Intentional Humour: April 2005 Archives

April 15, 2005

A really educational abstinence-only site

AbstinenceOnly hopes to become the number-one ranked site for the keywords "Abstinence", "Abstinence Only" and "Abstinence Education" by providing the latest in abstinence education in a way that's both entertaining and informative. Information like this guide to the Biblcal story of Onan:

...there's nothing in vain about firing your load all over your faith partner's face and tits. The bible specifically admonishes Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground, so as long as your aim is good, you have nothing to worry about.

April 14, 2005

Fleecing for Dummies

Short on cash? Really need a luxury yacht, but don't have the pennies to hand? The solution? Open your own "money church", and get the poor to buy it for you! Just follow this simple tutorial from Bad Gas:

Money churches are the next big thing and the equation is a simple one: find a disused warehouse, school or office in a downtrodden area of London; clear it out and then fill it with chairs and a lectern; open your doors to innocent, God-fearing Africans at strange times of the week; whip them up into a religious frenzy, pass the collection plate around and watch your bank balance grow Thanks Be To God The Lord Saviour Our Reborn King.

A simple list is provided to help you with that all-important corporate identity:

April 9, 2005

The Party of Moderate Progress within the Bounds of the Law goes radical

United States: Jon Carroll, of the San Francisco Chronicle, has received a mysterious message via an anonymous spam remailer, purporting to be from a shadowy organisation called the Unitarian Jihad. It makes extremely undisturbing reading:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

And how does this Jihad plan to implement its unterrifying aims?

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for balance by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

Jon Carroll - San Francisco Chronicle, 8th April 2005 (via various LiveJournals).

April 7, 2005

Not the Bargain of the Day: Pope simulacrumb.

I thought I'd found it - Pope on a cookie??! It's a miracle!!, then I looked at the picture.

[Pope on a biscuit]So.... I was walking along a downtown path and tripped over this homeless guy. Out of his knapsack on a stick rolled out this AMAZING cookie with an image of the late pope on it. I was totally breath taken at this wonderful find! It was if the cookie was calling out to me. I just had to know how the old man came across such an amazing cookie. The old man started telling me the story of the cookie, but he was too intoxicated and I couldn't understand his babbling. He said if I allowed him to work for food, I could take the cookie home. I was planning on keeping it for myself, but it just looks too tasty and I'm afraid I will eat the pope. It has been tormenting me ever since and I just need someone to take this cookie off my hands.

The cookie does speak to me in my sleep. It constantly says, eat me, EAT ME but I just know it would be wrong. You just simply cannot eat such a miracle! I try to shut the voice of the cookie out of my mind, but it can also speak telepathically. I don't even see the cookies lips move! AMAZING!

The cookie appears to be of a chocolate chip variety. I don't know how delicious it is.....yet. If someone doesn't take this off my hands soon, its fate is to my belly.


April 5, 2005

Harry Potter is evil and Bush is the antichrist

Red Wolf commented:

If you ran a combined post citing Harry Potter as evil and Bush as the anti-Christ, would fundie heads explode?

So, in the true spirit of scientific enquiry, let's just say Harry Potter is evil and George W. Bush is the antichrist and see what happens.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries in the Intentional Humour category from April 2005.

Intentional Humour: March 2005 is the previous archive.

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