Science fiction and fantasy writer Liz Williams has issued a challenge:
If you can lampoon my religion more than its adherents do already, I will decide on a winner on Monday morning and send you a free signed copy of an Inspector Chen novel which you can then flog on E-bay for a few quid. Or whatever.
And the religion in question?
It's Druidry! We wear long white frocks with wellington boots underneath! We made it all up in the 1900s (OK, not all of it. And some of it, in 1950)! We celebrated at Stonehenge in the 1880s with a brass band and a cream tea, and in the 1980s with a pitched battle with the police! We have an official Stupid Hat!
I think she forgot the bit about it being made up in the 1900s from other bits that were forged a couple of hundred years earlier.
Sometimes its hard to tell the real barking mad fundie bampots from those who are taking the piss out of them, and Christians AGAINST Cartoons is one of those sites where I'm not sure which it is. I mean, look at this extract from the home page:
MTV2 has opened a new front in the assault against American Christian values last month with their new Sickomation stable of animated programming. In MTV’s attempt to mimic Cartoon Network’s homosexuality inducingAdult Swim,the music network has sunken to even more deplorable depths of depravity than the cartoon provider.
Although it would be easy to focus on the extreme violence of Sickomation's Celebrity Death Match, the show Where My Dogs At? is even more disturbing to the devout. Although the secular humanists who produce this show claim to besatirizingorparodyingHollywood hedonism (satire being the justification for all types of blasphemy), they are, in actually, embracing and propagating the worship of so many false idols with every revolting frame. Also, by having two stray dogs as the show's main characters, the show is, in fact, celebrating those who have strayed...FROM CHRIST!
Nope, still can't tell. Let's look at some more. I'm in Japan, so the section entitled Hello Kitty or Hello Anubis???? is obviously appropriate. It starts off as an agony aunt type letter, a woman whose neighbour has told her Hello Kitty is bad for her daughter's soul, and she is wondering why.
It is by no mere coincidence that Hello Kitty herself resembles the cat-headed Sekhmet, the Egyptian sun goddess of destruction! There are also strong resemblances between Hello Kitty and the Lower Nile love goddess Bast. Often cats and cat idols were entombed in the burial chambers of the Pharaohs for the cat had a deep mystical significance to these pagan slave drivers.
Permitting your child to lie in a bed covered in Hello Kitty dolls, you are allowing her to lie in a mock Egyptian burial chamber! This seemingly harmless fascination with these dolls can lead your child down the path of the occult. The so-calledgothteens who paint their faces to resemble corpses and worship death are also often seen with Hello Kitty memorabilia and stickers incongruously affixed to their usually black attire. This is because these poor, misguided youngsters who have given their eternal souls over to the darkness, know the masked meaning of these cuddly idols. The Hello Kitty, the ChocoCat, The Badtz Maru are just sugar coated stand-ins for Sekhmet, the Anubis and Ra. These are the same gods that The Lord cast down into the sulfur pit of hell and made into demons! Their power, which allowed Ramses to turn his staff into a serpent, cannot be underestimated today.
There are enough inaccuracies here to push me gently towards the bampot
side of the fence, what with Sekhmet being a lioness (not a cat, like Hello Kitty), Anubis being a jackal (a dog, not a cat, like Chococat) and Bad Badtz Maru being a penguin, which definitely doesn't fit into ancient Egyptian mythology! But maybe this is all part of the pisstake?
So, Christians AGAINST Cartoons - loony, fundie bampots or someone taking the piss out of loony fundie bampots? Can you tell?
For more on the occult evils of Hello Kitty, see Hello Kitty is the Goddess—Prattle, 22nd July 2004.
A group of wags wind up everyone, including fundies, with their Westboro Baptist Church Choir skit:
The comments are excellent.
If holy books contained directives such as this, I might take them a little more seriously. Pity the example chosen is not an issue of grammar but of style. It would've been better to focus on the evils of forming the plural with apostrophe-s—if the Dutch can get it right when writing in English, then native speakers have no excuse whatsoever (via Arthur D. Hlavaty).
