September 12, 2008

Satanic game of the day

Apparently, the game Spore is evil, but not because of the intrusive DRM that punishes legitimate purchasers of the game. It's because it's part of a War on Creationism! The creator of the site explains where she got her insanity - it's hereditary.

(via hahathor)

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September 8, 2008

Somewhere over the rainbow

It all started when Failblog featured this amusing little conspiracy video:

Surely a joke? I prodded further, to try and find out more about it. ~ The Rainbow Conspiracy ~ CRAZY, NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE!!, and Conspiracy are definitely parody, as is this response, but then I spotted a term, and did a search for 'chembow'.

But none of these link the mysterious rainbows to the Gay Agenda. I'm most disappointed!

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December 1, 2007

A bear called Iolo

Science fiction and fantasy writer Liz Williams has issued a challenge:

If you can lampoon my religion more than its adherents do already, I will decide on a winner on Monday morning and send you a free signed copy of an Inspector Chen novel which you can then flog on E-bay for a few quid. Or whatever.

And the religion in question?

It's Druidry! We wear long white frocks with wellington boots underneath! We made it all up in the 1900s (OK, not all of it. And some of it, in 1950)! We celebrated at Stonehenge in the 1880s with a brass band and a cream tea, and in the 1980s with a pitched battle with the police! We have an official Stupid Hat!

I think she forgot the bit about it being made up in the 1900s from other bits that were forged a couple of hundred years earlier.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 01:50 | View blog reactions

September 12, 2007

Bampot or pisstake - you decide!

Sometimes its hard to tell the real barking mad fundie bampots from those who are taking the piss out of them, and Christians AGAINST Cartoons is one of those sites where I'm not sure which it is. I mean, look at this extract from the home page:

MTV2 has opened a new front in the assault against American Christian values last month with their new Sickomation stable of animated programming. In MTV’s attempt to mimic Cartoon Network’s homosexuality inducing Adult Swim, the music network has sunken to even more deplorable depths of depravity than the cartoon provider.

Although it would be easy to focus on the extreme violence of Sickomation's Celebrity Death Match, the show Where My Dogs At? is even more disturbing to the devout. Although the secular humanists who produce this show claim to be satirizing or parodying Hollywood hedonism (satire being the justification for all types of blasphemy), they are, in actually, embracing and propagating the worship of so many false idols with every revolting frame. Also, by having two stray dogs as the show's main characters, the show is, in fact, celebrating those who have strayed...FROM CHRIST!

Nope, still can't tell. Let's look at some more. I'm in Japan, so the section entitled Hello Kitty or Hello Anubis???? is obviously appropriate. It starts off as an agony aunt type letter, a woman whose neighbour has told her Hello Kitty is bad for her daughter's soul, and she is wondering why.

It is by no mere coincidence that Hello Kitty herself resembles the cat-headed Sekhmet, the Egyptian sun goddess of destruction! There are also strong resemblances between Hello Kitty and the Lower Nile love goddess Bast. Often cats and cat idols were entombed in the burial chambers of the Pharaohs for the cat had a deep mystical significance to these pagan slave drivers.

Permitting your child to lie in a bed covered in Hello Kitty dolls, you are allowing her to lie in a mock Egyptian burial chamber! This seemingly harmless fascination with these dolls can lead your child down the path of the occult. The so-called goth teens who paint their faces to resemble corpses and worship death are also often seen with Hello Kitty memorabilia and stickers incongruously affixed to their usually black attire. This is because these poor, misguided youngsters who have given their eternal souls over to the darkness, know the masked meaning of these cuddly idols. The Hello Kitty, the ChocoCat, The Badtz Maru are just sugar coated stand-ins for Sekhmet, the Anubis and Ra. These are the same gods that The Lord cast down into the sulfur pit of hell and made into demons! Their power, which allowed Ramses to turn his staff into a serpent, cannot be underestimated today.

There are enough inaccuracies here to push me gently towards the bampot side of the fence, what with Sekhmet being a lioness (not a cat, like Hello Kitty), Anubis being a jackal (a dog, not a cat, like Chococat) and Bad Badtz Maru being a penguin, which definitely doesn't fit into ancient Egyptian mythology! But maybe this is all part of the pisstake?

So, Christians AGAINST Cartoons - loony, fundie bampots or someone taking the piss out of loony fundie bampots? Can you tell?

For more on the occult evils of Hello Kitty, see Hello Kitty is the GoddessPrattle, 22nd July 2004.

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April 21, 2007

God Hates the World

A group of wags wind up everyone, including fundies, with their Westboro Baptist Church Choir skit:

The comments are excellent.

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March 26, 2007

A better commandment.

If holy books contained directives such as this, I might take them a little more seriously. Pity the example chosen is not an issue of grammar but of style. It would've been better to focus on the evils of forming the plural with apostrophe-s—if the Dutch can get it right when writing in English, then native speakers have no excuse whatsoever (via Arthur D. Hlavaty).

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Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 00:23 | View blog reactions

February 20, 2007

Bargain of the Day: knackered telly

I have this strange feeling that the vendor of today's bargain is not being entirely serious in their description of their wares, but the Miracle TV! Permanent TBN Phone Number Cures Ailments! does come with a video!

Up for sale here is 1 Miracle Television set guaranteed to cure any ailments and perform all miracles*. Operates without electricity, as seen above.

Miracles include but are not limited to:

Water to wine.

Parting of large bodies of water.

Produce manna from heaven.

Manifestation of fiery chariots.

Multiply loaves and fishes.

Kill Giants.

Walk on water.

Heal the sick and raise the dead.

Bring peace to all nations.

True story; We turned the TV off, but TBN's phone number remained! Is it a sign? YES. It is the 21st centuries' seraph! I had a vision. I must sell this TV set so that it may be released unto the World. For me to keep it would bring a curse upon my household.

Works great. Controller included.

*not responsible for any statements made nor the repercussions of said televisions actions

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January 26, 2007

What, no spam?

God's inbox, (via Lorem Ipsum)

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 14:11 | View blog reactions

January 13, 2007

Cattle mutilating space aliens go veggie

United States: Ah, the Weekly World News, such a wonderful publication bringing us exciting tales from all over the universe. Recently we were told of an interesting development of the cattle mutilation theme.

It was as if someone had taken a scalpel to the takeout box, Weald said of his mutilated order of steamed tofu. Neighboring containers of soy sauce and low-calorie dressing were unharassed.

High levels of radiation were found in the freezer, so the Weekly World News asked a suitably anonymous expert for their opinion.

However, NASA researchers believe that the tofu mutilators' origin may be otherworldly.

There have been increased reports of crop circles in soybean fields, and of UFO sightings near the star Vega, a NASA source revealed.

So there you have it - it was space vegans. Another story from a couple of weeks earlier, Health Food Stores Particularly Vulnerable to Alien Attack, supports this hypothesis.

Tofu Mutilations Blamed on Aliens from VegaWeekly World News, 4th December 2006 (via drieux).

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November 8, 2006

Aleister Crowley and the Bushes.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I really wish an April Fool were true.

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Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 00:29 | View blog reactions

August 28, 2006

SubGenii challenge Hollywood cranks

United States: The Church of the SubGenius has issued a press release declaring they are the loopiest of all the cults:

Tom Cruise is pitching for Scientology; Madonna sings the praises of Kabbalah. Strange religious groups (or cults) are in vogue in today's Hollywood. But when it comes to bizarre rituals and crackpot beliefs, even Scientology can't hold a candle to the Church of the SubGenius, a new religious movement set to take Hollywood by storm.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a parody of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, the Unification Church, and racist hate groups such as Christian Identity. The organization is widely seen as a satire that mocks organized religion, or as the church describes itself, a cynisacreligion. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure named J.R. Bob Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime.

A number of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, Robert Anton Wilson, and Pee-Wee Herman. A number of comic book artists praise the group's teachings, including legendary "underground" artists Robert Crumb and Paul Mavrides, along with Bob Burden (whose works were recently adapted into the motion picture Mystery Men). Mavrides was art director of the 1999 documentary Grass, whichy featured Woody Harrelson and many other celebrities.

They're more honest than the other groups though:

In an interview with CNN, Church business manager Reverend Ivan Stang said, We're probably the only cult that admits we're ripping them off every day, and teaching them to enjoy it.

SubGenius UFO Cult Challenges Scientology For Hollywood WeirdnessFirst Online Church of Bob press release, 27th August 2006.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 16:10 | View blog reactions

March 20, 2006

March 9, 2006

God angry with Blair; plague of toads threatened

News has reached Prattle Towers (temporary Irish encampment) that Terry Jones has a scoop from Heaven itself—the Lord God Almighty is not pleased at Tony Blair's attempt to blame Him for the Iraq business.

