As seen on CNN Headline News!
All of my items are REAL. You buy - you pay - I ship.

Pet Foil Hat Technology (PFHT) is the sorta-patented system that protects you and your pet from the government!

Technical Jargon:

This ultra modern aluminum foil hat will protect your pet from the brain scanning rays of the NSA, certain 'auction' websites, fbi.com, and CIA satellites that are monitoring their little subversive thoughts. You may not have considered this before, but your lead lined hat is worthless if your pet can give away your secrets to the very people most dangerous to you - your government!

The PFHT contains space age materials, and is guaranteed to work for your pet. All government I/O is cut off. It's like a firewall for your pet's brain.

"PFHT" will not disappoint anyone who doesn't want to get noticed by the ever watchful FBI.com!

Features of this product:

• 100% effective at stopping the government from reading your pet's brain.
• Blocks the CIA brain scans.
• Scrambles the NSA brain scans.
• Poaches the FBI.com brain scans.
• Bakes potatoes when placed around a potato in a hot oven.
• Works as a Valentine's Day gift for your pet!

Use "The Hat" only as recommended:

• Pet Rocks do not need the PFHT since they are imune to brain scans, because they lack brains. That, and you'll confuse the poor pet rock.
• This particular model Foil Hat Technology is good underwater on your fish, or outdoors in the rain.
• Do not attempt to tamper with the PFHT. It has built in "anti-authority" technology which will make it burst into flames upon close inspection by authorities. Please do not put the PFHT in the microwave.
• One size fits all pets, thanks to the adjustable "sizing fold". Do not attempt to adjust the size of your pet's head to fit the PFHT.

BONUS

But wait! The Winning bidder will also be cool, as certified on paper!

But wait even more! If you send payment within 2 business days of the auction closing, I'll send a lock of cat fur!

The Terms Of Service [If you bid without reading these, heaven help you]:

I take the following forms of payment only [in the equivalent value of the winning bid price + shipping]:

• Monopoly money [exchanged at 0.0005% face value]
• Canadian Tire money [at face value]
• Traveler's cheques
• Shiny beads, trinkets, or gold coins
• Chocolate bars
• Cod, the fish, at current market value.
• Mexican Pesos, Japanese ¥, and even European Euros.
• Australian $, UK £, Canadian $, coins or Money Orders.
• American $ cash preferred. Lots of it please.
• Hershey's Kisses(tm) - please note that I will not consider melty sticky kisses a valid payment.
• PayPal balance transfers in US$ are accepted if you don't have any of the above payments to offer, and are a boring fuddy duddy.
• All legal currency must be dated from after the year 2000, since I don't want it to have the Y2K bug. I prefer foreign cash, but you are welcome to pay with any option here.
• I will put your separate eBay items in one package, to save you money. Weight and thickness restrictions of the package may limit how many auctions you can combine.

Fairly Stern Warning to NPB deadbeats:

No Non-Paying-Bidders please! If you back out, I will hunt you down and taunt you to within a centimeter of what the local laws allow.

By asking for a refund you forfeit your ghost to me but it will be returned if you bake me a cake and hand deliver it.

Here are some comments about my auctions:
"If you'd sell the rocks in your head, you'd be a millionaire by now." - Medicine Hat, AB
"The finest quality used junk I've ever seen on the Internet..." - Springfield, IL
"I love you... will you marry me?" - Kamloops, BC
"I laughed, choked and water backed through my nose." - Victoria, BC
"If he would auction off a chance to slap him upside the head I'd be sure to be highest bidder." - disturbingauctions.com user

I don't just sell the PFHT, I'm also a customer.

Right now I'm thinking you want to contact me and ask me if I'm serious. Let me assure you that I take eBay completely seriously and will treat your question with the utmost professionalism. If you don't email me to ask a question, you are being a poop head.

Sorry to keep going on like this, but I just remembered that if you don't leave feedback for me, I'll cry.

Aside from some photos of his disgruntled cats sporting the PFHT, there's also a shot of a cicada wearing one. Believe it or not, there actually are bidders for this auctions, unlike the one the same guy is running for 60% Whole Wheat Toast in a Peanut Butter Jar.

PFHT Pet Foil Hat Technology STOP BRAIN SCANS - eBay France, January 2004 (via Boing Boing Blog).