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January 1, 2009

Annual end-of-the world post 2009

by Feòrag

2009 looks like a quiet year in terms of the end of the world, with many of the predictions merely being the usual suspects revising their dates yet again.

As ever, Marilyn Agee has her hopes up, declaring I'M HOPING FOR THE RAPTURE BETWEEN NOW AND PENTECOST; HOW COULD IT BE LATER THAN THAT?. Pentecost will be 29th May 2009. This link is now dead.

As Richard Bartholomew has already noted, 2007rapture.com has bought a new domain, and revised the dates, so it's now 2009-rapture.com. The title still says 2008 rapture at the time of writing. They don't actually predict the rapture any more, but invite people to pray for it to occur.

And another repeat offender, End Time Bible Prophecy 2009 Revelations (previously End Time Bible Prophecy 2008 Revelations and ARMAGEDDON 2007 EZEKIEL 4 TIME PROPHECY JERUSALEM ISRAEL PROPHECIES) has also altered the date, though he predicts nothing much till 2011, so the annual date change is presumably now a fixture.

The Lord's Witnesses make the stunning claim that we are already in the End Times. which started last April, with the Great Tribulation starting in October. According to them, we have something to worry about almost immediately:

The Sign of the Son of Man appears in heaven in the form of the mushroom cloud of the first birth pang, the fire from the heavens of 1Kings18, the dual terrorist attack on both the feet of the image of Daniel2. This attack on the US in Manhattan and on the UK, is extremely imminent. We now interpret these att[a]cks to fall between 2008Chislev28 and 2008Tebbeth1 (2008December30-2009January3).

And, in more detail,

There will be a dual terrorist attack on the US and the UK taking the form of fire from the heavens and a rising mushroom cloud, between 2008Chislev28-2008Tebbeth1 (Wednesday December31 - Saturday January3) in the US, and within the same period in the UK. The US arm of the attack will hit Westside Midtown Manhattan producing a man made mushroom cloud rising from the Hudson river.

This will be followed by an attack on Jerusalem, and a nuclear attack on Damascus. Many of the predictions seem a little spiritual and no concrete evidence is offered as to how we'd know when they happen. I was also surprised to note a hint of racism:

3 of the 4 remaining British veterans attended the Armistice day celebrations on 2008November11. Really that looks like the trigger sign for Jesus to come. All 3 were at the Cenotaph on 2005November11, but they were in other memorials eslewhere in 2006 and 2007. Henry Allingham marched past the Cenotaph in 2005, but none of the vets were able to leave their wheelchairs in 2008, which was the 90th anniversary of the Armistice. On 2008November11, Allingham was the oldest white male in the world! He must be a sign from God!

Henry Allingham is 112, by the way.

According to the Lord's Witnesses, the Rapture will begin on 21st/22nd May, and the unsaved will all be dead by 17th/18th November.

Revelation 13 has noted a particular significant day in 2009:

Sept. 9, 2009. 9-9-09. 999, 666 upside-down. Possible significance: the CERN LHC collider and possible Doomsday Machine is due to be turned on again, around this time, after initially starting up in Sept. 2008, but only running a few days before shutting down for major repairs.... Also, the world population officially reaches 6.8 billion near 9-9-09, and Revelation 6:8 is about the Fourth Horseman, Death, so will Death ride then?

The actual end of the world is not predicted until 2012, though.

Last year, Satan's Rapture predicted that Barak Obama would be assasinated and (the Antichrist) Hillary Clinton would be elected president. Oops. Now that hasn't happened, what will?

Shortly after Obama is sworn in as President, Joe Biden could resign due to health problems. (In the past he had suffered two brain disorders). Then Obama selects HILLARY as President. Later in 2009, OBAMA-ASSASSINATED and HILLARY becomes President. Then HILLARY welcomes and accepts Antichrist in 2010 AD where as HILLARY leads the great persecution of Christians in America that spreads around the world.

He also lets us know Why Obama will trigger the Apocalypse, that there will be a terror attack on Washington DC as Obama is sworn into office, that Rick Warren is a disciple of Satan, and that Bush will launch an attack on Iran before 20th January.

