July 13, 2009

Bargain of the Day: a spectacularly ugly doll

Not pretty, but very religious.One of the claims made in favour of religion is that is inspires great art. Today's bargain offers a strong counterpoint to that argument. In case you are wondering, the item in question is a hand-made figurine or, in the words of its creator, Ooak polymer clay mini girl and worship flag. There are many, many more pictures on the auction page, where we learn that this is not a one-off, but part of The Worship Collection from Mar’s little Universe.

Hello from The Mar's little Universe Nursery. This is my 2nd in the worship mini collection. She is a full sculpt of polymer clay with blue glass bead eyes, and light blonde wavy(very out of control) mohair. Her robe is white w/purple hearts, and her flag is swirled white onto purple. She was lightly blushed on the face w/artist acrylic paint(a little gloss on her lips) and lightly sprayed with a satin finish on her body and flag. I also marked her on the bottom. This is totally my creation inspired by my own worship time with flags to my amazing loving God, and like the rest of my creations-no molds either. It is a very true original one of a kind in every way!

Thank you for looking. I know this is not perfect, but she is made with love. Note: This is not a toy..and should not be given to small children.

Presumably because it would frighten them. It's nice to know they're meant to be hearts, too, as I was wondering as to the religious significance of a cowhide dress. And note she says she was inspired by God to create this, so no more of the great art argument, okay?

June 9, 2009

Bargain of the Day: mail-order corpus crispie

A church is making a remarkable offer of interest of host desecraters everywhere: mail-order consecrated host. The cleric responsible, though, has already sussed that sensible and differently-superstitious people will take advantage of the service:

He said the organisation was taking care and concern over appropriate packaging for the wafer, which is no more than a millimetre thick, to ensure it remained intact on arrival, before adding that anyone - including atheists and even satanists - could avail themselves of the service. Jesus did not make these distinctions. He gave himself to anyone and everyone. It makes no difference, the body of Christ is redeeming.

Would that last sentence be a health claim? Enquiring minds want to know whether the Open Episcopal Church believes in transubstantiation, as that surely affects the usefulness of the cracker for shenanigans?

June 4, 2009

Crochet religious toys

Not wanting to step on the toes of What Not to Crochet, but there are some bizarre religious patterns out there. For example, there's this Venus of Willendorf doll. The same designer has also come up with a really impressive Kali and the Virgin Mary, which is an interesting threesome really.

Another Goddess can be found in the form of Blessed Elements' Goddess for all Seasons, and the patterns for decorating her for spring, summer, autumn and winter.

Those inclined towards East Asian traditions can make themselves a Maneki Neko. And we must not forget Cthulhu.

Not a toy, but really, just read the explanation of this pattern: Goddess Blessed Study Bookmark.

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November 28, 2008

Bargain of the Day: well-priced T-shirts

This amuses me:

fail owned pwned pictures
via Failblog

October 9, 2008

Bargain of the Day: Kitty-chan died for your sins

Hello Kitty cross rosary pendant.The amount of Hello Kitty religious tat on the market is not limited to the unofficial, it seems. For example, here is a Hello Kitty Cross Rosary pendant for sale on a Japanese Sanrio web site. The cross is about 3.0 x 3.2 cm in size and is made of sterling silver with a rhodium finish. Four cubic zirconia stones are placed in the centre of the flowers. It comes with a 50cm chain, and costs a mere ¥9,800 (approximately £45).

Hello Kitty cross rosary pendant.But that's not all. Look what Hello Kitty Hell found: a blinged out Hello Kitty cross, with diamante everywhere and a Kitty head that swings in front. No news on whether it sings Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, but it ought to.

But Kitty's for everyone, not just Christians. Again, unlikely to be official product is this Hello Kitty yarmulke:

Hello Kitty cross rosary pendant.

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October 8, 2008

Bargain of the Day: Hail Kitty full of grace

Hello Kitty conscripted by evangelists.Our local Chinese supermarket sells Hello Kitty stickers. Today I picked up some that I suspect are definitely not Sanrio official licensed product. Even though I don't read Portuguese, the slogans didn't look right. Indeed, they looked Prattleworthy, so I spent an extra quid and then used Google Translate to check the slogans. And what did I get?