A high-level leak has revealed that God is furious at Tony Blair's attempts to implicate him in the bombing of Iraq. Sources close to the archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty as hopping mad ... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public Himself, owing to the MMW agreement (a reference to the long-established Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat)...

If Tony Blair thinks his friendship with George W Bush is worth rubbing out a couple of hundred thousand Iraqi men, women and children, then that's something he can talk over with me later, said God. But when he starts publicly claiming that's the way I do the arithmetic too, it's time I put my foot down! It is well known that God has a very big foot.

God: I've lost faith in BlairThe Guardian, 8th March 2006.

March 7, 2006

First with the news

What if the Earth was destroyed? How would you know? Well, the Prattle now links to an important service which will tell you the current Earth Destruction Status, provided by the International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board in Nottingham.

Current Earth-Destruction Status

So, from now on, if you need to know whether the Earth has been destroyed, you just need to check the sidebar. You do not need to worry unless you see this:

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 14:38 | View blog reactions

March 5, 2006

Situational science

Today's Doonsbury explains how to deal with empirical data which don't match your beliefs.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 11:40 | View blog reactions

March 4, 2006

The Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoons Contest

Israel: Back in February, an couple of Israelis announced their own response to the Mohammed cartoons:

Eyal Zusman (30, back from anonymity) and Amitai Sandy (29), graphic artist and publisher of Dimona Comix Publishing, from Tel-Aviv, Israel, have followed the unfolding of the Muhammad cartoon-gate events in amazement, until finally they came up with the right answer to all this insanity - and so they announced today the launch of a new anti-Semitic cartoons contest - this time drawn by Jews themselves!

We'll show the world we can do the best, sharpest, most offensive Jew hating cartoons ever published! said Sandy No Iranian will beat us on our home turf!

Well, the results are in, and you can view the cartoons online: Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoons Contest, and an exhibition in Tel Aviv is planned. Not surprisingly, most refer to the Palestinian situation, the Holocaust or parody old tropes about Jewish control of the media. There are a few making reference to that eternally Prattleworthy topic, the Blood Libel, and my choice for the best of them is Matzoh Balls, by Guttman and McConnell.

[Matzoh Balls, by Guttman and McConnell]

Israeli group announces anti-Semitic cartoons contest!Boomka.org, 14th February 2006.

Bampot tag: .

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February 18, 2006

Do everything you want as long as it helps yourself

A new Hollywood cult is exposed by RevolutionSF:

Biccans in Hollywood, and even the rest of society, are misunderstood. Many call them bitches, but, Biccans say, that term is misused.

A bitch is someone in old movies, who makes people do what she wants, and is evil and horrible to look at, said Doherty, like Barbra Streisand.

Bicca is an universe-based religion, in which the entire universe orbits around the Biccan. Biccans know and honor a female god, known to them as myself. Biccans believe in a creed that states, Do everything you want as long as it helps yourself.

Biccans do not believe that Bicca is the only valid belief system. It is just the only one they care about. Since Bicca is a universe-based religion, the need for perfect imbalance must be pointed out. Any Biccan who does anything to help another person, even another Biccan, must be ridiculed by small groups of gathering Biccans, known as those Biccans sitting over there.

Bitches Prefer "Biccans"RevolutionSF, not dated. (thanks, AJ)

February 17, 2006

More blasphemous cartoons - yay!

Randy McDonald has drawn my attention to another brave cartoonist, who, in the interests of freedom of speech, has sketched deliberately blasphemous cartoons. Patrick Ian Banks fears he might be driven into hiding by the fanatical followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

February 13, 2006

Jumping on the bandwagon

Well, it had to happen. In the interests of free speech, I feel it is very important that I reproduce some horrendous, blasphemous cartoons. Not having any cartoonists to hand, I drew them myself, and you will have to be satisfied with my own rough sketches (the pubs are open, after all). I thoroughly expect worshippers of the deity I have depicted in such terrible circumstances to riot, or something. Anyway, I hereby present the Pagan Prattle carnival of blasphemy!

Continue reading "Jumping on the bandwagon"

February 11, 2006

Stuff Simian Secularism!

Cartoonist Matt Bors proides us with some choice extracts from The New Christian Science Textbook. (via Pharyngula).

February 9, 2006

A very naughty boy

You've seen the Hamster Dance, the Hilter Dance and the Jesus Dance. You will not be surprised to hear, then, of the existence of the Mohammed Dance, based on certain cartoons.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 09:53 | View blog reactions

January 25, 2006

Low-grade entertainment

It seems someone with a sense of humour vandalised the Wikipedia entry on Wicca. Not recommended for Fluffy Bunny Pagans (thanks Tez).

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December 26, 2005

Boxing Day movie

Jesus Christ: the Musical [QuickTime] is probably more suited to Easter than Christmas, but it's still a good bit of camp humour and Christian Voice are bound to hate it. Thank you Sister Pollyanal Buttercup.

October 24, 2005

Seeing Things in Sand Dunes

Peru: We often report on religious simulcra of the type designed to part the gullible from their money. This time around it appears that the face on Mars is taking a holiday in Peru.

Well it's gotta be Jesus, right? I mean that dude's forever popping up in toast/paint/fungus etc, so why should sand dunes be any different?

Face of Jesus Found In Sand Dune - Associated Press, 5th July 2005 (via Boingboing).

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Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 01:45 | View blog reactions

July 3, 2005

Making kooks make sense

It's amazing what going from 'English', to Japanese, then back to English, then to German, French and finally English again does to QuePirate's rants. It almost makes sense!

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PersonSmarty Trousers! - that would be us, then. Although we're clearly not smart enough to try and engage a soft toy in theological debate (and still lose).

Bampot tags: , .

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June 24, 2005

Get the T-shirt

United States: Bobby Henderson felt moved to write an Open Letter to Kansas School Board after he learned of a hearing to determine whether creationism intelligent design should be taught in the state's schools. His worry? that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design:

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

After presenting a more thorough exposition of this startling hypothesis, and an explanation of the importance of piratical regalia, he offers something that Biblical creationists can't: hard data.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

(via The Magician).

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April 15, 2005

A really educational abstinence-only site

AbstinenceOnly hopes to become the number-one ranked site for the keywords "Abstinence", "Abstinence Only" and "Abstinence Education" by providing the latest in abstinence education in a way that's both entertaining and informative. Information like this guide to the Biblcal story of Onan:

...there's nothing in vain about firing your load all over your faith partner's face and tits. The bible specifically admonishes Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground, so as long as your aim is good, you have nothing to worry about.

April 14, 2005

Fleecing for Dummies

Short on cash? Really need a luxury yacht, but don't have the pennies to hand? The solution? Open your own "money church", and get the poor to buy it for you! Just follow this simple tutorial from Bad Gas:

Money churches are the next big thing and the equation is a simple one: find a disused warehouse, school or office in a downtrodden area of London; clear it out and then fill it with chairs and a lectern; open your doors to innocent, God-fearing Africans at strange times of the week; whip them up into a religious frenzy, pass the collection plate around and watch your bank balance grow Thanks Be To God The Lord Saviour Our Reborn King.

A simple list is provided to help you with that all-important corporate identity:

Continue reading "Fleecing for Dummies"

April 9, 2005

The Party of Moderate Progress within the Bounds of the Law goes radical

United States: Jon Carroll, of the San Francisco Chronicle, has received a mysterious message via an anonymous spam remailer, purporting to be from a shadowy organisation called the Unitarian Jihad. It makes extremely undisturbing reading:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

And how does this Jihad plan to implement its unterrifying aims?

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for balance by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

Jon Carroll - San Francisco Chronicle, 8th April 2005 (via various LiveJournals).

April 7, 2005

Not the Bargain of the Day: Pope simulacrumb.

I thought I'd found it - Pope on a cookie??! It's a miracle!!, then I looked at the picture.

[Pope on a biscuit]So.... I was walking along a downtown path and tripped over this homeless guy. Out of his knapsack on a stick rolled out this AMAZING cookie with an image of the late pope on it. I was totally breath taken at this wonderful find! It was if the cookie was calling out to me. I just had to know how the old man came across such an amazing cookie. The old man started telling me the story of the cookie, but he was too intoxicated and I couldn't understand his babbling. He said if I allowed him to work for food, I could take the cookie home. I was planning on keeping it for myself, but it just looks too tasty and I'm afraid I will eat the pope. It has been tormenting me ever since and I just need someone to take this cookie off my hands.

The cookie does speak to me in my sleep. It constantly says, eat me, EAT ME but I just know it would be wrong. You just simply cannot eat such a miracle! I try to shut the voice of the cookie out of my mind, but it can also speak telepathically. I don't even see the cookies lips move! AMAZING!