I have this strange feeling that the vendor of today's bargain is not being entirely serious in their description of their wares, but the Miracle TV! Permanent TBN Phone Number Cures Ailments! does come with a video!
Up for sale here is 1 Miracle Television set guaranteed to cure any ailments and perform all miracles*. Operates without electricity, as seen above.
Miracles include but are not limited to:
Water to wine.
Parting of large bodies of water.
Produce manna from heaven.
Manifestation of fiery chariots.
Multiply loaves and fishes.
Kill Giants.
Walk on water.
Heal the sick and raise the dead.
Bring peace to all nations.
True story; We turned the TV off, but TBN's phone number remained! Is it a sign? YES. It is the 21st centuries' seraph! I had a vision. I must sell this TV set so that it may be released unto the World. For me to keep it would bring a curse upon my household.
Works great. Controller included.
*not responsible for any statements made nor the repercussions of said televisions actions
United States: Ah, the Weekly World News, such a wonderful publication bringing us exciting tales from all over the universe. Recently we were told of an interesting development of the cattle mutilation theme.
It was as if someone had taken a scalpel to the takeout box,
Weald said of his mutilated order of steamed tofu. Neighboring containers of soy sauce and low-calorie dressing were unharassed.
High levels of radiation were found in the freezer, so the Weekly World News asked a suitably anonymous expert for their opinion.
However, NASA researchers believe that the tofu mutilators' origin may be otherworldly.
There have been increased reports of crop circles in soybean fields, and of UFO sightings near the star Vega,
a NASA source revealed.
So there you have it - it was space vegans. Another story from a couple of weeks earlier, Health Food Stores Particularly Vulnerable to Alien Attack, supports this hypothesis.
Tofu Mutilations Blamed on Aliens from Vega—Weekly World News, 4th December 2006 (via drieux).
United States: The Church of the SubGenius has issued a press release declaring they are the loopiest of all the cults:
Tom Cruise is pitching for Scientology; Madonna sings the praises of Kabbalah. Strange religious groups (or cults) are in vogue in today's Hollywood. But when it comes to bizarre rituals and crackpot beliefs, even Scientology can't hold a candle to the Church of the SubGenius, a new religious movement set to take Hollywood by storm.
The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as aparodyof religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, the Unification Church, and racist hate groups such as Christian Identity. The organization is widely seen as a satire that mocks organized religion, or as the church describes itself,a cynisacreligion.It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure named J.R.BobDobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime.
A number of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, Robert Anton Wilson, and Pee-Wee Herman. A number of comic book artists praise the group's teachings, including legendary "underground" artists Robert Crumb and Paul Mavrides, along with Bob Burden (whose works were recently adapted into the motion pictureMystery Men). Mavrides was art director of the 1999 documentaryGrass,whichy featured Woody Harrelson and many other celebrities.
They're more honest than the other groups though:
In an interview with CNN, Church business manager Reverend Ivan Stang said,We're probably the only cult that admits we're ripping them off every day, and teaching them to enjoy it.
SubGenius UFO Cult Challenges Scientology For Hollywood Weirdness—First Online Church of Bob press release, 27th August 2006.
News has reached Prattle Towers (temporary Irish encampment) that Terry Jones has a scoop from Heaven itself—the Lord God Almighty is not pleased at Tony Blair's attempt to blame Him for the Iraq business.
A high-level leak has revealed that God isfuriousat Tony Blair's attempts to implicate him in the bombing of Iraq. Sources close to the archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty ashopping mad ... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public Himself, owing to the MMW agreement(a reference to the long-established Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat)...
If Tony Blair thinks his friendship with George W Bush is worth rubbing out a couple of hundred thousand Iraqi men, women and children, then that's something he can talk over with me later,said God.But when he starts publicly claiming that's the way I do the arithmetic too, it's time I put my foot down!It is well known that God has a very big foot.
God: I've lost faith in Blair—The Guardian, 8th March 2006.
What if the Earth was destroyed? How would you know? Well, the Prattle now links to an important service which will tell you the current Earth Destruction Status, provided by the International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board in Nottingham.
