Intentional Humour: December 2003 Archives

December 28, 2003

I Found Jesus...

...He was behind the sofa the whole time.

How can you pass up an eBay gem like this one? Think of all the fun you could have baiting the fundies in your neighbourhood. Of course, that is making the assumption that they can read.

I FOUND JESUS behind sofa button badge pin - eBay, 27th December 2003 (via Hogblog).

December 16, 2003

God issues cease and desist order

God is upset that people are pirating is literary works.

Citing misuse of His word, misquotation, and putting hardworking Bible printers out of work, God said he would now start hunting Bible pirating around the globe. I have to defend both my world-famous brand - the Bible and its distinctive likenesses - and the livelihood of those who create and distribute legal copies of it. Sure, they live not by bread alone, but website hits - someone else's website mind you - don't pay the bills for these folks.

But surely a book that old is out of copyright?

Not so, said God. Look, most copyright laws are based on something like the author's lifetime plus, let's say, 15 years. News flash: I'm still here.

God also points out that 'spreading the Gospel' is not fair use. God Considers Smiting Bible Pirates - BBspot, 15th December 2003.

Perfectly tasteful site of the day

jesusishitler.com brings us the remarkable news that Jesus is Hitler.

Jesus first developed his severe hatred of Jews when he submitted a dreidel with a swastika painted on one of the four sides. The idea was rejected by the Jewish community because they thought the symbol was stupid and this hurt Jesus's feelings. The swastika was later used by Jesus as Hitler and is now known as a symbol of hatred toward Jews.

Needless to say, certain people are most upset by this terrible allegation:

DUDE YOU ARE A MOTHER FUCKING FAGGOT! GOD SENT HIS OWN SON TO DIE ON THE CROSS FOR YOUR SINS AND HERE YOU ARE CALLING HIM HITLER! WHAT KIND OF MOTHERFUCKING DUMB FUCK ASS CUNT WAD ARE YOU?!?! YOU ARE GOING TO BURN IN THE FIERY CHASM KNOWN AS HELL FOR THE REST OF ALL ETERNITY YOU STUPID DUMBFUCK!!! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL! THERE IS NO WAY JESUS COULD BE HITLER DUMBFUCK! ABOUT 2364518236519243517345 YEARS APART FAGGOT!!!! YOU SUCK NUTSACKS YOU FLAMING FAGGOT!!!

But the site's creators are unrepentent. At the top of the letters page we find a remarkable bit of psychoanalysis:

Appearantly a number of people have expressed some opposition to the undeniable fact that Jesus is Hitler. After going back and checking the facts on our end, we have come to the this conclusion: The following people are Hitlers.

(via Everlasting Blort)

December 11, 2003

Conquer the Sodomites!

Australia: Join us in enjoying the enlightening spiritual updates from the St Jensen's Parish Newsletter:

December 10, 2003

A Helpful Guide for Surviving an Australian Christmas

Australia: Hark the Herald angels sing — your complete guide to the festive season Downunder.

December 9, 2003

Yule (TM)

The Australian gives us a vision of a fully commercial festive season, with a piece about the flotation of Christmas Ltd.

The company has acquired patent protection over a range of Christmas trademarks from the Patent Office of IP Australia and anticipates rapid growth offshore once its applications for IP protection are processed in other jurisdictions such as the US and the UK.

There will, of course, be some changes:

For instance, depictions of Santa Claus, nativity scenes, Three Wise Men and other iconic representations will from next year be accompanied by the distinctive UBS "Three Keys" marque and Macquarie Bank's silver doughnut logo.
Christmas Ltd has also obtained copyright over music such as Jingle Bells, Silent Night and Away in a Manger. It will also receive royalties from the commercial production of any Christmas carols in Australia and New Zealand.

Glib tidings of good cheer - The Australian, 10th December 2003.

The unspeakable terrors are going to get you

Who will be eaten first? explains why you need to find Cthulhu, in the style of Jack Chick (thanks Ken).

December 6, 2003

No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior

United States: Duane and Matt fight it out over just whose personal saviour the lord is:

What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying that because I told you I'd been born again into new life in the love and grace of our Lord, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus. Let's get one thing clear: Jesus is my personal savior, not yours. I don't want you horning in on my eternal-salvation action.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries in the Intentional Humour category from December 2003.

Intentional Humour: November 2003 is the previous archive.

Intentional Humour: January 2004 is the next archive.

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