YouTube has presented the merchants of doom with many exciting possibilities, such as this one, which has Stephen Hawking going back in time to kill all our grandfathers, or something:

This appears to be kids taking the piss, and this is grown-ups taking the piss. Just look at the related videos for more serious predictions - this is the motherlode of bampottery.

Nostradamus and the New Prophecy Almanacs has a handy disclaimer at the start of the 2009 predictions:

IMPORTANT NOTICE: THE FOLLOWING EVENTS WILL LIKELY OCCUR SHOULD WORLD WAR III MOVE INTO EUROPE AND PLANET X BEGIN ITS CLOSEST PASSAGE NEAR EARTH IN AUGUST 2009. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS A CEASEFIRE IN AUGUST 2009, SOME OF THESE EVENTS WILL NOT OCCUR UNTIL 2011 AND 2012.

With that in mind, what can we expect in 2009? Well, it looks like a wet January, for a start.

Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland, Luxembourg, Belgium, and all of the Netherlands will be completely inundated. Other parts of Europe, such as northern France and Germany, will suffer major flooding as well. This deluge will have no precedent. Edgar Cayce predicted this event. However, what he did not say is that the waters will eventually withdraw ... this time. Base 7 dating: January 2009.

In March, an 82-year-old woman will die:

On a rainy night in March 2009, Queen Elizabeth II will pass away peacefully in her sleep and the royal succession shall pass to Prince Charles. Not since the death of Princess Diana shall there be such mourning and pageantry surrounding the funeral of Elizabeth. Her long and memorable reign will be celebrated as Charles prepares to become the first wartime British monarch since King George VI.

And the Germans will be uppity again:

After news breaks of revolutionary victories in February 2009 in Paris, uprisings occur throughout Germany. In March 2009, a large demonstration occurs and shots fired by police lead to an escalation of tensions. Barricades are erected, fighting begins, and blood flows, requiring German troops to join with riot police against the mob, leaving hundreds dead. Although the uprisings appear to be quieted, riots continue and things grow hot again in May 2009. The revolution in Germany is partly engineered by Russian agents, although this may never be officially known to the world. Much of Germany is overwhelmed by chaos and destruction by the time of the Russian invasion in August.

Oh, and Madonna is the Whore of Babylon.

In comparison, Craig & Jane's Predictions for 2009 are mundane, and mostly require no divination system nor psychic powers to work out.

Something spooky just happened. Our cleaners' boss has just been round, the cleaners themselves having a well-earned holiday, and given us a printout of Solara's Surf Report for the year 2009. It apparently predicts great things for 2009, but is so couched in New Age terms as to be incomprehensible to mere mortals. It could be the new Age remix of the Rapture. The boss cleaner thinks it terribly relevant that he felt the need to bring it round just as I was preparing this post.

I can't even work out if this is predicting anything, but it's in alt.slack, so probably not. And while we are on matters Subgenius, the latest date for X-Day is 1st-5th July 2009, something which is openly subject to change. This is a much more exciting apocalypse than the others, being

The Blessed Day when the Alien Sex Goddesses shall at last arrive on Earth and proceed with THE RUPTURE! All card-carrying, Truly Ordained, PAID UP SubGenius Ministers shall be SNATCHED UP into the Cosmos to spend Eternity (or at least the Journey to Planet X) engaging in a VAST ORGAZMONIC RITUAL OF SEXHURT!! After SIX MILLION YEARS of persecution, discrimation, and torture at the hands of the Conspiracy, we shall FINALLY take our place at the right hand of JHVH-1 and HAVE OUR REVENGE on the ones who have made our lives a SHEER, UNENDING HELL!!!

Sounds fun.

Posted in Superstition and Other Silliness at 00:00. Last modified on June 29 2009 at 09:30.
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Comments

1: Posted by: Thomas | January 5, 2009 5:45 PM

My favorite counter statement to Revelation fundies is, "We pray for the rapture, too. When it happens we'll have our Earth back."

I also saw the bumper sticker the other day: "In Event of Rapture, I'm Taking Your Car."

2: Posted by: Keith from the US | March 19, 2009 7:30 PM

Just a funny update, as of 19 March, the Rapture-2009 site is STILL labeled as "2008 Rapture"

Wax lyrical

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