Intentional Humour: November 2003 Archives

Direct from Holy Corporation in Italy is Plug'n'Pray religion for the wired generation!

Do you need to change religion to grab the chance for a career outlook? Are you going to work abroad? Getting a new customised god is easy with Plug'n'Pray. A new spirituality and a new respectability can be yours at a mouse click.

Religious Gurus from all over the world compiled these kits for you. Religious and cultural habits are fully illustrated: audio and video files will teach you everything about prayers, mortification and purification rituals, as well as ready to use supplications, special formulas and sacred functions.

And don't think that you'll be left out if your stuck on the border where religious communities mix and discrimination rages. There's a the Plug'n'Pray Switch Edition. Conveniently available in Palestine (Muslim/Hebrew) and Ulster (Protestant/Catholic) versions.

Pril has an interesting theory about Michael Jackson (not the beer one):

Several months prior to the release of Thriller, MJ was kidnapped by aliens. They replaced him with an extremely lifelike robot. Unfortunately, the robot was malfunctioning when it came off the assembly line (much like the Chrysler K-cars of the same period). Also, MJ has been letting Bat Boy live on the ranch, in a Kato Kaelin kind of way. The aliens, having realized their replacement wasn't functioning correctly, kindly left Bat Boy on the ranch to help keep an eye on him.

No hint as to how this information was acquired though.

United States: Fundies in the US are getting in a tizzy over the Massachusetts Supreme Court's decision that limiting a cosy arrangement of one's financial affairs to opposite-sex couples is unconstitutional, so some wag has consulted the Bible to determine how to redefine marriage to keep them happy:

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government.

Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.(Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10) *

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)