The cookie appears to be of a chocolate chip variety. I don't know how delicious it is.....yet. If someone doesn't take this off my hands soon, its fate is to my belly.

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 13:02 | View blog reactions

April 5, 2005

Harry Potter is evil and Bush is the antichrist

Red Wolf commented:

If you ran a combined post citing Harry Potter as evil and Bush as the anti-Christ, would fundie heads explode?

So, in the true spirit of scientific enquiry, let's just say Harry Potter is evil and George W. Bush is the antichrist and see what happens.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 01:53 | View blog reactions

March 22, 2005

Stupid Questions

Australia: It's coming up Easter and for most people this will mean holidays and chocolate, but for the fundies it's just another opportunity to be offensive. Their efforts at education have resulted in creative comebacks from the great unwashed.

The Christians at the ABC have been papering the Ultimo building with pamphlets asking 'What does Easter mean?', writes Melissa Mason, of Marrickville. Among the answers scrawled over them, one clever wag has written 'Further to the east'.

Column 8 - Sydney Morning Herald, 22nd March 2005.

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March 11, 2005

Satirising the superstitious

United Kingdom: The organisation formerly known as the National Viewers and Listeners Association neglected to register the obvious choice of domain name when they changed their name. So, MediaWatch UK might not be quite what you were expecting:

MediaWatch-UK is a collective of grumpy old men and frumpy old women singularly dedicated to spoiling the fun of the rest of the British population. Please take time to browse through our site and read about our campaigns. For members of the bigoted right wing press who are having trouble making up enough anti-gypsy and anti-asylum seeker stories to fill their pages, our press page contains a wide range of outraged and reactionary stories that you can seize on to.

This service is open to Sun journalists as well, if that is, they can get over the moral duplicity of complaining about the filth on TV in their editorials whilst simultaneously exploiting images of topless females on their pages every day to sell more papers.

They are not the only collection of barking mad fundie killjoys to be spoofed, either. Take a peek at Anti-Christian Voice, which closely parodies the site of Stephen Green, the lone loon who campaigns against Jerry Springer, the Opera.

Both these links were discovered via MediaWatch Watch a laudable site which keeps its eye on those organisations who try to restrict freedom of expression because their imaginary friend is upset about it.

February 24, 2005

Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist Preachers as Pets

United States: Tired of dealing with the cruel taunts of Christian Fundamentalist preachers, FistOn.Org has developed their own thoroughly scientific method of dealing with this rightwing menace. They capture them, shrink them and sell them as pets.

They come complete with helpful pet care tips.

Your preacher has never been four inches tall before; neither has it ever found itself screaming inside a fruit jar with holes in the lid. It will therefore feel a tad frightened and mistrustful, and may rend its little preaching garment in a droll sort of despair, just like a real Biblical character, whoever that was. When you arrive home, your pet will likely be all tuckered out from damning you to eternal hell.
Continue reading "Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist Preachers as Pets"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 04:31 | View blog reactions

February 7, 2005

Bye bye, Trekkies!

What does Star Trek have to do with the Tsunami?. Everything, according to Rev. John "Transporter Buffer" Mayfield of the Order Of The Isolinear Temple. In an egregiously cross-posted article, We'll Be Leaving May 13th, he calls on Trekkies to leave the planet.

On May 13th, 2005, after the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise, we will shed our containers and join our space brothers on their star ships in orbit.

With the ending of the Star Trek franchise, there is no longer any reason for us to stay on Earth. The end of the franchise is a sign the world will soon face apocalyptic catastrophes and will be completely destroyed. We know full well the tsunami in the Indian Ocean was a precursor of future calamities to come. The cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise further solidified our beliefs.

Thousands of us, consisting of Star Trek fans all over the world, will be beaming up our katras to the space brothers star ships as we rise to the level of Kholinar above Earth and travel along side our Heaven's Gate cousins.

So, what can we do to stop this terrible loss to humanity?

The only event which will reverse our decision and the fate of Earth is for UPN to renew Star Trek: Enterprise for the 5th, 6th and 7th seasons.

That last bit makes me wonder if it isn't a candidate for the Intentional Humour category.

February 6, 2005

Jesus - Goth as Fuck

Jesus Was Gother Than You and Shanmonster can prove it!

Christ was into body piercing. He only did it a few times, but what a statement he made with his piercings! He had a huge-guage piercing gun zap his hands, feet, and side. To top it all off, he did it all in front of an audience, making him one of the first performance artists...

...He spent time in tombs. Like I mentioned before, he hung out with Lazarus in one once, but there's much more to it. He once pretended to be dead for three days so that he could sleep in one. How goth can you get? I'll bet you never lived in a tomb. Only Christ, vampires, and Poppy Z. Brite characters get to do that.

Of course, certain barking mad fundies disagree, and like nothing more than sending the Shanmonster hate mail:

Holy shit! Not being saved is hard work! These industrious Christians certainly keep me busy, although I often wonder why they seek me out just to flame me. There's an awful lot of people who express their hate by telling me of Jesus' love. Kinda ironic, hmm? I've never sent an unsolicited flame in my life. Oh well. Who knows? There's probably a rationale for it hidden somewhere in the bowels of that great Holy Bible (the real Bible, mind you, and not the hordes of Satanic Bibles)....

And it seems they also write in that special language - Christian English:

By the way, after I realized just how little regard most people hold for proper grammar and spelling, I've left off using sic after each error. Please consider the following letters (in reverse chronological order) to be held under a blanket sic.

(via Carnival of the Godless, hosted this week at Pharyngula)

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 21:14 | View blog reactions

January 20, 2005

Zeus Saves

The Thrice Great Moly gives us a Chick tract with a difference! (Thanks, Arthur D. Hlavaty)

January 14, 2005

The People Who Owned the Bible

United States: Fantasy writer Will Shetterly has written a short story called The People Who Owned the Bible and blogged it under a Creative Commons license. Most amusing.

Then Jimmy Joe Jenkins's DNA proved he was the primary descendent of the translators of the King James Version of the Bible. At first, Jimmy was satisfied with ten percent of the price of every KJV sold and 10 percent of every collection plate passed by any church that used the KJV. But when some churches switched to newer translations, Jimmy sicced his lawyers on all translations based on the KJV. That got him a cut of every Bible and every Christian service in English. Some translators claimed their work was based on older versions and should therefore be exempt, but none of them could afford to fight Jimmy in court.

So the churches grumbled and paid Jimmy his tithe, except for the Mormons, Christian Scientists, Seventh Day Adventists, Quakers, and Unitarian Universalists. Jimmy said their teachings hurt the commercial value of his property and refused to let them use the Bible. All of those groups dissolved, except for the Unitarian Universalists, who didn't notice a change.

Go. Read. Enjoy.

The People Who Owned the Bible - a story - it's all one thing, 10th January 2005 (via Boing Boing).

January 8, 2005

Current Mood: sore

A small helping of blasphemous humour (thanks, Sharon).

January 3, 2005

Fags, the Scottish perspective

Scotland: God Hates Fags UK isn't owned by Fred Phelps, and offers a completely different perspective from that of Westboro Baptist Church:

Smoking tobacco is shite for your health, makes your clothes and breath stink and means that this particular queer will forthwith remove you from his shag list.

The particular queer in question just might have something to do with Pastor Best, OPI.

December 24, 2004

December 9, 2004

Bargain of the Day: simulacra cookbook

Want to Make! Money! Fast!? This Cooking Up Religious Icons CookBook! contains a few ideas:

Wow! This recipe book was inspired by the infamous Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Now you can cook up your own religious icons! Yes, your entire family will enjoy the wonder and awe of gathering around the dinner table to see if Peter, Paul, or ummm, Mary join in your feast. From a sizzling Jewish dish summoning those silly Rabbis of the past, to good 'ol Catholic pastries that may, and I stress MAY, produce images of those belt-yielding, knuckle- slapping nuns of your childhood days, this cookbook covers only the best! Whoo Hooo! Yum. Yum. And, how about Adam and Eve Apple Tarts! Yes indeed, nothin' says lovin' like tempting apple tarts.

25 personal recipies in total, from sinful deserts, heavenly main entrees, and even BREAD, this cookbook may unite your family like never before. lmagine any sinner simply cooking and eating their way to repentence!

Please note that I can cannot guarantee your personal results. Results do vary. Quality of cooking oil, location of home, elevation, angle of stove, overhead lighting, and your own personal disposition may determine results. However, that has yet to be determined. While I may have seen images of religious symbols when cooking from these recipies, I also believe that Martha Stewart is a Saint. OMG!! Wouldn't it be great if Martha's face showed up in the humble pie recipe! Note: Not responsible if John Lennon appears in any dish created.