So, from now on, if you need to know whether the Earth has been destroyed, you just need to check the sidebar. You do not need to worry unless you see this:
Today's Doonsbury explains how to deal with empirical data which don't match your beliefs.
Israel: Back in February, an couple of Israelis announced their own response to the Mohammed cartoons:
Eyal Zusman (30, back from anonymity) and Amitai Sandy (29), graphic artist and publisher of Dimona Comix Publishing, from Tel-Aviv, Israel, have followed the unfolding of theMuhammad cartoon-gateevents in amazement, until finally they came up with the right answer to all this insanity - and so they announced today the launch of a new anti-Semitic cartoons contest - this time drawn by Jews themselves!
We'll show the world we can do the best, sharpest, most offensive Jew hating cartoons ever published!said SandyNo Iranian will beat us on our home turf!
Well, the results are in, and you can view the cartoons online: Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoons Contest, and an exhibition in Tel Aviv is planned. Not surprisingly, most refer to the Palestinian situation, the Holocaust or parody old tropes about Jewish control of the media. There are a few making reference to that eternally Prattleworthy topic, the Blood Libel, and my choice for the best of them is Matzoh Balls, by Guttman and McConnell.
![[Matzoh Balls, by Guttman and McConnell]](http://www.prattle.net/prattlepix/boomka.jpg)
Israeli group announces anti-Semitic cartoons contest!—Boomka.org, 14th February 2006.
A new Hollywood cult is exposed by RevolutionSF:
Biccans in Hollywood, and even the rest of society, are misunderstood. Many call thembitches,but, Biccans say, that term is misused.
A bitch is someone in old movies, who makes people do what she wants, and is evil and horrible to look at,said Doherty,like Barbra Streisand.
Bicca is an universe-based religion, in which the entire universe orbits around the Biccan. Biccans know and honor a female god, known to them asmyself.Biccans believe in a creed that states,Do everything you want as long as it helps yourself.
Biccans do not believe that Bicca is the only valid belief system. It is just the only one they care about. Since Bicca is a universe-based religion, the need for perfect imbalance must be pointed out. Any Biccan who does anything to help another person, even another Biccan, must be ridiculed by small groups of gathering Biccans, known asthose Biccans sitting over there.
Bitches Prefer "Biccans"—RevolutionSF, not dated. (thanks, AJ)
Randy McDonald has drawn my attention to another brave cartoonist, who, in the interests of freedom of speech, has sketched deliberately blasphemous cartoons. Patrick Ian Banks fears he might be driven into hiding by the fanatical followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Well, it had to happen. In the interests of free speech, I feel it is very important that I reproduce some horrendous, blasphemous cartoons. Not having any cartoonists to hand, I drew them myself, and you will have to be satisfied with my own rough sketches (the pubs are open, after all). I thoroughly expect worshippers of the deity I have depicted in such terrible circumstances to riot, or something. Anyway, I hereby present the Pagan Prattle carnival of blasphemy!
Continue reading "Jumping on the bandwagon"Cartoonist Matt Bors proides us with some choice extracts from The New Christian Science Textbook. (via Pharyngula).
You've seen the Hamster Dance, the Hilter Dance and the Jesus Dance. You will not be surprised to hear, then, of the existence of the Mohammed Dance, based on certain cartoons.
It seems someone with a sense of humour vandalised the Wikipedia entry on Wicca. Not recommended for Fluffy Bunny Pagans (thanks Tez).
Jesus Christ: the Musical [QuickTime] is probably more suited to Easter than Christmas, but it's still a good bit of camp humour and Christian Voice are bound to hate it. Thank you Sister Pollyanal Buttercup.
Peru: We often report on religious simulcra of the type designed to part the gullible from their money. This time around it appears that the face on Mars is taking a holiday in Peru.
Well it's gotta be Jesus, right? I mean that dude's forever popping up in toast/paint/fungus etc, so why should sand dunes be any different?
Face of Jesus Found In Sand Dune - Associated Press, 5th July 2005 (via Boingboing).
It's amazing what going from 'English', to Japanese, then back to English, then to German, French and finally English again does to QuePirate's rants. It almost makes sense!
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PersonSmarty Trousers!
