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July 28, 2005

Bargain of the Day: 21st Century Vampire Killing Kit

by Red Wolf

United States: This isn't the first time the Prattle has featured a vampire killing kit, but the last one had more of an historial significance, was auctioned by Sotheby's rather than someone in desperate need of a clue about the misuse of the caps lock key and didn't appear to have been assembled by someone who watches way too many Hammer horror films.

Enjoy it in all it's eye-searing glory:

WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS THE NEWEST KIT OUT DESIGNED FOR KILLING VAMPIRES. THIS KIT WAS MADE TO BRING OLD STYLE INTO THE 21ST CENTURY.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN TOLD THAT VAMPIRES ARE JUST MYTHS FROM HISTORY, AND THAT STORIES HAVE BEEN MADE UP THROUGH THE YEARS JUST TO SCARE US OR SELL MOVIES.

WELL IF THIS IS TRUE THEN WHY DO SO MANY COUNTRIES HAVE SO MANY BELIEFS ABOUT THESE MYSTERY FIGURES.

THE KIT THAT YOU ARE FIXING TO SEE IN THE FOLLOWING PICTURES AND HEAR DESCRIBED IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS WAS DESIGNED BY SOMEONE WELL VERSED ON THE VAMPIRE FOLKLORE. HE ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS BECAUSE OF BELIEFS HE HAS AND BECAUSE OF HIS DEALINGS WITH THE SO CALLED MYTHS.

I WILL SAY THAT HE IS NOT FROM THE UNITED STATES AND AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE PICTURES OF THE CASE THERE IS A LUGGAGE TAG ATTACHED FROM WHERE HE SENT THIS CASE TO ME. I WILL NOT REVEAL THE LOCATION AT THIS TIME BUT IF THE BIDDING OR WATCHERS GET HIGH ENOUGH I WILL TAKE A PICTURE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TAG AND ADD IT TO THE LISTING.

Ooo... Look, a teaser. Where could this mysterious vampire killing kit designer be located? You'll have to bid to find out more.

CHANGING FROM EIGHTEENTH CENTURY TO TWENTY FIRST CENTURY IN A VAMPIRE KILLING KIT IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT AS MOST THINGS STILL WORK THE WAY THEY USED TO AS ACCORDING TO LEGEND.

THE ONLY REAL CHANGES THAT HAVE BEEN FOUND BY PEOPLE DEALING WITH THIS AREA IS THAT WOODEN STAKES AND CROSSES ARE NOT NECESSARY AND NEWER MATERIALS ARE MUCH EASIER TO COME BY AND DESIGN. THE OTHER ITEMS THAT WERE USED WAY BACK WHEN ARE STILL JUST AS EFFECTIVE, AND STILL QUITE EASY TO COME BY.

HERE IS THE KIT AND ITS CONTENTS: WHAT YOU ARE BIDDING ON IS AN ALUMINUM CASE AS DESCRIBED WITH THE FOLLOWING CONTENTS:

THE CASE IS ALUMINUM WITH BLACK CORNER TRIM AND BLACK EDGE ACCENTS, IT HAS 2 LOCKABLE CLASPS TO KEEP UNWANTED PERSONS OUT. IT HAS 4 BUTTON FEET ON THE BOTTOM. IT HAS A CARRYING HANDLE AND THE MEASURMENTS ARE 18" WIDE X 13" LONG X 6" DEEP. IT IS CUSHIONED ON THE INSIDE WITH A POCKETED LEAF THAT SPIN SNAPS IN PLACE.

  1. THE FIRST ITEM IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE. AS EVERYONE KNOWS THE FIRST DEFENSE WHEN FIGHTING VAMPIRES IS THE CROSS. IT SYMBOLIZES RELIGION AND EVERYTHING THE VAMPIRE IS AGAINST. THIS CROSS IS BEAUTIFUL AND MADE OF CAST ALUMINUM WITH BEAUTIFUL DESIGN WORK. IT MEASURES 17" TALL AND 10 1/2" ACROSS

It symbolises one religion, so make sure you don't use this kit if you're out hunting Hindu vampires.