  • Let Sign That You Call That Came To Be The Son Of God!
  • The love of Jesus and for all!
  • Open your heart too!
  • Much Life!
  • Come on!
All very odd things for a lesbianism-glorifying Satanic creation to be saying. Click on the image for a photo of the whole sheet.

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December 12, 2007

Bargain of the Day: Holy water

It seems there are a number of companies taking advantage of people gullible enough to buy tap water packaged in religious bottles:

Inspired, perhaps, by vitamin and energy waters, a number of new companies have begun making more explicit claims: their water doesn't just promote good health, it actually makes you good. Holy Drinking Water, produced by a California-based company called Wayne Enterprises, is blessed in the warehouse by an Anglican or Roman Catholic priest (after a thorough background check). Like a crucifix or a rosary, a bottle of Holy Drinking Water is a daily reminder to be kind to others, says Brian Germann, Wayne's CEO. Another company makes Liquid OM, superpurified bottled water containing vibrations that promote a positive outlook. Invented by Kenny Mazursky, a sound therapist in Chicago, the water purportedly possesses an energy field that Mazursky makes by striking a giant gong and Tibetan bowls in its vicinity. He says the good energy can be felt not just after you drink the water but before, when you're holding the bottle.

The most recent entry in this niche is Spiritual Water. It's purified municipal water, sold with 10 different Christian labels. The Virgin Mary bottle, for example, has the Hail Mary prayer printed on the back in English and Spanish. Spiritual Water helps people to stay focused, believe in yourself and believe in God, says Elicko Taieb, the Florida-based company's founder who was formerly in the pest-control business. All three companies give a portion of their profits to charity.

Bless This Bottled WaterNewsweek, 17th December 2007 (thanks, Novice Nun the Wiser OPI).

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September 25, 2007

Bargain of the Day: bits of cloth

Today's bargain is only a little bit overpriced, being free:

In a very modern take on the age-old circulation of saintly bones and torn clothing, thousands of devotees of Pope John Paul II are going online to apply for certified shreds of his white cassocks as the late pontiff heads swiftly towards sainthood.

Supplied without charge, the circular dots of cotton, measuring about 4mm in diameter, come pressed into a postcard bearing a photo of John Paul on one side and a prayer on the other. They are available by clicking a link on the website of the diocese of Rome and filling in the email application.

The tiny dots of cloth have been available on request since the pope's death in 2005, but when a religious wires service published details on September 13 of the online offer, 5,000 applications promptly poured in, said Don Marco Fibbi, spokesman for the diocese.

Now available online: Pope John Paul II's robesThe Guardian, 24th September 2007.

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June 26, 2007

Bargain of the Day: The Baby Jesus

France: The Baby Jesus has returned... as a cured meat product.

The Baby Jesus

You know you want some.

Baby Jesus has returned… - oranchak.com, 26th June 2007 (via BoingBoing).

May 22, 2007

Bargain of the Day: Christian crotchless panties

Many fetishists are perfectly at ease with their inclinations. Not for them the guilty secret life. They go to clubs, play with like-minded people and are generally happy with themselves. Others are less well adjusted, but rather than hide in a closet, they find bizarre excuses to try and justify their kink. For one group of perverts, their excuse is that their imaginary friend told them to do it and, as you might expect, there are online shops which provide for them, just like there are for the sane fetishist. This morning, Red Wolf messaged me about the knickers for sale at the Christian Domestic Discipline Store. For example:

Delicate Lady Crotchless Pantaloons
These split-crotch pantaloons trimmed in eyelet and your choice of ribbon color will make you feel sexy and cherished all at once.

They'd probably send your husband running to the nearest brothel, but I can see that the products might have some use. Historic costumers might like to note that the styles are pretty close to those worn in the corset era, and they are available with authentic drawstring. Regular corset wearers already know what these knickers are for really, but unfortunately, they only come in Demure White, Delicate Pink, Baby Blue, and similar crap colours. No Bondage Black, alas.