- that would be us, then. Although we're clearly not smart enough to try and engage a soft toy in theological debate (and still lose).
United States: Bobby Henderson felt moved to write an Open Letter to Kansas School Board after he learned of a hearing to determine whether creationism intelligent design should be taught in the state's schools. His worry? that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design
:
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
After presenting a more thorough exposition of this startling hypothesis, and an explanation of the importance of piratical regalia, he offers something that Biblical creationists can't: hard data.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
(via The Magician).
AbstinenceOnly hopes to become the number-one ranked site for the keywords "Abstinence", "Abstinence Only" and "Abstinence Education"
by providing the latest in abstinence education in a way that's both entertaining and informative
. Information like this guide to the Biblcal story of Onan:
...there's nothingin vainabout firing your load all over your faith partner's face and tits. The bible specifically admonishes Onan forspilling his seed upon the ground, so as long as your aim is good, you have nothing to worry about.
Short on cash? Really need a luxury yacht, but don't have the pennies to hand? The solution? Open your own "money church", and get the poor to buy it for you! Just follow this simple tutorial from Bad Gas:
Money churches are the next big thing and the equation is a simple one: find a disused warehouse, school or office in a downtrodden area of London; clear it out and then fill it with chairs and a lectern; open your doors to innocent, God-fearing Africans at strange times of the week; whip them up into a religious frenzy, pass thecollection platearound and watch your bank balance grow Thanks Be To God The Lord Saviour Our Reborn King.
A simple list is provided to help you with that all-important corporate identity:
Continue reading "Fleecing for Dummies"United States: Jon Carroll, of the San Francisco Chronicle, has received a mysterious message via an anonymous spam remailer, purporting to be from a shadowy organisation called the Unitarian Jihad. It makes extremely undisturbing reading:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!
And how does this Jihad plan to implement its unterrifying aims?
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try forbalanceby hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
Jon Carroll - San Francisco Chronicle, 8th April 2005 (via various LiveJournals).
I thought I'd found it - Pope on a cookie??! It's a miracle!!, then I looked at the picture.
So.... I was walking along a downtown path and tripped over this homeless guy. Out of his knapsack on a stick rolled out this AMAZING cookie with an image of the late pope on it. I was totally breath taken at this wonderful find! It was if the cookie was calling out to me. I just had to know how the old man came across such an amazing cookie. The old man started telling me the story of the cookie, but he was too intoxicated and I couldn't understand his babbling. He said if I allowed him to work for food, I could take the cookie home. I was planning on keeping it for myself, but it just looks too tasty and I'm afraid I will eat the pope. It has been tormenting me ever since and I just need someone to take this cookie off my hands.
The cookie does speak to me in my sleep. It constantly says,eat me, EAT MEbut I just know it would be wrong. You just simply cannot eat such a miracle! I try to shut the voice of the cookie out of my mind, but it can also speak telepathically. I don't even see the cookies lips move! AMAZING!
The cookie appears to be of a chocolate chip variety. I don't know how delicious it is.....yet. If someone doesn't take this off my hands soon, its fate is to my belly.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Red Wolf commented:
If you ran a combined post citing Harry Potter as evil and Bush as the anti-Christ, would fundie heads explode?
So, in the true spirit of scientific enquiry, let's just say Harry Potter is evil and George W. Bush is the antichrist
and see what happens.
Australia: It's coming up Easter and for most people this will mean holidays and chocolate, but for the fundies it's just another opportunity to be offensive. Their efforts at education have resulted in creative comebacks from the great unwashed.
The Christians at the ABC have been papering the Ultimo building with pamphlets asking 'What does Easter mean?',writes Melissa Mason, of Marrickville.Among the answers scrawled over them, one clever wag has written 'Further to the east'.
Column 8 - Sydney Morning Herald, 22nd March 2005.
United Kingdom: The organisation formerly known as the National Viewers and Listeners Association neglected to register the obvious choice of domain name when they changed their name. So, MediaWatch UK might not be quite what you were expecting:
MediaWatch-UK is a collective of grumpy old men and frumpy old women singularly dedicated to spoiling the fun of the rest of the British population. Please take time to browse through our site and read about our campaigns. For members of the bigoted right wing press who are having trouble making up enough anti-gypsy and anti-asylum seeker stories to fill their pages, our press page contains a wide range of outraged and reactionary stories that you can seize on to.