Finally, if the bidding exceeds $2,000, I will gift to you a walking cane that does absolutely nothing but assist in leveraging a person that needs balance.

On-line casinos are highly encouraged to bid!!

November 20, 2004

Nipping pansies in the bud

Leda Horticulture provides us with a thorough list of Major Reasons People Become Homosexual. Obviously, the family environment is important in ensuring children grow up to be proper heterosexuals:

2. Having a single parent. Not having two parents makes a person queerer than a treeful of pink monkeys on helium. It just does.

3. Having two parents, but with an closer relationship to the mother than to the father. Makes boys crave male love, which they seek out through becoming leather bottoms to big mean daddy bears; makes girls wish to emulate their overbearing (possibly latently lesbian themselves!) mothers, thus encouraging them to adopt behavior which makes them unattractive to men but attractive to women.

4. Having two parents, but with a closer relationship to the father than to the mother. Makes boys want feminine affection, which they look for in effeminate men because they've learned that women cannot provide them the affection they seek; makes girls tomboyish at the same time that it makes them crave feminine affection, and if you can't just see lesbianism coming a mile away with *that* dynamic in place, well, shame on you.

5. Having two parents, but with equal and substantial relationships with both mother and father. Leads to insecurity about gender roles and the appropriate places of male and female partners in marriage relationships, which makes it seem easier to form attachments to members of one's own sex.

(via perlmonger)

September 22, 2004

Hurricanes a punishment from God

United States: Bob Morris offers evidence of the existence of God, and a vengeful one at that:

I thought it was an interesting coincidence that a state with a questionable presidential election results would be pummeled by hurricanes just before the next election. The I thought it was an interesting coincidence that the storms spared Miami, who voted for Gore in 2000. Just out of curiosity, I overlaid the two maps: one of the tracks of the hurricanes of 2004, and one of the election results of 2000.
This is no longer an interesting coincidence. It is an unmistakable message from God. I hope everyone is listening.

(via Mary Kay Kare)

September 21, 2004

Everything you need to know about God

If you have any questions about God, the answer can be found in the God F.A.Q. (thank you, Novice Nun the Wiser, OPI).

Bampot tags: , .

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August 10, 2004

More Musings About the Sanity of Fundies from LiveJournal

Next time you're in need of medical assistance, it might be a wise move to avoid to insane religious loons loose in the Alabama medical system.

littledevi: There was this story on All Things Considered about nurses in Alabama who refuse to dispense the morning after pill. One of them went into great detail about how when a teenager asked her for the pill, she felt Christ put his arms around her and tell her, No, no, no. It got me wondering — what percentage of nurses are certifiably crazy? Must be more than a few. You should possess a modicum of sanity in order to care for people, I think.
msmongi: I just told my mother that story (she's been an RN for over 30 years) and she just shouted back Take the cunt's license from her! Considering my mother NEVER cusses, I am vastly amused.
Continue reading "More Musings About the Sanity of Fundies from LiveJournal"
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August 7, 2004

Amusement via LiveJournal

Serawench offers a succinct explanation for why people who harangue you about religion are likely to live a much shorter life than others:

My mother isn't an alcoholic or an addict of any drug, but I find she uses her religion the same way others use those types of things. Everything in her life revolves around her religion — and while in reality her life isn't in danger from stupid actions while high or drunk, it is in danger from me clocking her the next time she tells me I'm going to hell if I don't convert.

serawench in this comment to champion, 5th August 2004 (via Overheard On LiveJournal).

Continue reading "Amusement via LiveJournal"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 07:47 | View blog reactions

July 24, 2004

Scaring the Door Knockers

United States: I love a good frighten the fundies away tale and this is one of the more amusing.

I'm sitting on the steps leading up to (and down from, coincidentally) my apartment, smoking. It's five-thirty in the morning. Two Mormon boys appear at the bottom of the stairs.

Mormon boy 1: "Well, don't you look cheerful."

Yours Truly: "I'm contemplating genocide."
Continue reading "Scaring the Door Knockers"

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June 19, 2004

Pot Calling Kettle Black

United States: The always amusing Mark Morford drags a pompous little fundie into the light and takes a look a bizarre American culture, or lack thereof.

Continue reading "Pot Calling Kettle Black"

June 16, 2004

Swiss Put A VooDoo Whammy On Beckham

Switzerland: You've got to love a country with a wacky sense of humour.

Swiss fans have taken to voodoo to pin down England ahead of their Euro 2004 match Thursday.
Join in — give the English pains in their legs on June 17 against Switzerland, said the newspaper campaign which shows an effigy of England captain David Beckham with nails, screws and tacks stuck in his legs.
This might help: Rip out this page, stick it to the wall, give it a good going-over with nails, needles and the stapler. And believe in it, said the advertisement, a tongue-in-cheek campaign to promote Swiss advertising agencies.
England captain Beckham broke a bone in his foot in 2002 just before the World Cup although he played in the tournament.

Swiss Soccer Fans Pin Down England with Voodoo Campaign - Reuters, 15th June 2004.

May 29, 2004

I drink, therefore flying pink elephants exist.

...Therefore, God Exists is a list summarising arguments 'proving' the existence of God. Some favourites:

6. TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT
(1) Check out that tree. Isn't it pretty?
(2) Therefore, God exists.

8. MORAL ARGUMENT (I)
(1) Person X, a well-known atheist, was morally inferior to the rest of us.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

10. ARGUMENT FROM CREATION
(1) If evolution is false, then creationism is true, and therefore God exists.
(2) Evolution can't be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable
(3) Therefore, God exists.

18. ARGUMENT FROM NUMBERS
(1) Millions and millions of people believe in God.
(2) They can't all be wrong, can they?
(3) Therefore, God exists.

25. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
(1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!
(2) No one has ever refuted (1).
(3) Therefore, God exists.

35. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETE DEVASTATION
(1) A plane crashed killing 143 passengers and crew.
(2) But one child survived with only third-degree burns.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

82. ARGUMENT FROM SQUARE CIRCLES
1) There is no such thing as a square circle.
2) God is not a square circle.
3) Therefore, God exists.

There are 519 of 'em at the moment, so I might be some time. (via Macadamia's Trinkets).

Fafblog Interviews Focus on the Family Cult Leader

United States: On Fafblog, a very funny fake interview with James Dobson, leader of the anti-gay-marriage nutbars Focus on the Family.

FAFBLOG: So! How's the Family?

JAMES DOBSON: The Family is in deadly danger, Fafnir.

FB: Danger? Oh no! I like families!

JD: Yes, danger from the homosexual agenda which has been trying for decades to destroy it.

FB: I never knew homosexuals had an agenda! I just thought they were ordinary people who were easily stereotyped as lovers of musical theater.

JD: So they and the gay-controlled Hollywood elite would have you believe. But the Forces of Gay are now closer than ever to destroying the divine institution of the civil marriage certificate, and with it, the family itself.

Fafblog Interviews: DR. JAMES DOBSON - Fafblog, 25th May 2004 (via BoingBoing).

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 07:51 | View blog reactions

May 17, 2004

The plastic of the Christ

Don't miss this exciting QuickTime commercial for the Jesus Christ Action Figure (with walk-on-water action!). It's like Mel Gibson's PASSION without all the hassle.... And if you like it, you can buy a DVD with this, and more of the director's work. If you are feeling particularly rich, the actual figure used is for sale on eBay - but it's at $425 and the reserve hasn't been met yet.

May 13, 2004

English-Fundie phrase book

The Fundie Phrase Dictionary is designed to help further debate on religion and science.

When you debate with a Christian fundamentalist, you may often find that the two of you are going around in circles, almost as if you are speaking different languages. The reason for this is simple: you are speaking different languages.

So the Dictionary provides a handy table listing common phrases, a normal person's definition of that phrase and a Fundie's definition.

Freedom of expression
[Normal person] The freedom to make literature or films without censorship, provided you don't violate someone's rights. For example, child porn violates children, snuff films kill people, etc.
[Fundie] The freedom to make literature or films without censorship, provided you do not offend Christian values.
Alternatively, it is the freedom to express your religious beliefs wherever and whenever you want, in any venue you want, even if it is on someone else's property (eg- public property which is shared by people of all beliefs) or you are a schoolteacher and your job is to be neutral on religion.

(via Pharyngula.)

May 10, 2004

Rip. mix. take the piss

Pericat has come up with her own improvement on the latest Chick tract. Here's a taster-ette:

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 13:14 | View blog reactions

May 8, 2004

My Life as a Celebrity Scientologist

United States: Harmon Leon decided to check himself into the Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles — a Scientology retreat for the rich and famous. He made sure his friends knew where he was going and when to come and get him.

