Dear brothers and sisters, our Bible text today is from Judges 16:30:

And Samson said, let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

These inspiring words are a timely reminder to get our church priorities in order. Many good people are concerned about Third World poverty, or the AIDS pandemic in Africa, or devastating conflict in the Middle East, or even the sad plight of our own unfortunate indigenous folk.

But for true Bible-believing Christians, these are mere pinpricks compared with the tragic news that a homosexual has been ordained as a bishop of our Anglican communion in New Hampshire, America. This wickedness must be stopped! Our Archbishop-for-Life, the Most Rev Dr Nesbitt Jensen, is calling on us to reject such filth at a Say No To Sodomy supper in the church hall next Tuesday at 7pm.

Not only sodomites, but also women have defied Bible teachings to take up a priestly role in the church. Sadly, we are seeing this heresy spreading in our sister churches. So today, St Jensen's is delighted to announce a scrip and cash takeover bid for the Uniting Church of Australia.

Our Dean, the Very Rev Matthias Jensen, is offering 26 St Jensen's shares and 40 Jensen options for 20 Uniting Church shares, which values Uniting at $1.50 a share, a 49 per cent premium on Uniting's pre-bid average weighted share price of $1.07. (Offer documents from stockbrokers Credit Gnome First Jensen or Rivkin Freres de Zurich.)

This is an exciting opportunity, Dean Matthias said. We are expecting a Uniting EBITDA of at least $600 million in 2004 in terms of the enhanced synergies our takeover would achieve. Like Samson, let us bring down the pillars of the temple of evil and slay the sodomites and womanists!

Please join us on Sunday morning for our Takeover Prayer Breakfast to welcome the Uniting Church into our midst (subject to ACCC approval). Mrs Hephzibah Jensen, Chair of our St Jensen's Women's Subordination Commission, asks the ladies to bring a sandwich plate, please.

It's beyond funny that Anglicans Online picked up the last missive from the St Jensen's Parish Newsletter.

Also of note in the rest of the article are helpful tips for preventing the noxious little Australian Prime Minister from turning up for a photo opportunity at your holiday social functions.

Conquer the Sodomites! - The Sydney Morning Herald, 29th November 2003 (via Southerly Buster).