April 14, 2005

Fleecing for Dummies

Short on cash? Really need a luxury yacht, but don't have the pennies to hand? The solution? Open your own "money church", and get the poor to buy it for you! Just follow this simple tutorial from Bad Gas:

Money churches are the next big thing and the equation is a simple one: find a disused warehouse, school or office in a downtrodden area of London; clear it out and then fill it with chairs and a lectern; open your doors to innocent, God-fearing Africans at strange times of the week; whip them up into a religious frenzy, pass the collection plate around and watch your bank balance grow Thanks Be To God The Lord Saviour Our Reborn King.

A simple list is provided to help you with that all-important corporate identity:

  • Ensure that your name is long and elaborate. Peckham Church simply won't cut it. The point of the name is to scare illiterate devotees into coming inside for a dose of spiritual improvement.
  • The name of your money church should be an ominous concoction of imagery from the bible. Here are some examples to get you started: ministry, mercy, redeemed, disciple, miracle

Finally, you need to look at the competition, and Bad Gas has done much of the groundwork for you. CDFM (International) God's Royal Family is a particularly good example:

Another crowd-pleaser is the mention of a link with the Royal Family. If you turn up to the monthly 72-hour Hour of Victory prayer session here, you will be made one of God's princes in exchange for having your life savings siphoned off slowly over 3 days by a smiling, clapping zealot.

Bad Gas does not mention whether 'Archbishop' Gilbert Deya is a graduate of this exceptional programme.

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This page contains a single entry by Feòrag published on April 14, 2005 10:03 PM.

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