We go to a fancy, roped-off office on the first floor. There's a large desk, a book shelf, and a lot of pictures of boats on the wall.
And this is L. Ron Hubbard's office.
The actual office used by L. Ron Hubbard? This is like being in Jesus' room.
No. Each Scientology center has an office for L. Ron Hubbard, decorated in a way he would like it.
Oh, so the office was used when he was visiting, ya?
No. He died before this hotel was refurbished.
Someone should mention to this lady that dead guys don't need offices. Especially an office built for a dead guy after the dead guy is dead.

My Life as a Celebrity Scientologist - The Rick A. Ross Institute, (via Opinions of the Wolf: Opinion).

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 01:17 | View blog reactions

April 18, 2004

Questioning Catholic Logic

United States: Aloysius takes to the Catholic trinity with a mathematicians mind. This also explains why I failed religion in high school.

Suppose that the triune God of Catholicism exists. Then God is both three beings (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) and one being (God). Therefore three equals one. Therefore, two equals zero.
Therefore, you have no legs, and any that you may believe yourself to be walking about on are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

My failing had more to do with my questioning of everything, but declaring the concept of the Catholic trinity as utter illogical bollocks to a religion teacher, certainly didn't help.

Arithmetic of the Trinity - HogBlog, 17th April 2004.

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 04:06 | View blog reactions

April 13, 2004

The True Meaning of Easter

United States: Aloysius once again casts and amusing and enlightening look at traditional stories.

As the last minutes of this most blessed holiday leak slowly like marmalade through the cracks in the aged jar of Time, let us pause and remember that Easter is not just a time of chocolate, but a deeply spiritual occasion.
Do you know the story of Easter, boys and girls? No? Then listen...
Continue reading "The True Meaning of Easter"

April 6, 2004

A Christian Lady's Guide to the Disgusting Marital Obligation of Biannual Fellatio

United States: Send yourself wafting off serenely to sleep with First Lady Laura Pickles Bush's tips on fellating your Christian husband.

As Christians, we so often get caught up in talking about the sanctity of everyone else's marriages, that we clear forget to pay attention to our own! Republicans all agree that the best way to stop sex is simply to say, "shhhhh!" when young folks start to talk about their naughty places! And traditionally no one has more eagerly embraced the notion of abstinence than Christian housewives when it comes to giving those dreaded pickle-tickles that our men seem to go so crazy for! But as the Apostle Paul said, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet (some of you less proficient gals take this a bit too literally — yes, I'm talking to you Lynne) and submit!
A lot of folks ask me how I got my nickname Pickles. Well, I'm fixing to tell you. It was way back when I was a popular gal with the boys at Midland High. And let's just say I never had to worry about working a Love Waits t-shirt into my cowgirl wardrobe! But this got me thinking: why don't I draw on my vast experience on the prairies of Texas to teach you to be a firecracker in your own bedroom, barn or Cutlass backseat?

How to Tickle a Pickle! - Betty Bowers, (via HogBlog).

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 02:37 | View blog reactions

April 2, 2004

Why fundies are stupid

Germany: A researcher at the Hamburg Medical Research Institute has discovered that sex stimulates the brain and enhances intelligence.

He said that love making not only excited the body but also the brain and the increased amount of adrenaline and cortisol hormones that are produced stimulates the grey matter, reported magazine Unicum Campus.
Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of life not linked to sex, said [Werner] Habermehl.

Orgasm also serves to improve self-confidence. Sex makes you clever - Ananova, not dated but let's guess that it was yesterday morning (via morons.org).

March 26, 2004

ATTENTION HOMOPHOBIC HETEROSEXUALS

Marc-Anthony Macon and his boyfriend are fed up of being told that they already have the same rights as straight men -- they may marry women. So, he's come up with a cunning plan:

Until you allow gay couples, nation-wide, to marry one-another, we will start marrying your potential mates.
That's right.
Gay men are going to cruise around and find the hottest women they can, and marry them. Don't think the women will be up for it? Let me ask you this:
If women were given the choice of marrying a straight man, who won't give them much sex after the first couple of years, or marrying gay men who will give them no sex, but allow them to sleep with whomever they want, along with taking them dancing, to romantic dinners, bring them random gifts of flowers, tell them how beautiful they are, remember their birthdays and anniversaries and decorate their homes Which marriage will sound better to them?

You have been warned...

March 19, 2004

Jesus Peanut Butter Cups

Let it be noted that Aloysius is in danger of getting a bill for the removal of nasal filtered beverages from the interior of my keyboard.

Little pieces of the son of god in a milk chocolate cup. There's no wrong way to eat a Jesus.

goats: strip from March / 13 / 1998 - Goats, 13th March 1998 (via HogBlog).

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 05:29 | View blog reactions

March 8, 2004

Practical blasphemy

The subject of this week's Photoshop Phriday over at Something Awful is Advertisements of the Christ. Readers were invited to alter screenshots from The Passion of the Christ in a creative manner:

The movie has garnered near universal praise for its accurate depiction of the life and struggles of Jesus, an olden day muckraker turned messiah. However, the movie has not been without criticism, largely due to its extensive use of product placement, which many people feel undermines the authenticity of the movie and cheapens the sacrifice of Jesus. To find out if the line was indeed crossed, the Something Awful Forum Goons went to the trouble of illegally videotaping the movie and then posting screenshots. Please take a look at their work and judge for yourself, as Jesus surely would if he was here.

March 6, 2004

God does nothing in San Francisco

United States: Mark Morford lives in San Francisco and is upset because nothing is happening.

Where is my raging apocalypse? This is what I want to know. Where is the social meltdown? The moral depravity? I was promised an apocalypse, dammit. What am I supposed to do with all these tubs of margarine and confetti and kazoos?

The fundies promised him riots, and other fun. Some even insist that it's happening, but all he can see out of his window is some lovely trees and a stunning blue sky and my neighbor walking by with her pair of matching chow chows.

It's anarchy, some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey. Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children.

He suspects that the good Christians might have been bearing a touch of the old false witness.

I believe I have been misled. I was told repeatedly in extra-glowing terminology by multiple raging Bible-quoting drones that The Good Book expressly forbids gay marriage and gay sex, and to engage in either spells imminent doom and instant social bedlam and there are specific verses all about it.

Perhaps God takes his time; perhaps Satan takes his time? They are quite old, after all:

Maybe it's still to come. Maybe total screaming misery and unspeakable sociocultural collapse coupled with wanton bestiality and incest and the giving away of free anal beads to innocent teenagers takes more than a month. Maybe I'm just a little impatient.
Maybe Satan is taking his sweet time to marshal his leather-clad armies, watching as other U.S. cities get in on the gay-marriage act, listening as mayors and governors all chime in their support and say what's the big deal. Maybe Beelzebub is waiting for a big moment so as to really leverage the coming news flash, the special report, the sudden activation of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Where Is My Gay Apocalypse? Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was promised hellfire. And riots. What gives? - SF Gate, 5th March 2004.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 21:37 | View blog reactions

March 4, 2004

What's Popcorn in Aramaic?

United Kingdom: The wits over at The Guardian have come up with a glossary of useful Aramaic phrases to help enrich your enjoyment of The Passion of The Christ.

B-kheeruut re'yaaneyh laa kaaley tsuuraathaa khteepaathaa, ellaa Zaynaa Mqatlaanaa Trayaanaa laytaw!
It may be uncompromising in its liberal use of graphic violence, but Lethal Weapon II it ain't.
Da'ek teleyfoon methta'naanaak, pquud. Guudaapaw!
Please turn off your mobile phone. It is blasphemous.
Shbuuq shuukhaaraa deel. Man ethnaggad udamshaa?
Sorry I'm late. Have I missed any scourging?
Aykaa beyt tadkeetha? Zaadeq lee d-asheeg eeday men perdey devshaanaayey haaleyn!
Where is the loo? I need to wash my hands of this popcorn.
Continue reading "What's Popcorn in Aramaic?"

March 3, 2004

Tattoo Ideas for Jesus

United States: Last week the always amusing Mark Markford proposed a question in his Morning Fix Newsletter; If Jesus Christ were to get a tattoo, what would it be of, where would it go, and why? And the responses rolled in.

Darwin fish, left ankle. Eye in the Pyramid, both palms. — David Mountain
It would be of Magdalene, as his consort. He would put it on his chest near his heart, and it would be of her because every Male deity needs have a female shakti to balance him. — Christine Berger
Continue reading "Tattoo Ideas for Jesus"

March 2, 2004

Leviticus 11:9-12

God hates shrimp just as much as those icky pooves, don't you know?

Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

(via Sister Kitty Catalyst)

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February 29, 2004

Betty Bowers on Mel Gibson

It would have been surprising if Landover Baptist had nothing to say about The Passion of the Christ, and of course Betty Bowers had to review it. I don't think she liked it:

Anyone who saw the Diane Sawyer interview knows that Mel Gibson is a few beads short of a rosary. Mr. Gibson, a serial adulterer who finds piety in not speaking English at Mass, invested $25 million of his own money in this film. Just like Rosie O'Donnell with Taboo, Mr. Gibson broke the Golden Rule of showbiz to put on a show about a man who wore a dress. One might wonder why a director would choose to make a film about Someone whose life has provided inspiration to millions in a manner that borrows less from Jesus' words than it does from a bootleg copy of an Argentinean snuff film. But any Baptist who has slipped into a cathedral to reach out to Catholics by helpfully scrawling Damned Pagan Mary Worshipers on statuary can attest to Roman Catholics' lugubrious preoccupation with the logistical nuances of slowly torturing another human to death. Their apses sport crosses that attempt to outdo each other in the gothic, bloodthirsty enterprise of artistically doting on the macabre specifics of skin lacerations and their effluence. Verily, the Marquis de Sade has nothing on these people when it comes to harnessing pain into ecstasy, religious or otherwise.

February 24, 2004

Conversations With God

United States: Pat Robertson has been having conversations with his invisible friend again.

Pat Robertson says that God has spoken to him and told him that George W. Bush will be re-elected because he deserves to be.

Here's Pat Robertson's exact quote: I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blowout.
Continue reading "Conversations With God"

February 21, 2004

Is Your Religion Unsanitary?

United States: Mark Morford is once more encouraging the fundie sheep to think for themselves.

Is your god really, really angry right now?

Is your god telling you, like it tells G.W. Bush every night, that your unwanted unprovoked ultraviolent war against a nearly defenseless nation is not only justified and righteous, but is His deepest wish?

And does your religion tell you, like it tells so many of the Christian Right, that homosexuals are a dire threat to humankind and should be stopped at all costs before the so-called gay agenda sneaks into the playground and the drinking water and the Spongebob scripts and starts covertly converting our blessed innocent hetero children to a life of sin?
Continue reading "Is Your Religion Unsanitary?"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 00:52 | View blog reactions

February 18, 2004

The order of things

This illustration of The Pagan Hierarchy or ...who looks down on whom... came to my attention via Teresa's Particles. It missed out the Pagan Prattle right at the top though...

The same source also led me to the Unintelligent Design Network, Inc., which adds to the Evolution/Creation stushie:

But instead of being swayed by either side, we at UDN, Inc. have found a theory that effectively merges the strengths of the two theories without the weaknesses. The intelligent design people say there are too many holes in the fossil record, and that evolution is only a theory; the scientists say there's not enough evidence of intelligent design. So we say, instead, that life has indeed been designed, just not very well.
Miller himself, a biologist, states on of our best illustrations. There have been 23 elephant-like animals in history, and yet only two survive today (and we add, they're not doing very well). Clearly, this is the mark of an all-powerful creator who is stuck on the same stupid idea and can't figure out why the hell they keep dying off. Hmm, perhaps it's because giant, big-eared mammals with huge, prehensile noses are ridiculous? I mean, WTF? A giant, powerful, grasping nose? It looks like something a preschooler would make up.
But there's more. The fossil record is littered with animals that prove God, er, whatever magical force designed life, is several fries short of a happy meal. I mean, look at the Dodo. Unlike other huge, successful birds like eagles and buzzards, our creator decided the next big thing would be a huge bird with teeny-tiny wings that didn't do squat. Add to this the fact that the stupid things practically jumped into the Portuguese sailors' cooking pots themselves.
Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 14:29 | View blog reactions

February 7, 2004

Antichrist du jour

We've heard before how George W. Bush is the Antichrist, and how Prince William is the Antichrist and reincarnation of King Arthur. But for one day only, marking his 93rd birthday, the folks at GayPornBlog, have declared Ronald Reagan is the Antichrist.

January 27, 2004

The Word of the Lord via IRC

The Netherlands: Just what you need to get the kids to really connect with the Lord; the original IRC logs to the Bible. As we all know, the Word of God was originally delivered in the form of an online chat.

Continue reading "The Word of the Lord via IRC"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 05:01 | View blog reactions

Jesus Does PowerPoint

Canada: Well, charts at least. With comments to the peanut gallery.

Enough with the leper questions. Let's get back on topic - Graham Roumieu (via HogBlog).

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 04:50 | View blog reactions

January 20, 2004

Late Holiday Thoughts

United States: Religious musings from the DNRC universe.

If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible, and that's a loophole that the DNRC should exploit, especially during the holiday season.
Imagine, if you will, that all DNRC members moved their holiday gift-buying from December to January to take advantage of the sales. Then imagine that the money saved on gifts is invested at 5% compounded interest for 80 years. You'll be dead by then, but your estates would be worth literally hundreds of dollars, maybe more. Anyway, the point is that it's easier to park at the mall in January, and that's something that Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha would all agree is a good thing. Especially Buddha, if you know what I mean.
Personally, I want a religion that says it's okay for me to RECEIVE gifts, while warning that I'll burn in hell forever if I try to GIVE any. Furthermore, if I open a gift that seems poorly thought-out, it would be my religious obligation to smash it against a wall while the giver watches in horror. Some people might say to me, Hey, where did you get that religion? Did you pull it out of your @$$? But people are polite and rarely ask that sort of question even when you think they should.

A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine - Dilbert Newsletter 52.0, December 2003.

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 01:39 | View blog reactions

January 14, 2004

Pet Foil Hat Technology

Canada: Before your pet's brainwaves are hijacked by the government, invest in a Pet Foil Hat Technology (PFHT).

Continue reading "Pet Foil Hat Technology"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 04:48 | View blog reactions

January 12, 2004

Dirty Secrets Aired in Public

United States: Mark Morford capures the essential stupidity of harassing innocent people in the name of security by pointing out that anybody's dirty secrets could be aired in public.

And look there, look how that conservative Christian U.S. congressman is just so red faced and enraged when they search through his manly black Samsonite carry-on and find, well, not just a nice new Bible and clean white Jockey underwear and assorted envelopes of cash from the director of Destroy Gay Marriage Now! of Colorado Springs, Colo.

Look there, just under the argyle sweaters and the signed head shot from Pat Robertson, at the stash of sticky Honcho magazines and some Hello Kitty Speedos and, lo and behold, the metal in the congressman's boots induces an unfortunate backroom strip search, where what do we see but the assorted bright red welts of spankdom as incurred from Mistress Carlita's Pleasure Bunker in downtown Phoenix, from the night before. Oh, Congressman.

Scenes From A Sad Airport - SF Gate, 9th January 2004.

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 03:24 | View blog reactions

January 5, 2004

Religious Wars in the United States

United States: Brian Morton takes a humorous look at how America is fast turning into the exact thing that supposedly prompted a war on Iraq — being a bunch of intolerant religious fundamentalists devoid of democracy.

Continue reading "Religious Wars in the United States"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 03:13 | View blog reactions

December 28, 2003

I Found Jesus...

...He was behind the sofa the whole time.

How can you pass up an eBay gem like this one? Think of all the fun you could have baiting the fundies in your neighbourhood. Of course, that is making the assumption that they can read.

I FOUND JESUS behind sofa button badge pin - eBay, 27th December 2003 (via Hogblog).

December 16, 2003

God issues cease and desist order

God is upset that people are pirating is literary works.

Citing misuse of His word, misquotation, and putting hardworking Bible printers out of work, God said he would now start hunting Bible pirating around the globe. I have to defend both my world-famous brand - the Bible and its distinctive likenesses - and the livelihood of those who create and distribute legal copies of it. Sure, they live not by bread alone, but website hits - someone else's website mind you - don't pay the bills for these folks.

But surely a book that old is out of copyright?

Not so, said God. Look, most copyright laws are based on something like the author's lifetime plus, let's say, 15 years. News flash: I'm still here.

God also points out that 'spreading the Gospel' is not fair use. God Considers Smiting Bible Pirates - BBspot, 15th December 2003.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 12:16 | View blog reactions

Perfectly tasteful site of the day

jesusishitler.com brings us the remarkable news that Jesus is Hitler.

Jesus first developed his severe hatred of Jews when he submitted a dreidel with a swastika painted on one of the four sides. The idea was rejected by the Jewish community because they thought the symbol was stupid and this hurt Jesus's feelings. The swastika was later used by Jesus as Hitler and is now known as a symbol of hatred toward Jews.