This service is open to Sun journalists as well, if that is, they can get over the moral duplicity of complaining about the filth on TV in their editorials whilst simultaneously exploiting images of topless females on their pages every day to sell more papers.
They are not the only collection of barking mad fundie killjoys to be spoofed, either. Take a peek at Anti-Christian Voice, which closely parodies the site of Stephen Green, the lone loon who campaigns against Jerry Springer, the Opera.
Both these links were discovered via MediaWatch Watch a laudable site which keeps its eye on those organisations who try to restrict freedom of expression because their imaginary friend is upset about it.
United States: Tired of dealing with the cruel taunts of Christian Fundamentalist preachers, FistOn.Org
has developed their own thoroughly scientific method of dealing with this rightwing menace. They capture them, shrink them and sell them as pets.
They come complete with helpful pet care tips.
Your preacher has never been four inches tall before; neither has it ever found itself screaming inside a fruit jar with holes in the lid. It will therefore feel a tad frightened and mistrustful, and may rend its little preaching garment in a droll sort of despair, just like a real Biblical character, whoever that was. When you arrive home, your pet will likely be all tuckered out from damning you to eternal hell.Continue reading "Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist Preachers as Pets"
What does Star Trek have to do with the Tsunami?. Everything, according to Rev. John "Transporter Buffer" Mayfield of the Order Of The Isolinear Temple. In an egregiously cross-posted article, We'll Be Leaving May 13th, he calls on Trekkies to leave the planet.
On May 13th, 2005, after the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise, we will shed our containers and join our space brothers on their star ships in orbit.
With the ending of the Star Trek franchise, there is no longer any reason for us to stay on Earth. The end of the franchise is a sign the world will soon face apocalyptic catastrophes and will be completely destroyed. We know full well the tsunami in the Indian Ocean was a precursor of future calamities to come. The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise further solidified our beliefs.
Thousands of us, consisting of Star Trek fans all over the world, will be beaming up our katras to the space brothers star ships as we rise to the level of Kholinar above Earth and travel along side our Heaven's Gate cousins.
So, what can we do to stop this terrible loss to humanity?
The only event which will reverse our decision and the fate of Earth is for UPN to renew Star Trek: Enterprise for the 5th, 6th and 7th seasons.
That last bit makes me wonder if it isn't a candidate for the Intentional Humour category.
Jesus Was Gother Than You and Shanmonster can prove it!
Christ was into body piercing. He only did it a few times, but what a statement he made with his piercings! He had a huge-guage piercing gun zap his hands, feet, and side. To top it all off, he did it all in front of an audience, making him one of the first performance artists...
...He spent time in tombs. Like I mentioned before, he hung out with Lazarus in one once, but there's much more to it. He once pretended to be dead for three days so that he could sleep in one. How goth can you get? I'll bet you never lived in a tomb. Only Christ, vampires, and Poppy Z. Brite characters get to do that.
Of course, certain barking mad fundies disagree, and like nothing more than sending the Shanmonster hate mail:
Holy shit! Not being saved is hard work! These industrious Christians certainly keep me busy, although I often wonder why they seek me out just to flame me. There's an awful lot of people who express their hate by telling me of Jesus' love. Kinda ironic, hmm? I've never sent an unsolicited flame in my life. Oh well. Who knows? There's probably a rationale for it hidden somewhere in the bowels of that great Holy Bible (the real Bible, mind you, and not the hordes of Satanic Bibles)....
And it seems they also write in that special language - Christian English:
By the way, after I realized just how little regard most people hold for proper grammar and spelling, I've left off usingsicafter each error. Please consider the following letters (in reverse chronological order) to be held under a blanketsic.
(via Carnival of the Godless, hosted this week at Pharyngula)
The Thrice Great Moly gives us a Chick tract with a difference! (Thanks, Arthur D. Hlavaty)
United States: Fantasy writer Will Shetterly has written a short story called The People Who Owned the Bible and blogged it under a Creative Commons license. Most amusing.