  1. THE NEXT ITEM IS SIMULAR TO THE LAST ONLY IT IS MORE PERSONAL AND CAN BE WORN AS PERSONAL PROTECTION AGAINST THE VAMPIRE. IT IS A SILVER CROSS PENDANT ON A 12" CHAIN TO BE WORN AROUND THE NECK OF THE VAMPIRE HUNTER.
  2. NEXT THERE IS A SMALL FLASHLIGHT, NO ONE WANTS TO GO INTO A DARK DUNGEON OR BASEMENT IN SEARCH OF VAMPIRES WITH OUT SOME TYPE OF LIGHT. CANDLES USED TO BE THE LIGHT OF CHOICE BUT THE FLASHLIGHT IS MUCH MORE RELIABLE AND A BIG IMPROVEMENT FROM OLDER KITS
  3. THE SMALL WHITE BIBLE IN THIS KIT IS USED TO READ THE GOSPEL OVER CHILDRENS HEADS AS A REMEDY AGAINST ATTACKS AND ALSO FOR EXORCISM. THIS IS ALL EXPLAINED IN THE BOOK INCLUDED WITH THIS KIT.
  4. THERE ARE THREE GLASS VIALS THAT WERE USED FOR MIXING DIFFERENT TYPES OF CURES OR REMEDY.
  5. THERE IS ONE VIAL OF RED LIQUID USED TO INTISE THE VAMPIRE OR LEAD HIM TO WHERE HE IS MOST VENERABLE

I'm guessing we have to assume that any vampires being hunted are going to be even dumber than those doing the hunting.

  1. THERE ARE 4 GLASS CANISTERS INCLUDED IN THIS KIT WITH EACH ONE CONTAINING A VERY IMPORTANT INGREDIENT. THE FIRST IS FILLED WITH POPPY SEEDS VAMPIRES HAVE A FASCINATION WITH COUNTING AND POPPY SEEDS ARE USED TO SPRINKLE IN OR AROUND THE COFFIN OF A VAMPIRE OR YOUR DOORSTEP OF YOUR HOME. THE VAMPIRE WILL HAVE TO COUNT EACH AND EVERY POPPYSEED BEFORE HE LEAVES AND BY THIS TIME THE SUN WILL BE COMING UP AND HE WILL HAVE TO STAY IN THE COFFIN OR RETURN TO IT BEFORE THE LIGHT. THE NEXT CANISTER IS FILLED WITH GARLIC POWDER AND THE NEXT WITH GARLIC CLOVES, VAMPIRES ARE KNOWN TO HATE GARLIC AND SUSPECTED VAMPIRES WERE OFFERED GARLIC TO EAT TO SEE IF IT WAS REFUSED. THE LAST IS FILLED WITH HOLY WATER USED TO SPRINKLE OR POUR ON VAMPIRES AS THIS CAUSED A BURNING OF THE FLESH AND WOULD WEAKEN THE VAMPIRE.

Vampires are idiot savants? Or perhaps just Dustin Hoffman?

  1. THERE ARE ALSO 3 CLOTH BAGS INCLUDED, ONE WHICH CONTAINS RICE GRANULES USED THE SAME AS THE POPPY SEED, AND 2 EXTRAS FOR OTHER MEANS EXPLAINED IN THE BOOK. EXAMPLE: A PINCH OF SALT IN A CLOTH BAG HUNG AROUND A CHILDS NEXT WILL WARD OFF ATTACKS BY A VAMPIRE.

Do you know where your child's next is?

  1. THERE ARE 4 LEAD FILLED BRASS TEMPERATURE RELEASED CAPSULES. ONE WAY OF DESTROYING A VAMPIRE IS TO BURN IT IN ITS COFFIN AND BY PLACING ONE OF THESE CAPSULES IN THE EDGE OF THE ENCLOSURE THE LEAD WILL RELEASE AT 255 DEGREES AND SEAL THE COFFIN SHUT.

Lead is glue? Must have missed that day at school.