Needless to say, certain people are most upset by this terrible allegation:

DUDE YOU ARE A MOTHER FUCKING FAGGOT! GOD SENT HIS OWN SON TO DIE ON THE CROSS FOR YOUR SINS AND HERE YOU ARE CALLING HIM HITLER! WHAT KIND OF MOTHERFUCKING DUMB FUCK ASS CUNT WAD ARE YOU?!?! YOU ARE GOING TO BURN IN THE FIERY CHASM KNOWN AS HELL FOR THE REST OF ALL ETERNITY YOU STUPID DUMBFUCK!!! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL! THERE IS NO WAY JESUS COULD BE HITLER DUMBFUCK! ABOUT 2364518236519243517345 YEARS APART FAGGOT!!!! YOU SUCK NUTSACKS YOU FLAMING FAGGOT!!!

But the site's creators are unrepentent. At the top of the letters page we find a remarkable bit of psychoanalysis:

Appearantly a number of people have expressed some opposition to the undeniable fact that Jesus is Hitler. After going back and checking the facts on our end, we have come to the this conclusion: The following people are Hitlers.

(via Everlasting Blort)

December 11, 2003

Conquer the Sodomites!

Australia: Join us in enjoying the enlightening spiritual updates from the St Jensen's Parish Newsletter:

Continue reading "Conquer the Sodomites!"

December 10, 2003

A Helpful Guide for Surviving an Australian Christmas

Australia: Hark the Herald angels sing — your complete guide to the festive season Downunder.

Continue reading "A Helpful Guide for Surviving an Australian Christmas"

December 9, 2003

Yule (TM)

The Australian gives us a vision of a fully commercial festive season, with a piece about the flotation of Christmas Ltd.

The company has acquired patent protection over a range of Christmas trademarks from the Patent Office of IP Australia and anticipates rapid growth offshore once its applications for IP protection are processed in other jurisdictions such as the US and the UK.

There will, of course, be some changes:

For instance, depictions of Santa Claus, nativity scenes, Three Wise Men and other iconic representations will from next year be accompanied by the distinctive UBS "Three Keys" marque and Macquarie Bank's silver doughnut logo.
Christmas Ltd has also obtained copyright over music such as Jingle Bells, Silent Night and Away in a Manger. It will also receive royalties from the commercial production of any Christmas carols in Australia and New Zealand.

Glib tidings of good cheer - The Australian, 10th December 2003.

The unspeakable terrors are going to get you

Who will be eaten first? explains why you need to find Cthulhu, in the style of Jack Chick (thanks Ken).

December 6, 2003

No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior

United States: Duane and Matt fight it out over just whose personal saviour the lord is:

What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying that because I told you I'd been born again into new life in the love and grace of our Lord, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus. Let's get one thing clear: Jesus is my personal savior, not yours. I don't want you horning in on my eternal-salvation action.
Continue reading "No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior"
Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 02:21 | View blog reactions

November 27, 2003

Plug'n'Pray

Direct from Holy Corporation in Italy is Plug'n'Pray religion for the wired generation!

Do you need to change religion to grab the chance for a career outlook? Are you going to work abroad? Getting a new customised god is easy with Plug'n'Pray. A new spirituality and a new respectability can be yours at a mouse click.
Religious Gurus from all over the world compiled these kits for you. Religious and cultural habits are fully illustrated: audio and video files will teach you everything about prayers, mortification and purification rituals, as well as ready to use supplications, special formulas and sacred functions.

And don't think that you'll be left out if your stuck on the border where religious communities mix and discrimination rages. There's a the Plug'n'Pray Switch Edition. Conveniently available in Palestine (Muslim/Hebrew) and Ulster (Protestant/Catholic) versions.

Posted by Red Wolf in Intentional Humour at 03:02 | View blog reactions

November 24, 2003

Well that explains it

Pril has an interesting theory about Michael Jackson (not the beer one):

Several months prior to the release of Thriller, MJ was kidnapped by aliens. They replaced him with an extremely lifelike robot. Unfortunately, the robot was malfunctioning when it came off the assembly line (much like the Chrysler K-cars of the same period). Also, MJ has been letting Bat Boy live on the ranch, in a Kato Kaelin kind of way. The aliens, having realized their replacement wasn't functioning correctly, kindly left Bat Boy on the ranch to help keep an eye on him.

No hint as to how this information was acquired though.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 00:45 | View blog reactions

November 21, 2003

In Defense of Biblical Marriage

United States: Fundies in the US are getting in a tizzy over the Massachusetts Supreme Court's decision that limiting a cosy arrangement of one's financial affairs to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional, so some wag has consulted the Bible to determine how to redefine marriage to keep them happy:

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government.
Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.(Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10) *
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

September 21, 2003

Biscuithenge

So, which biscuits make the best Stonehenge-style stone circles? This question intrigued 100% Kitten, who promptly organised The hengiest biscuit world record attempt

With the use of a very bad camera and a bottle of high quality booze I decided to investigate, and set up the world biscuit henginess championship to decide once and for all. It would be a hard-fought contest for the ultimate title, and the dramatic unfolding of events at the final battle was no let down. Whilst favourites like the Chocolate bourbon confidently assumed that deliciousness was all, paying scant attention to presentation, the prize was stolen by the outsider, that with the least to offer in gustatory pleasure, but the most to gain from the prestige title.

August 21, 2003

I'm disappointed.

The Gematriculator is a service that uses the infallible methods of Gematria developed by Mr. Ivan Panin to determine how good or evil a web site or a text passage is. So I put it to the test:

This site is certified 29% EVIL by the Gematriculator

So how did it work that out?

Basically, Gematria is searching for different patterns through the text, such as the amount of words beginning with a vowel. If the amount of these matches is divisible by a certain number, such as 7 (which is said to be God's number), there is an incontestable argument that the Spirit of God is ever present in the text. Another important aspect in gematria are the numerical values of letters: A=1, B=2 ... I=9, J=10, K=20 and so on. The Gematriculator uses Finnish alphabet, in which Y is a vowel.

And don't forget, Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct. So there.

July 29, 2003

Improving the built environment

[An improved billboard]For some reason, a church in Essex has been advertising in Edinburgh. Some wag has improved one of the ads, as this picture by Seumas Macmhicean demonstrates (click on it for a bigger version - 76Kb).

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 21:20 | View blog reactions

July 24, 2003

The Anagrammed Bible

The Anagrammed Bible is:

an anagrammatic paraphrase of three complete books of the Old Testament. The letters in each verse (or, in some cases, block of verses) from the King James Version Bible are transformed into a new text with a similar meaning - sometimes straightforwardly, sometimes more fancifully, but always with respect for the meaning of the Biblical text and, of course, strict adherence to the anagram rule.

And most amusing it is too. For example, Proverbs 19:6 reads Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts in the King James Version, but the Anagrammed Bible is much blunter:

If that guy hath gold, every transient rat (victim in need of help) wants a five from him. Earn it!

(via Teresa Nielsen Hayden)

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 14:39 | View blog reactions

July 15, 2003

Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False

The same folk responsible for the parody fundie article railing against the evils of Apple Computer have apparently struck gold again, although all the links now redirect to a page of unrelated advertising, so I'll just have to take the word of the blogosphere. OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries have come up with an article detailing a Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair. Henry Farrell of Crooked Timber quotes some of his favourite bits:

My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey). Cassidy Turnbull presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey. (Elementary School level, first Prize).

He got it from Ezra Klein of Not Geniuses, who seemed to be taken in by it, but quoted this delightful piece:

Women Were Designed For Homemaking. Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

July 14, 2003

Atheism, and its carriers

Well-known spoof site Landover Baptist Church has come up trumps with How to Spot Atheists and Report Them to the FBI:

I've got to tell you, says Pastor Deacon Fred, that from what I've seen in the last few years, there are roughly 300 active Atheists living in the United States. I know that sounds like a lot of godless nuts, but I'm not exaggerating just to get your attention. Atheism is becoming a very serious epidemic because our projections show that within a mere eight years, our country will no longer have prison space to hold all of them. And that's not even taking into account the many folks who don't have the guts to admit at the family dinner table that they are Atheists, but spit in Christ's face in secret by failing to get down on their knees and repeat all the compliments He demands to hear. Most of the uncounted Atheists are in the closet and are too sissified to handle death threats from their Christian neighbors.

And Betty Bowers (Ameica's Best Christian) chips in too.

How can an Atheist be counted upon to raise a weapon and kill men, women and children for Christ? They can't! That's your answer.

(via Wallybrane's Martian Adventures.)

June 8, 2003

Little Blue Soccer Balls

Avedon led me to this amusing satire on religious hyposcrisy and terrorism in the United States.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 22:32 | View blog reactions

May 22, 2003

Oh my God, it's HUGE!

The Church of Jesus Penis is not work-safe, and it is extremely blasphemous! (via Gullibility is not in the Dictionary). Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 13:50 | Comments (2) | View blog reactions

April 8, 2003

Not the Bargain of the Day

Fed up with the way the US flag has been exploited by The Marketing Scum, Barry of Total Obscurity brings us Flag-o-Rama! Patriotic items for fanatical flagwavers.

