockPagan Prattle, 9th March 2005.

Catching up: Loony Fundie Miscelleny

Andrew Ian Dodge sent a missive to Prattle Towers with a couple of entertaining links. First we have an amusing photo essay upon the Signs of Satan (which threatens sound, which is bound to be awful, so turn off whatever you use to play MP3s in your browser before visiting). It's clearly convincing evidence if you believe George W. Bush is the Antichrist.

Secondly, it appears that a man accused of a series of gruesome murders is churchgoing family man and Cub Scout leader.

March 9, 2005

Catching up: A fuss about a lump of rock

Okay, I've been slacking, but my faithful correspondents have not. First up is tjc, who sent me a succinct message with a tasty link:

It seems that a cursing stone in Carlisle is responsible for foot and mouth as well as the local football team being totally crap. Now a local councillor (Also a god-botherer, what a surprise) wants it removed.

Five years ago, as part of a millenium project, a monument was erected in Carlisle which featured a 1069-word rant against the Reivers, first proclaimed by Archbishop of Glasgow, Gavin Dunbar, in 1525. Now a LibDem councillor has demanded the demolition of the monument. His reasoning is a little odd given that the 'curse' being the work of an Archbishop, and framed in Biblical terms:

Many groups and individuals warned the council that placing a non-Christian artefact based on an old curse on local families would bring ill luck on the city. This has seemed to be correct. I therefore urge the council to support this motion to remove the stone, the physical embodiment of the curse upon families in the West March.

The Bishop of Carlisle , the Rt Rev Graham Dow, has asked the present Archbishop of Glasgow to perform a magic spell lift the 'curse'. Dow is an interesting character - according to a 2003 article dug up by Richard Bartholemhew:

Bishop Dow has hit the headlines on several occasions this year after joining the row over homosexuality within the Church of England and after it was revealed he believes evil spirits can be introduced into the world through miscarriages, abortions, oral and anal sex.

In 1990 Bishop Dow, a close friend on the Prime Minister Tony Blair, wrote a booklet, Explaining Deliverance, in which his views on evil spirits were revealed. He said the spirits could also cause untreatable diseases.

He also wrote that people who repeatedly wear black or always purchase a black car may be possessed by evil spirits. He says clear signs of evil spirits at work are sexual lust and deviant sexual practice.

He is also connected with organisations which promoted the satanic ritual abuse myth. He's not the only loony fundie who's waded in this particular quagmire. Leslie Irving, editor of the rather kinkily titled Christian magazine, Bound Together, warned journalists that the (entirely Christian, remember) stone could become the focus of satanic rituals.

There are some sensible people in Carlisle, though. Lee Northern was inspired to write a letter to the editor of the News and Star:

I feel I must respond to the barrage of nonsense written about Carlisle's Cursing Stone.

To read many of the News & Star letters you would think that Cumbria was in a time warp in which even witchcraft was seriously regarded as a possible cause for Carlisle's recent troubles...

...Surely it is ridiculous to suggest that the stone could be cursing Carlisle? I wonder what impression people in others parts of the UK must have of Cumbria thanks to the publicity that blaming the stone has brought to our county.

It's hard to lift a 7.5 tonne curse - The Herald, 2nd March 2005; It's ridiculous to blame stone - News and Star, 8th March 2005; Dow-Curse Index - Bartholomew's notes on religion, 8th March 2005; Love Thy Brother - News and Star, 6th December 2003.

March 8, 2005

Bakers find Jesus in poor taste

Denmark: Ninety master bakers are involved in a challenge to produce a new recipe for communion wafers.

We have never tried anything like this before, Svendborg baker Gerner Pedersen said. It's very exciting. I think I will go for a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour. That would give a good, strong taste of bread.

Clergy are less impressed with the efforts to improve Jesus' flavour:

Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen said he wished the bakers all the best. But for as long as I have been responsible for the communion wafers, I've gone for the most neutral taste I could find, he said. After all, the bread should symbolize the body of Jesus, and the wafer shouldn't be getting all the attention. Just imagine if the pastor at the altar would say 'This is the body of Jesus Christ. Would you like that with chocolate, vanilla or strawberry taste?'

Body of Christ gets new improved flavour: Funen bakers have taken up the challenge to find a new recipe for communion wafers - Copenhagen Post, 3rd March 2005 (thanks to Sister Edith Myflesh S.P.I.).

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from March 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

February 2005 is the previous archive.

April 2005 is the next archive.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Resources

About this site
Contact the Prattle
Ego Corner

The Pagan Prattle
c/o P.O. Box 666
Edinburgh EH7 5YW
Scotland

Syndication

Licence

Creative Commons License
The original material in this weblog is licensed under a Creative Commons License.