  1. THERE ARE 2--- 18" COPPER PLATED SILVER TIPPED SOLID RODS USED FOR STAKING THE VAMPIRE INTO THE COFFIN. MYTH HAS IT THAT THEY SHOULD BE DRIVEN THROUGH THE HEART BUT THEY WERE MAINLY USED JUST TO HOLD THE VAMPIRE INTO THE COFFIN. IT IS ALSO SAID THAT THEY SHOULD BE DRIVEN WITH A SINGLE BLOW AND THE NEWER STYLE RODS ARE HEAVY ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT.

The vampire hunter may be in a bit of a quandary over this. Do you follow instructions or go with tradition? Those precious few seconds of dithering could see you wind up as lunch.

  1. THERE ARE ALSO 2---6" COPPER PLATED SILVER TIPPED SOLID RODS THAT ARE ALSO USED FOR STAKING THE VAMPIRE TO THE COFFIN THROUGH THE HANDS OR FEET.
  2. THIS NEXT VERY IMPORTANT ITEM IS USED IN THE FINAL PROCESS OF KILLING THE VAMPIRE AND ONE OF THE ONLY KNOWN WAYS OF KEEPING THE UNDEAD DEAD. THE NEXT ITEM IS A 12" FIXED BLADE KNIFE USED FOR DECAPITATION. IT IS SAID THAT THE HEAD SHOULD BE REMOVED AND PLACED BETWEEN THE LEGS OF THE VAMPIRE AND THE REMAINS BURNED TO ASHES.

A 12" fixed blade knife isn't the best tool for the job when it comes to decapition. If you're planning on bidding, you may want to suggest the seller throws in a sturdy surgical amputation saw instead.

  1. NEXT IS A SMALLER 7" OPENED 3" BLADE 4" CLOSED KNIFE FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION WITH A CLIP TO CARRY ON YOUR PERSON.

Because we all know that vampires are terrified of small pocket knives.

  1. I HAVE ALSO PERSONALLY ADDED A BOOK THAT I COMPILED FROM INTERNET SOURCES THAT EXPLAIN HOW MOST OF THE ITEMS IN THIS KIT WERE USED AND THE MYTHS AND LEGENDS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. IT HAS SOME VERY INTERESTING MATERIAL INSIDE THAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE USEFUL.
  2. LAST ITEM TO BE MENTIONED WOULD BE THE KEYS THAT LOCK THIS CASE UP, THEY ALSO HAVE A CROSS PENDANT ON THEM TO KEEP THEM OUT OF THE HANDS OF ANY VAMPIRE THAT MAY WANT TO DESTROY THE ITEMS INSIDE.

But it won't keep all those Scientologist vampires at bay.

THIS CASE IS NOT IN PERFECT CONDITION IT HAS SOME SCRATCHES AND SCUFF MARKS FROM SHIPPING BUT IS STILL FULLY FUNCTIONAL. ALL ITEMS INSIDE ARE IN PERFECT CONDITION

THIS IS THE COMPLETE CONTENTS OF THIS CASE AND ALL ITEMS FIT PERFECTLY INSIDE. THIS CASE WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL GIFT TO ANY PERSON WITH INTEREST IN VAMPIRES OR ANYONE WITH AN ADVENTUROUS HEART.

DISPLAY THIS CASE OPEN IN YOUR OFFICE AND WATCH HOW MANY HOURS OF CONVERSATION IT WILL GENERATE.

I PERSONALLY HATE A RESERVE TYPE AUCTION THAT I HAVE TO BID ON UNTIL I REACH A SET PRICE,SO I AM STARTING THIS AUCTION OFF AT A VERY LOW STARTING BID. THE ITEMS CONTAINED IN THIS CASE ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THIS LOW STARTING PRICE SO BID WITH CONFIDENCE YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED

REMEMBER THAT IF THIS AUCTION GENERATES ENOUGH ATTENTION I WILL REVEAL THE FRONT SIDE OF THE FLIGHT SHIPPING TAG AND WHERE THIS ITEM WAS PUT TOGETHER AND DESIGNED. IF NOT ONLY THE WINNING BIDDER WILL EVER KNOW WHERE IT BEGAN.