May 16, 2007

Bargain of the Day: Falwell tat

He's been dead for less than a day, and already eBay is flooded with Jerry Falwell related memorabilia. Much of it is just stuff like signed books, but some of it is interesting. Carat Queen was impressively quick off the mark in producing this Jerry Falwell Memorial tribute magnet

The wags were quick to respond to his demise too. For example, you can buy One Pound of Lard. Own a Portion of Jerry Falwell ! (Not his ubiquitous lard, but rather lard JUST LIKE HIS!):

Up for auction is one pound of lard - exactly like the lard which composed Jerry Falwell. Place this tub of lard high on a shelf or on your mantle, should you need a tub of lard to look-up to. Place this lard on the back of a donkey or pig should you need a tub of lard to mindlessly follow.

The perfect keepsake with which to remember him.

Or how about a nice painting in his memory? Perhaps JERRY FALWELL IN HELL - acrylic painting! with Satan! fits the bill?

This is your chance to own what is probably the first contemporary art painting of religious-right extremist JERRY FALWELL to be done following his death earlier today (May 15th). This is also a very rare chance to purchase Jeffrey Scott Holland (me)'s primitive neo-expressionist artwork at such a low price on eBay, thanks to the good people at Superfrothco.

The painting isn't pictured here because I'm working on it right now, even as we speak.

It's acrylic on bristol and measures 8.5x11. It will portray Rev. Falwell arriving in Hell, surrounded by flames, and coming face to face with Satan, who's laughing hysterically, not unlike the way he often does in a Jack Chick comic.

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April 21, 2007

Bargain of the Day: porn, obviously

I can't read Spanish, but I know for sure what's being spammed to me today. But is the Bible an illegal drug, pornography or pirate software, because we know that's all that spammers advertise. The first spam came in at 06.35 this morning. Just in case I didn't get the message, it was repeated at 08:24, 16:02, 17:53 and 21:30. A look at the spam shows that it offers lots of Catholic clip art too—so why send it to my antipope.org address?

Continue reading "Bargain of the Day: porn, obviously"

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February 28, 2007

Bargain of the Day: religious mobile phones

The Wall Street Journal has an interesting article about special religious models of phones, and I have to say that I sympathise with the rabbi who requested a phone suitable for Ultra-Orthodox Jews:

Cellphone companies, at the time, had started to load their products with entertainment features, and the rabbi wanted none of it. He was in search of a phone without Internet capabilities or text messaging. He didn't want cameras, music downloading, or anything else that could distract the pious. He was looking for a device that could make and receive calls. Period.

The article goes on to discuss Christian ringtones, and other tacky services aimed at Christians, then onto phones which include features useful to Muslims:

Dubai-based Ilkone Mobile Telecommunication in 2005 launched a phone in the Middle East with an internal compass that tells users the direction of Mecca, where Muslims face when they pray. Ilkone, which comes from the Arabic word for "universe," also equips its phones with a Hijri, the Gregorian calendar, and alerts users to prayer times with an alarm that features an actual muezzin's voice. It also has a complete version of the Quran, with an English translation.

Me, I want a phone which can be used anywhere in the world, is good at phoning and texting, with the ability to store lots of numbers, has no camera, no Microsoft and no other extraneous crap. Is this too much to ask? Oh yes, and a loop from which to hang Hello Kitty dangly things.

New Cellphone Services Put God on the LineWall Street Journal, March 26th 2006. (Thanks, Fluff the Plush Cthulhu)

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February 20, 2007

Bargain of the Day: knackered telly

I have this strange feeling that the vendor of today's bargain is not being entirely serious in their description of their wares, but the Miracle TV! Permanent TBN Phone Number Cures Ailments! does come with a video!

Up for sale here is 1 Miracle Television set guaranteed to cure any ailments and perform all miracles*. Operates without electricity, as seen above.

Miracles include but are not limited to:

Water to wine.

Parting of large bodies of water.

Produce manna from heaven.

Manifestation of fiery chariots.

Multiply loaves and fishes.

Kill Giants.

Walk on water.

Heal the sick and raise the dead.

Bring peace to all nations.

True story; We turned the TV off, but TBN's phone number remained! Is it a sign? YES. It is the 21st centuries' seraph! I had a vision. I must sell this TV set so that it may be released unto the World. For me to keep it would bring a curse upon my household.

Works great. Controller included.

*not responsible for any statements made nor the repercussions of said televisions actions

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February 13, 2007

Bargain of the Day: Jesus' LJ

Today's bargain is a rather unique diary, in so far as something of which there are multiple copies can be unique. MY HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL: JESUS APPEARED TO ME & TOLD ME THE FUTURE, CANCER'S CURE, HEAVEN'S LOCATION & MORE contains interesting views on astronomy, immunology and international politics. It's also decorated with a load of pentagrams.

