Recently in Blasphemous Rumour Category

March 22, 2011

We should be so lucky!

UK:


A study using census data from nine countries shows that religion there is set for extinction, say researchers.

The study found a steady rise in those claiming no religious affiliation.

The team's mathematical model attempts to account for the interplay between the number of religious respondents and the social motives behind being one.

The result, reported at the American Physical Society meeting in Dallas, US, indicates that religion will all but die out altogether in those countries.

Religion may become extinct in nine nations, study says ....

Religion may become extinct in nine nationsBBC News, 22nd March 2011.

October 26, 2009

A variation on an old classic

You know the one about the psychic being unavailable? Well here's a variation Red Wolf pointed out:

epic fail pictures
via FAIL Blog

September 12, 2009

Don't bother God with trivia

Austria: A devout Catholic who went to church to pray after being rescued from a lift was found dead after an unfortunate accident:

A devout Catholic who popped into church to thank God for a his rescue from a lift was crushed to death by a 860lb stone altar...

[Police spokesman Roman] Hahslinger concluded: He seems to have embraced a stone pillar on which the stone altar was perched and it fell on him, killing him instantly. We have found his fingerprints on the pillar. We are now investigating the case further.

God clearly prefers that thanks go to the rescuers, not Him.

Church altar smites devout CatholicThe Register, 10th September 2009.

August 1, 2009

God is incompetent

Scotland: A few days ago, a tornado hit Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis. Ten days or so before that, the first Sunday ferry sailed to Stornoway, and eight days (the Record got it wrong) after the first civil partnership took place on the island. It took less than 24 hours for a superstitious bampot to make a connection between these events and his imaginary friend.

The Reverend James Tallach, of the Free Presbyterian Church of Scotland, told the Record: I'm not in a position to say this was the will of God. I don't have that information here.

"But I am prepared to say that it's certain no good will come out of defying God's law.

"That is what a Civil Partnership does. What happened on Monday was in defiance of God.

"We have also seen a clear breach of the Fourth Commandment, which regards keeping the Sabbath holy. Sunday sailings were also against the law of God.

You can see why we keep these people on a small island a long way from civilisation. Anyway, we can draw one major conclusion from this: God has a really shit aim. He managed to miss the fuel depot for the ferries, for example. Furthermore, the Prattle has a contact on Lewis, a man who was on that first Sunday ferry and who wore a T-shirt designed to wind up the protesters. Obviously the sort of character God would want to smite, and indeed He got within about 20 metres. The exact quote was something like Well it hit number 34, but I live at number 32! Really, you can't get the deities these days.

Discussion in the pub also brought forth an interesting hypothesis: if we take the time between an event said to incur the wrath of God, and an incident which is said to be caused by the aforementioned wrath, then we can work out how far away God must be. Of course, this assumes a deity is bound by the speed of light.

Stornoway tornado was 'wrath of God', says ministerDaily Record, 30th July 2009.

February 19, 2009

Timing is everything

United States: A man walked into Robert H. Schuller's church, the Crystal Cathedral, and shot himself in front of a cross.

Betty Spicer, a volunteer usher at the famous sanctuary, said she greeted Smick when he entered. She said he handed her a folded note with two cards inside as the man told her: You may want this.

Spicer said he then walked to the foot of the cross. She and Yvette Manson, another volunteer, said they thought Smick was praying when they heard a pop.

The man used a semiautomatic handgun, said police Lt. Dennis Ellsworth.

At the same time, church volunteers were telling a group of visitors about the church's suicide prevention programme, which is based on prayer rather than anything with any basis in the real world.

Man kills self in SoCal televangelist's cathedralInternational Herald Tribune, 19th February 2009 (thanks, Pastor Best OPI),

December 17, 2008

The schadenfreude is strong in this one

United Kingdom: Perhaps if Woolies had not bowed to fundie pressure, and refused to sell things people want to buy, they might not have been in this mess now.