PLEASE KNOW THAT THIS ITEM IS BEING AUCTION AS A NOVELTY ITEM AND IS NEVER INTENDED TO BE USED FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.

If you use this kit to kill unsuspecting Goth kids because you aren't into that new-fangled individuality thing, it's not the seller's fault. Remember kids, vampire killing kits don't kill people, insane loony fundies do.

WE ALL KNOW THAT VAMPIRES DON'T EXIST AND OR ONLY A FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE???

COME ON CASINOS THIS WOULD LOOK GREAT IN YOUR LOBBY.

US$30,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich (showing a vague image that could be mistaken for Greta Garbo if you were drunk enough), that proves once and for all that American food has way too many aded preservatives, is a mere doddle when you consider the value added bonuses included with this little gem.

THIS IS TRULY A ONE OF A KIND ITEM. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE BUILT. UNLESS COPIED BY SOMEONE ELSE AND IT WOULD NOT BE AS PERFECTLY DETAILED AS THIS ORIGINAL.

I'm guessing this means one of a kind through this account, just like the all the other one of a kind kits solds through his alternate eBay accounts.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN THIS UNIQUE KIT SO GO AHEAD AND MAKE YOUR BID NOW AND REMEMBER TO PLEASE ADD US TO YOUR WATCH LIST

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING AND GOOD LUCK BIDDING.

THE ORIGINAL DESIGNER AND THE SELLER OF THIS ITEM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MISUSE OF ANY OF THE OBJECTS IN THIS CASE

And don't go blaming the designer either.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY THANKS TO SHORTBUSAUCTIONS, THANKS RICK FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE, IF YOU HAVEN'T PURCHASED HIS (GET TO THE PULSE AUCTION) YOU ARE MISSING OUT.

IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD YET THERE ARE QUITE A FEW CHEATERS OUT THERE WHO ARE STEALING THEIR WAY TO THE PULSE, PLEASE WATCH THIS ITEM AND HELP ME MAKE IT THERE THE HONEST WAY.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME BEG ITS NOT REAL PRETTY WHEN I BEG JUST EMAIL MY WIFE AND ASK HER, IF YOU'VE COME THIS FAR DOWN THE PAGE JUST CLICK THAT NEXT LINK AND FORGET ABOUT IT OR IF YOU WANT A REALLY COOL LOOKING KIT MAKE THAT BID!!! THANKS BEFORE HAND TO EVERYONE WHO HELPS ME OUT ON THIS AUCTION.

GOD BLESS AND HAPPY VAMPIRE HUNTING.

Enough people have bid on the auction that the seller has started to throw more items in and play with his teaser gimmick in subsequent edits of the auction description.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE QUESTIONS YOU'LL NOTICE THAT ONE PERSON SUGGESTED A WATER GUN OR SUPER SOAKER FOR THE HOLY WATER AND SAID HE WOULD PAY $50.00 MORE FOR THIS. WELL I DIDN'T SEE HIS BID YET BUT IF THE BID GOES UP THAT $50.00 I WILL INCLUDE THE SUPER SOAKER AND THE EXTRA GALLON OF HOLY WATER AS A TRIBUTE TO THIS PERSONS BRAIN STORM...

...YEAH FOR YOU APPLEANDWAXY MY NEW HIGH BIDDER PLANNING ON MAKING KILLING THOSE VAMPIRES EASIER, WITH LESS TERMITES IN THOSE WOODEN STAKES. THANKS AND GOOD LUCK...

...$45 MORE AND WE THROW IN THE HOLYWATER FILLED SUPER SOAKER!!!!!...

...I HAD PROMISED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE AUCTION TO REVEAL WHERE THIS CASE WAS DESIGNED AND SHIPPED FROM IF THE PRICE GOT HIGH ENOUGH, WELL I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN ANSWERING ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND TELL YOU NOW. I CAN'T ADD A PICTURE BUT THE FLIGHT TAG STATES THAT THIS CASE WAS DESIGNED AND FLOWN IN FROM TRANSYLVANIA HOME OF THE FIRST KNOWN VAMPIRE NAMED VLAD TEPES AKA VLAD THE IMPALER.