Diary containing messages from JesusThe winner of this auction will receive my handwritten journal where I have described the four messages of Jesus Christ who has appeared to me. Feel free to ask questions via eBay.

JESUS HAS SPOKEN AND MY JOURNAL IS THE DOCUMENTATION OF THIS WORLD EVENT. The most important message is Jesus' foretelling of the future. The future is up to us. We are on the brink of destruction. We must act quickly. Politicians must take notice! IF WORLD PEACE DOES NOT COME BEFORE 2021 HUMANS WILL BECOME EXTINCT.

Jesus revealed four specific things to me:

#1: The precise location of Heaven

#2. The cure for cancer

#3. The solution for the achievement of world peace.

#4. He revealed the future to me.

I will briefly discuss each of the four revelations now.

#1. THE PRECISE LOCATION OF HEAVEN: When we die we will become stars... Literally stars! Jesus Christ is our Earth's sun. That is why we are His... Because we come on one of His planets. When we die and become stars we, too, will be blessed by wonderful special planets which orbit us and bring us great happiness. God the Creator is also a star... The first and the greatest. Two thousand years ago Jesus said I am the Light of the World. Jesus now wants us to understand that this means He is the Sun and that when we die, we will become stars too.

#2. THE CURE FOR CANCER: The cure for cancer is actually the knowledge of the precise CAUSE OF CANCER. We already know the cures for cancer, mainly prevention and early detection. Also chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and alternative medicine. We also are acutely aware of the roles of carcinogens, environment, heredity and diet. But what is the PRECISE AND SOLE CAUSE OF CANCER? CANCER OCCURS WHEN WE EAT OUR OWN FLESH. (Two very simple examples of eating our own flesh are biting our cuticles or biting our lips.) When a piece of our own flesh is digested, microscopic fragments of our own DNA enter the bloodstream. If a piece of this DNA enters a vulnerable cell, the nucleus of the cell identifies the 'food' as 'self' and this causes a 'circuit' to be blown in the nucleus. When (and if) that cell goes to divide, it does so in a haphazard fashion, dividing into four instead of into two and the mutation continues. There is an interesting correlation to Christianity here. Jesus told us to take His flesh and eat it. Now he wants us to know not to eat our own flesh in any way because it is deadly.

#3. THE SOLUTION FOR THE ACHIEVEMENT OF WORLD PEACE: This is so simple! According to Jesus, the way to achieve world peace is this: An AMERICAN president has to set a goal for WORLD PEACE BEFORE 2021. (President Kennedy did something similar when he set a goal for the USA to land a man on the moon in the 60's.)

#4. JESUS REVEALED TO FUTURE TO ME: The future will go one of two ways: If world peace is not achieved before 2021 the world will destroy itself. If world peace is achieved before 2021, there will be no more natural disasters. Notice that Jesus did not say that HE would destroy the world. Rather, we will destroy it ourselves with our greed and hatred.

Jesus appeared to me on March 17, 1984. He appeared to me in my dorm room at Holy Name Hospital School of Nursing in Teaneck, New Jersey. I was 28 years old at the time. He instructed me to try spread His solution for the achievement of world peace and to work towards it. He instructed me to try to tell people the precise location of Heaven. And he instructed me to try to share the cure for cancer. BUT He told me NOT TO TELL ANYONE He had appeared to me until after the dawn of the new millennium when I would receive a sign. The sign would be a huge natural disaster. For a brief while I thought the events of September 11, 2001 were the sign that I should come forth to tell people that Jesus had appeared to me. However, I knew that Jesus had said it would be a NATURAL DISASTER so I remained silent. Then the tsunamis of December 2004 hit. I have been trying to 'go public' since then.

I have decided to go with Ebay in an effort to spread the messages of Jesus.... The winner of this auction will be given my hand written journal which tells the story of Jesus' visit and the messages He revealed to me..

GOOD LUCK BIDDING AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

I am not claiming that this journal is the only one in existence. As of October 4, 2006, I have sold two journals. Each contains the same story, yet each one is unique.

Update: It seems the producer of these journals has a web site.