August 3, 2008

God Hates Phelps

United States: Westboro Baptist Church suffered a small fire, which destroyed a garage and a fence. Members of the church think it was deliberate, though we at Prattle Towers are of the opinion that it's because God hates them.

Small fire strikes Westboro BaptistThe Wichita Eagle, 2nd August 2008.

July 18, 2008

Cruel vegetable torture

Apparently if you electrocute a non-Christian, they will become Christian, and their arse will glow red and be a really inefficient lightbulb. Or something like that, anyway...

February 13, 2008

Zap!

Brazil: God has apparently smitten His own son in the traditional manner.

Amazing moment the world's biggest Christ was struck by lightningDaily Mail, 13th February 2008.

January 11, 2008

Miscelleny

A few headlines for you:

November 14, 2007

Darwin's Guide to Curse Removal

Two recent stories have highlighted the extremes to which people will go to rid themselves of their imaginary enemies.

New Zealand: A woman was drowned by her relatives in an attempt to rid her of a curse.

Janet Moses, a mother of two, was held under water in an attempt to drive away a makutu, or Maori curse. Containers holding an extensive amount of water were brought into the lounge of the house, in Wellington, for the ceremony...

The exorcism ritual was held because the woman's relatives believed a curse had been put on her after another member of her family stole a taonga, meaning treasured artefact, belonging to someone else.

India: A man has married a dog to help rid himself of a curse he believes he brought upon himself by stoning two other dogs to death.

Fifteen years back Selvakumar was physically fit. But, once he attacked a pair of dogs and thereafter Kumar could not move his limbs freely, the relative, Ramu, told the BBC.

He tried every cure for his ailment but could not be rid of his disability.

“On the advice of an astrologer and others, he decided to marry a bitch to get cured. Then we arranged Selvakumar's marriage with a bitch.

One wonders if such marriages are consummated.

Woman drowns during exorcism ceremonyThe Guardian, 12th November 2007; Man marries bitch to beat curseBBC News, 13th November 2007.

November 8, 2007

Court Report

The courts have been busy today, it seems.

Scotland: Police attended a séance in an attempt to find the killer of a Dundee woman in 1980. Fortunately, they didn't take it seriously.

Mr Robertson, who was a detective constable at the time, said there had been subdued lighting.

The officers had held hands, although not in an affectionate way.

I can recollect, possibly, at some time the woman was induced through some form of hypnosis to go to a spirit guide who took her to another area, he said.

The medium then gave information which he did not think had any bearing on the case.

I can say it was never considered to be a serious line of inquiry, added Mr Robertson.

He said the séance did not last long because the woman was unable to continue her charade.

Spain: God, it seems, has taken time off from worrying about pooves, and returned to His old trick of telling people to kill one another. In this case, He told a British man to kill and eat his girlfriend:

Following his arrest in 2004, Durant wrote to a British newspaper from his prison cell in Spain, saying that he had been driven to kill and eat Durrell by messages delivered to him by God via his television.

After I killed her I cut her body into small parts, eating what part of her I found eatable. I finally disposed of what was left in small rubbish bags around Calpe, he wrote.

My mental state was breaking down at this stage. I believed God had delivered her to me and I was getting messages from the telly.

Durant admitted manslaughter, and also told the court he had killed two people in the UK, including a man he claims abused him as a child. God's role in these killings was not explained.

Woods murder police 'held séance'BBC News, 8th November 2007; British man faces jail over 'message from God' killingThe Guardian, 8th November 2007.

July 10, 2007

God disapproves of books about Him.

United States: A man selling religious books is in a coma after being hit by lightning from a clear sky.

Hailu Kidane Marian was working with members of his religious group, selling religious materials door-to-door in a Northwest Miami-Dade neighborhood, when the bolt from the blue struck him down.

I heard a boom, and I looked and the guy jumped back, and he just laid there, stiff, said witness Maria Martinez.

Religious Book Seller Struck By LightningCBS5, July 9th 2007.

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