Then Jimmy Joe Jenkins's DNA proved he was the primary descendent of the translators of the King James Version of the Bible. At first, Jimmy was satisfied with ten percent of the price of every KJV sold and 10 percent of every collection plate passed by any church that used the KJV. But when some churches switched to newer translations, Jimmy sicced his lawyers on all translations based on the KJV. That got him a cut of every Bible and every Christian service in English. Some translators claimed their work was based on older versions and should therefore be exempt, but none of them could afford to fight Jimmy in court.
So the churches grumbled and paid Jimmy his tithe, except for the Mormons, Christian Scientists, Seventh Day Adventists, Quakers, and Unitarian Universalists. Jimmy said their teachings hurt the commercial value of his property and refused to let them use the Bible. All of those groups dissolved, except for the Unitarian Universalists, who didn't notice a change.
Go. Read. Enjoy.
The People Who Owned the Bible - a story - it's all one thing, 10th January 2005 (via Boing Boing).
Scotland: God Hates Fags UK isn't owned by Fred Phelps, and offers a completely different perspective from that of Westboro Baptist Church:
Smoking tobacco is shite for your health, makes your clothes and breath stink and means that this particular queer will forthwith remove you from hisshaglist.
The particular queer in question just might have something to do with Pastor Best, OPI.
Want to Make! Money! Fast!? This Cooking Up Religious Icons CookBook! contains a few ideas:
Wow! This recipe book was inspired by the infamous Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Now you can cook up your own religious icons! Yes, your entire family will enjoy the wonder and awe of gathering around the dinner table to see if Peter, Paul, or ummm, Mary join in your feast. From a sizzling Jewish dish summoning those silly Rabbis of the past, to good 'ol Catholic pastries that may, and I stress MAY, produce images of those belt-yielding, knuckle- slapping nuns of your childhood days, this cookbook covers only the best! Whoo Hooo! Yum. Yum. And, how about Adam and Eve Apple Tarts! Yes indeed, nothin' says lovin' like tempting apple tarts.
25 personal recipies in total, from sinful deserts, heavenly main entrees, and even BREAD, this cookbook may unite your family like never before. lmagine any sinner simply cooking and eating their way to repentence!
Please note that I can cannot guarantee your personal results. Results do vary. Quality of cooking oil, location of home, elevation, angle of stove, overhead lighting, and your own personal disposition may determine results. However, that has yet to be determined. While I may have seen images of religious symbols when cooking from these recipies, I also believe that Martha Stewart is a Saint. OMG!! Wouldn't it be great if Martha's face showed up in the humble pie recipe! Note: Not responsible if John Lennon appears in any dish created.
Finally, if the bidding exceeds $2,000, I will gift to you a walking cane that does absolutely nothing but assist in leveraging a person that needs balance.
On-line casinos are highly encouraged to bid!!
Leda Horticulture provides us with a thorough list of Major Reasons People Become Homosexual. Obviously, the family environment is important in ensuring children grow up to be proper heterosexuals:
2. Having a single parent. Not having two parents makes a person queerer than a treeful of pink monkeys on helium. It just does.
3. Having two parents, but with an closer relationship to the mother than to the father. Makes boys crave male love, which they seek out through becoming leather bottoms to big mean daddy bears; makes girls wish to emulate their overbearing (possibly latently lesbian themselves!) mothers, thus encouraging them to adopt behavior which makes them unattractive to men but attractive to women.
4. Having two parents, but with a closer relationship to the father than to the mother. Makes boys want feminine affection, which they look for in effeminate men because they've learned that women cannot provide them the affection they seek; makes girls tomboyish at the same time that it makes them crave feminine affection, and if you can't just see lesbianism coming a mile away with *that* dynamic in place, well, shame on you.
5. Having two parents, but with equal and substantial relationships with both mother and father. Leads to insecurity about gender roles and the appropriate places of male and female partners in marriage relationships, which makes it seem easier to form attachments to members of one's own sex.
(via perlmonger)