Intentional Humour: March 2004 Archives

March 26, 2004

ATTENTION HOMOPHOBIC HETEROSEXUALS

Marc-Anthony Macon and his boyfriend are fed up of being told that they already have the same rights as straight men -- they may marry women. So, he's come up with a cunning plan:

Until you allow gay couples, nation-wide, to marry one-another, we will start marrying your potential mates.
That's right.
Gay men are going to cruise around and find the hottest women they can, and marry them. Don't think the women will be up for it? Let me ask you this:
If women were given the choice of marrying a straight man, who won't give them much sex after the first couple of years, or marrying gay men who will give them no sex, but allow them to sleep with whomever they want, along with taking them dancing, to romantic dinners, bring them random gifts of flowers, tell them how beautiful they are, remember their birthdays and anniversaries and decorate their homesÂ… Which marriage will sound better to them?

You have been warned...

March 19, 2004

Jesus Peanut Butter Cups

Let it be noted that Aloysius is in danger of getting a bill for the removal of nasal filtered beverages from the interior of my keyboard.

Little pieces of the son of god in a milk chocolate cup. There's no wrong way to eat a Jesus.

goats: strip from March / 13 / 1998 - Goats, 13th March 1998 (via HogBlog).

March 8, 2004

Practical blasphemy

The subject of this week's Photoshop Phriday over at Something Awful is Advertisements of the Christ. Readers were invited to alter screenshots from The Passion of the Christ in a creative manner:

The movie has garnered near universal praise for its accurate depiction of the life and struggles of Jesus, an olden day muckraker turned messiah. However, the movie has not been without criticism, largely due to its extensive use of product placement, which many people feel undermines the authenticity of the movie and cheapens the sacrifice of Jesus. To find out if the line was indeed crossed, the Something Awful Forum Goons went to the trouble of illegally videotaping the movie and then posting screenshots. Please take a look at their work and judge for yourself, as Jesus surely would if he was here.

March 6, 2004

God does nothing in San Francisco

United States: Mark Morford lives in San Francisco and is upset because nothing is happening.

Where is my raging apocalypse? This is what I want to know. Where is the social meltdown? The moral depravity? I was promised an apocalypse, dammit. What am I supposed to do with all these tubs of margarine and confetti and kazoos?

The fundies promised him riots, and other fun. Some even insist that it's happening, but all he can see out of his window is some lovely trees and a stunning blue sky and my neighbor walking by with her pair of matching chow chows.

It's anarchy, some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey. Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children.

He suspects that the good Christians might have been bearing a touch of the old false witness.

I believe I have been misled. I was told repeatedly in extra-glowing terminology by multiple raging Bible-quoting drones that The Good Book expressly forbids gay marriage and gay sex, and to engage in either spells imminent doom and instant social bedlam and there are specific verses all about it.

Perhaps God takes his time; perhaps Satan takes his time? They are quite old, after all:

Maybe it's still to come. Maybe total screaming misery and unspeakable sociocultural collapse coupled with wanton bestiality and incest and the giving away of free anal beads to innocent teenagers takes more than a month. Maybe I'm just a little impatient.
Maybe Satan is taking his sweet time to marshal his leather-clad armies, watching as other U.S. cities get in on the gay-marriage act, listening as mayors and governors all chime in their support and say what's the big deal. Maybe Beelzebub is waiting for a big moment so as to really leverage the coming news flash, the special report, the sudden activation of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Where Is My Gay Apocalypse? Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was promised hellfire. And riots. What gives? - SF Gate, 5th March 2004.

March 4, 2004

What's Popcorn in Aramaic?

United Kingdom: The wits over at The Guardian have come up with a glossary of useful Aramaic phrases to help enrich your enjoyment of The Passion of The Christ.

B-kheeruut re'yaaneyh laa kaaley tsuuraathaa khteepaathaa, ellaa Zaynaa Mqatlaanaa Trayaanaa laytaw!
It may be uncompromising in its liberal use of graphic violence, but Lethal Weapon II it ain't.
Da'ek teleyfoon methta'naanaak, pquud. Guudaapaw!
Please turn off your mobile phone. It is blasphemous.
Shbuuq shuukhaaraa deel. Man ethnaggad udamshaa?
Sorry I'm late. Have I missed any scourging?
Aykaa beyt tadkeetha? Zaadeq lee d-asheeg eeday men perdey devshaanaayey haaleyn!
Where is the loo? I need to wash my hands of this popcorn.

March 3, 2004

Tattoo Ideas for Jesus

United States: Last week the always amusing Mark Markford proposed a question in his Morning Fix Newsletter; If Jesus Christ were to get a tattoo, what would it be of, where would it go, and why? And the responses rolled in.

Darwin fish, left ankle. Eye in the Pyramid, both palms. — David Mountain
It would be of Magdalene, as his consort. He would put it on his chest near his heart, and it would be of her because every Male deity needs have a female shakti to balance him. — Christine Berger

March 2, 2004

Leviticus 11:9-12

God hates shrimp just as much as those icky pooves, don't you know?

Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

(via Sister Kitty Catalyst)

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries in the Intentional Humour category from March 2004.

Intentional Humour: February 2004 is the previous archive.

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