HIS FATHER WAS CALLED DRACUL (WHICH MEANS DEVIL OR DRAGON) SO VLAD WAS ALSO CALLED DRACULA WHICH MEANS SON OF DRACUL

WELL NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET MAYBE THIS WILL HELP MAYBE NOT. I THINK ITS PRETTY COOL THAT IT CAME FROM THE AREA FIRST KNOWN FOR VAMPIRES I HOPE YOU DO TOO.

WELL BACK TO THE AUCTION KEEP SENDING THOSE QUESTIONS AND KEEP ON BIDDING AND DON'T FORGET

Now wasn't that reveal worth the wait? The luggage tag says Translyvania, well-known home of the Supersoaker. Why, it must be authentic.

Does anyone find it at all plausible that a vampire hunting kit designer in Translyvania is using an anonymous eBay seller from Louisiana to move his product? Neither do I.

GOODMORNING ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND I SEE THAT WE HAVE REACHED OUR $150 MARK SO YES AS PROMISED THIS AUCTION WILL NOW INCLUDE A SUPER SOAKER WITH 1 GALLON OF HOLY WATER THROWN IN. I SEE THAT APPLEANDWAXY IS STILL OUR TOP BIDDER (CONGRATS) BUT WE ARE A LONG WAY FROM THE FINISH LINE. I WILL BE SHOPPING FOR THE SUPER SOAKER TODAY SO IF ANYONE HAS ANOTHER SUGGESTION TO ADD TO THIS CASE PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK AND WE MIGHT JUST HAVE ANOTHER ITEM AND PRICE TO WORK FOR. HAVE A WONDERFULDAY AND HAPPY BIDDING...

...I HAVE BEEN ASKED IF A MIRROR WAS NEEDED TO SPOT A VAMPIRE IN A CROWD AS THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO HAVE A REFLECTION, WELL THIS HAS BEEN KNOW TO BE UNTRUE FOR NEW AGE VAMPIRES BUT IF THE BIDDING REACHES $175.00 I WILL ADD A VERY NICE MIRROR IN THIS KIT JUST IN CASE YOU RUN INTO AN OLDER VAMPIRE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A REFLECTION. LETS GO GUYS AND GIRLS BID BID BID!!!! WE STILL HAVE OUR SAME LEADER FROM LAST NIGHT WAY TO GO APPLEANDWAXY YOUR GOING TO BE A HAPPY VAMPIRE HUNTER UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE JUMPS IN AND STILLS IT AWAY. GOOD LUCK

And now we have proof of two things; people are mind-numbingly stupid, and Frontpage should be purged from the face of the planet.

21st CENTURY VAMPIRE KILLING KIT-------- NO TATTOO HERE - eBay, 24th July 2005.

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Posted in Religious Tat at 03:17. Last modified on September 04 2008 at 19:00.
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Comments

1: Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge | July 29, 2005 4:44 PM

They do rather like bold. colours and caps don't they?

2: Posted by: Red Wolf | July 30, 2005 1:40 AM

In a fit of font tags are evil, I converted the garbage spewed out of FrontPage into valid XHTML. Aside from the tags that make the LiveJournal feed a little more user-friendly.

I can't see it coming as a surprise to anyone that this auction has been yanked from eBay. Bit of a shame as one of the comments at the end, that I forgot to include, mentioned that the seller had plans for a werewolf killing kit. I'm sure that would have been of interest to a couple of the loonier commenters that frequent the Prattle.

3: Posted by: Jack the Ripper | August 7, 2008 8:35 AM

haha, that was great, I remember stumbling across that auction back in 2005 was it>? wow it's been ages. Right now i'm doing some research on vampire stuff and I came across this site. The review in between was great, especially about the cross only symbolizing one religion, if you come across a hindu vamp, you're screwed, lol, it always annoys me how other people always overlook other religions besides christianity when they do vampire movies, while albeit i'm christian myself, do they forget that other vampires wouldn't even get what a cross is supposed to be, oh well, that's one of the things i intend to change in the film industry, mwahaha, just hope this guy doesn't come up against a Brahmar─?k┼×hasa anytime soon....