Hammer of Justice - It's hammer time! Whether you're building a new church or constructing a killer new spice rack in your basement, you can be sure that your nails will be driven with the power of an all-American hammer. And if you're in the mood, this baby is awesome for braining non-flagwavers and other anti-American scum.

Women have some products to meet their special needs in the Udderly American Breastpump and Tampax™ Tampons of Glory. Some nice Photoshoppery here.

February 21, 2003

It was the Jews after all.

I got stuck in the snow in Boston on Monday, so I found nellsterr's parody on alt.conspiracy, Israel KNEW about blizzard!, rather amusing:

Well well well, what's this? It looks like Sharon knew about the snow to hit the East Coast, killing over 50 people, and did NOTHING about it.
Why isn't Herr Shrub and his dictatorship investigating this? Could it be that he's being blackmailed by Sharon and his ZOG machine? Just how much money does has Israel squeezed from him anyway? They must have SOMETHING on the Shrub family.
No doubt the shills will spout their usual garbage at this, but too bad. People are finally starting to realize what's going on out there and it's about time.

February 1, 2003

Going down

The Entrances to Hell website is the constantly updated catalogue of Entrances to Hell in and around the UK and clearly an essential guide when someone tells you where to go.

November 24, 2002

The Minor Arcana might take a little longer

Annabeth Robinson has created Playtarot--the Major Arcana done with Playmobil figures.

The idea behind the Playtarot website, was to create a fun website that combined my love of PlaymobilTM, the Tarot, and Digital Photography. The project has been a long one, taking two years to complete, using my spare time, and pocket money to buy the bits necessary to create each card. I have been an avid collector of playmobil stuff, for several years, and I've always liked their asthetic, so I already had a bit of a headstart. The toys themselves lend easily to a graphic look, and it was only a matter of coming up with the inspiration of making my own Tarot Deck, that fused the whole thing together. I always strive to have a sense of fun in all my work, so the two fell together easily.

It'd go nicely with what I want for Yule. (via bOINGbOING)

November 11, 2002

Rghyrtt Hrghhtiuhdfl!

Maybe Bill Schnoebelen and Jack Chick were right after all, if M'rgot Adl'r, Low Priestess of the Cthulhu Womyn's Knitting Cirkle is to be believed:

Cthonion Wikka is the spiritual inheritor of the various cults dedicated to the worship of the various dieties known as the Great Old Ones. Whether or not there is a direct lineage to these various cults is an issue of great debate, amongst both scholars and practioners. Practioners, however do not see the relevance of an unbroken line of descent, and instead focus their energies towards the present, and the grim future which awaites all mankind - the reawakening of the Great Old Ones.

Me, I'm looking forward to reading Fat-Lesbian-Witchcraft and its Origins Amongst the Cult of Shubb-Niggurath.

September 18, 2002

Wankers wanted

Masturbate for Peace aims to end conflict through self-love.

There's no greater antidote for war than love. Feelings of hatred and distrust form the necessary basis of armed confrontation. Replace those negative feelings with love and you're halfway towards resolution of any conflict.
However, any real love must start from within. You can't love others without loving yourself first. And, of course, masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love. So it's natural that we, the citizens of the world, are joining together to masturbate for peace.

Wankers can commit themselves to the cause via a form on the home page, and links are provided to sites offering detailed advice on better masturbation, to a range of erotica to help you along and to vendors of Viagra so you can keep going longer and make the world an even more peaceful place. (thanks Charlie!)

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 17:17 | View blog reactions

June 14, 2002

Everyone's blogging these days

God's LiveJournal:

Did I ever mention that the universe is only a little more than 33 years old? Except for pee_paw, of course... he's been around forever. I made it look older on purpose, with a little creative creating, like fossils, and strange carbon isotopes, and Joan Rivers, and implanted memories, so most of the experts are fooled. I guess it's sort of like when they put tits on a 10 year old Britney Spears.
Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 15:35 | View blog reactions

June 6, 2002

Not Bargain of the Day

LordCo (motto: Repentence is Futile) parodies those wonderful Christian products which feature regularly in the Prattle. Here you'll find Corpus Crispies - a breakfast cereal with The body of Christ PLUS 10 essential nutrients!, Christ-cut French Fries, and Communion Crunchies Wafer Snacks. Reading matter includes Repenthouse and Prayboy. Looking to the faiths of the future, LordCo offers the Lady Di Signature Halo Collection.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 15:23 | View blog reactions

May 21, 2002

Humour breaks out in Northern Ireland

I hope the existence of prodshopping.com is a sign that peace really is breaking out in Northern Ireland. It's

a new organisation aimed at promoting parity of esteem for the true Protestant sons of Ulster when it comes to e-commerce and retail therapy. As we know the taigs have got catholicshopper.com and, until now, the Ulster Protestant had nowhere to turn to stave off this attack upon his or her civil and religious liberties. With this in mind prodshopping.com was born. So Protestants of Ulster be sure to fight back through this site, buy all the old tack and tat you require here and be assured that the money will be going to finance my retirement to an island in the Pacific Ocean. Out there no one cares about a united Ireland.

As well as essential items for Drumcree, such a trebuchet sourced directly from the Middle Ages, weatherproof Union Flegs and the obligatory orange juicer, the site offers real, genuine, Protestant Holy Water

This water has been drawn from the River Boyne. A highly trained team from the 5th Battalion of the Free P. Incursionists staged a dawn raid on the foreign Irish state and brought back some water from the River Boyne. The water was collected from near the spot where the Loyalist Ulsterman King William of Orange defeated the pretender, and well known Sinn Fein member, James the Fenian.
Being sourced from the River Boyne is not enough in itself to make Holy Water. Only Holy Water from prodshopping.com has undergone the vital, and critical, step of having been blessed by the Protestant Pope Rev. Ian Paisley. Rev. Paisley is well known to us all and his position as a holy man with supernatural powers is well documented. Rev. Paisley said "I was only too pleased to bless this water for prodshopping.com" he went on to add "this water now has amazing healing powers."
So, if you have been out all night throwing bricks at the Fenians, and the PSNI, over the peace line in North Belfast this Holy Water is ideal to help heal those cuts and bruises.
Get your amphora of Holy Water drawn from the River Boyne and blessed by Rev. Ian Paisley plus a free Holy Water font (shown below) for only £1,273.95. The amphora is hand made in the Byzantine style and contains nearly half a litre of Holy Water. The water is not safe for drinking and Rev. Paisley says he has no control over bacteria and so accepts no responsibility for the well being of those who may drink this water either by choice or by mistake.
Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 14:41 | View blog reactions

April 22, 2002

Poisoned Apples

OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministies is meta-parody, a more subtle satire on Christian groups than the Landover Baptist Church web site it campaigns against. The essay OBJECTIVE: Creation Education rails against Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution:

The random variations of AIDS is not the same as the transmutation of species that Darwin wrote about and that is the basis of Secular Humanism. All those little changes aside, AIDS is still AIDS. Show us AIDS evolving into a cat -- which is essentially the Evolutionistic position of common ancestry for all lifeforms -- and then you'll have something worth noting.

The true source of all evil is Apple, offering us temptation, thereby aligning themselves with the forces of darkness:

However, these propagandists aren't just targeting the young. Take for example Apple Computers, makers of the popular Macintosh line of computers. The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called... Darwin! That's right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don't advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an Open Sourcelicense, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, lickable buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism.

Guilty as charged - the Prattle, both online and in print, is Made with Macintosh.

Posted by Feòrag in Intentional Humour at 12:42 | View blog reactions

February 12, 2002

Potter fans say Bible is evil

From an Australian satircal magazine:

OXFORD, Tuesday: A number of concerned British Harry Potter fans have spoken out against the Bible, claiming that the holy text of the Christian Church can cause serious damage to children. Reading the Bible teaches children to believe in the supernatural, said one English Literature academic from Oxford University, Lewis Williams. The tales of Jesus turning water into wine are fairly harmless, but there is a serious risk of children drowning if they try to walk on water, he said.

Harry Potter fans warn against dangerous effects of Bible, The Chaser 49.

June 21, 1994

Humour: The Congregants' Charter

by Rabbi Walter Rothschild (ignore any other bylines!)

[This was originally published in the Sinai Chronicle, the magazine of a Leeds synagogue and is reproduced with the permission of the editor. No attempt has been made to alter the original religious context—I leave it to you to contemplate the effects on the Neo-pagan community and exactly how the Gods would react to the provisions in section 5!]

Continue reading "Humour: The Congregants' Charter"

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