There is a also a term which is new to me and amounts to a much more dangerous teenage cult.

The Emos - short for Emotional - regard themselves as a cool, young sub-set of the Goths.

So far, no worries. Teenagers always think they know it all and are better than those annoying grown ups, after all. Dressing in ridiculous clothing and badly-applied make-up is just normal.

Although the look is similar, the point of distinction, frightening for schools and parents, is a celebration of self harm.

Emos exchange competitive messages on their teenage websites about the scars on their wrists and how best to display them. Girls' secondary schools have for some time been concerned about the increase in self harm.

It wouldn't be a tabloid exposé without an anonymous but important sounding source:

One governor of a famous boarding school told me that it was as serious a problem as binge drinking, but rarely discussed for fear of encouraging more girls to do it.

Note that the source is talking about a general increase in self-harm among young women, and not goths in particular, but that's an important issue which gets in the way of a good story. Even though recent research suggests that goths are more likely to self-harm, she manages not to mention that, preferring her own prejudices. Perhaps it's because the same research destroys her hypothesis, noting that it's self-harming kids who are more likely to be attracted to goth and that this might be helpful to them. Robert Young, who led the study, told the BBC Rather than posing a risk, it's also possible that by belonging to this subculture young people are gaining valuable social and emotional support from their peers.

At this point, Sands has used up all her material and is reduced to observing that music Emos listen to tackles some serious issues. Her choice of examples are a bit weird though, and might just prove that at least one old fart doesn't get it

The Emo song, by the American band Adam And Andrew, has cult status on the internet, appearing on many personal websites. It is called Dear Diary and is both witty and alarming.

The chorus goes: 'Stop my breathing and slit my throat, I must be an Emo.

I don't jump around when I go to shows, I must be an Emo.

Dye in my hair and polish on my toes, I must be an Emo. I play guitar and write suicide notes, I must be an Emo.'

She also observes that Emo kids write depressing, and generally crap poetry. Teenagers have never done that before, have they? Her horror at a cartoon of two Emos has a bubble which says: 'What rhymes with razor blade?' is inexplicable. Yet she insists that goths in general are humourless and miserable.

One of the most annoying characteristics of teenagers is their refusal to open their curtains. Their world is dark and airless.

In case we'd forgotten, she reminds us that goths tend to dress up a bit. Oh, and lots of goth women fancy Johnny Depp. You know, it's not just goths and it's not just the girls—it might have something to do with him being gorgeous. I'm not quite sure how this is supposed to be a bad thing.

Looking at the context she gives, Sands appears to be about five years older than I am. She recommends a classic track from her youth - Ian Dury's Reasons to be Cheerful. Indeed it's excellent, but the late 70s and early 80s also gave us such cheery numbers like The Police's Can't Stand Losing You (You dumped me and you are being a bitch about it and I'm all sad, and I'm going to kill myself. That'll show you.), Split Enz's Nobody Takes Me Seriously (I'm weird and everybody hates me and they'd let me die if the place was on fire, and I'm not getting any.) and tons, and tons of goth classics. Plus Joy Division, or anything by The Smiths, or Ultravox's Rage In Eden (the world's most depressing abum not made by Leonard Cohen ever). Strangely, neither I nor the reporter have killed ourselves despite having all this miserable, whiny and depressing music around us in our youths.

I wonder why that might be?

EMO cult warning for parents—The Daily Mail, 16th August 2006; Goths 'more likely to self-harm'—BBC News, 13th April 2006.