Recently in King Kevin Category

January 1, 2012

Look who's back

United Kingdom: And still full of himself.

So, if someone ends up getting hurt there, will he take responsibility for his actions?

July 28, 2007

Some telly programme

It seems that one of the new contestants on Big Brother is neopagan, and he must be serious. How do we know? Well, Kevin Carlyon couldn't miss an opportunity for self-publicity, could he? The self-appointed King claimed the contestant was a fraud:

High Priest of Loch Ness Kevin Carlyon told the Record: "This joker contacted me about a month ago, begging for a crash course in witchcraft to help him win a contest.

Yes, the Englishman, who lives on the south coast of England, is calling himself "High Priest of Loch Ness" these days! There again, even treating Carlyon's exposé as the bollocks it almost certainly is, the contestant seems to be a few bristles short of a broomstick.

BIG BROTHER new boy David Parnaby last night claimed he is a real-life wizard... just like Harry Potter.

The first Scottish contestant of this series works as a fashion store manager but claims to be a practising pagan who loves dressing up and putting nettles in his bedroom for spells.

Without photos it's impossible to tell, but Parnaby might be a bit of a goth -- he apparently turned up at the Big Brother house wearing a black kilt and heavy eye make-up.


December 21, 2003

Lonely this Christmas

United Kingdom: There you are, King of the Witches and dead, dead powerful—you know you are because you told the tabloids loads of times, and they printed it, so it must be true. So what do you do with these amazing poweres? Bring about world peace, an end to hunger and a cure for AIDS? How about influencing the pop charts so that one piece of inane tripe is number one at Christmas, at the expense of another piece of inane tripe.

And Kevin [Carlyon, who else?] revealed the witches were also using their powers to try and keep Ozzy's single with daughter Kelly at the top of the charts for Christmas thwarting a rival effort by the Pop Idol finalists.

And for good measure, just to emphasise that you only do white magic, how about cursing Simon Cowell for being rude about Ozzy Osbourne? WITCHES' SPELL ON COWELL FOR OZZY BIKE SLURThe Daily Record, 20th December 2003.

December 9, 2003

Silver lining

England: One of King Kev's acolytes could well have the good fortune to be booted out of his coven after a binding spell on her boyfriend failed to work and, according to Kev, it's the law of return, which he claims only works when you do something negative.

Carrie, 23, a member of the British Coven of White Witches, cast a spell using ancient symbols written on a piece of paper, and left it in the shop.

But the spell failed to work its magic in Campbell, who was jailed after a visit to a brothel.

WITCH AND CHIPSThe Daily Record, 8th December 2003.

August 22, 2003

Missed one!

United States: Forget deregulation and the neglect of the grid by private companies who don't want to spend money on expensive infrastructure. Forget faulty transformers, or the rank stupidity of using a Windows-based set-up to run nuclear pwoer stations. No, the massive blackouts in the US last week were caused by the US government storing electricity for some unspecified nefarious purpose. According to whom? Self-appointed witch king Kevin Carlyon, of course. White Witch Claims US Government Sapped ElectricityNC Buy News, 18th August 2003. (noticed by Gullibility isn't in the dictionary.)

June 13, 2003

Nessie fails to pay attention to Kev.

United Kingdom: Kevin Carlyon has admitted, in a roundabout way, that his spells aren't very effective. Two years ago, the English self-styled witch king cast a spell to scare off Nessie, and now he claims he has reversed it so that Nessie will be seen again. But even he notes there have been very few sightings over the last couple of years (i.e. just as many as usual), so it doesn't look as if Nessie paid much attention to his garbled ritual.

During Friday's ceremony, Carlyon said he cast a talisman into the loch -- a flat stone inscribed with ancient Nordic runes and witchcraft symbols -- while chanting the incantation: Let Nessie be free, may her spirit be free, so may it be.

The BBC gives more details:

On Friday, Mr Carlyon, a former wrestler, strode around the four cardinal compass points at the loch and called on the elements of earth, air, fire and water to use their powers to let Nessie surface to safety...

...The white witch also threw a lump of iron ore into the water which came from Hastings.

The rock carried runic symbols of peace as well as Latin words which he said meant surface and to be safe.

The reports neglect to mention whether he ascribed any great Pagan significance to his chosen date -- Friday 13th. Witch to Loch Ness Monster: 'Don't Be Shy' Reuters, 13th June 2003; Spells cast to lure monsterBBC News, 13th June 2003.

February 24, 2003

Scottish Pagans Refute Allegations Of Involvement In Attacks On Horses

Scotland: Below is the Pagan Federation's statement on the horse attacks from a few months ago. While we're at it, John Macintyre would like to point out (as if we hadn't guessed) that he did not describe himself as Scotland's chief Pagan—that was the press.

February 21, 2003

All Hail King John!

Scotland: The Herald's reporters are confused. The Prattle first reported that Pagans had been blamed for a series of weird attacks on horses back in October, though it turned out to be a combination of King Kevin and the over-active imaginations of a few journalists. The SSPCA subsequently apologised for linking Pagans to the attacks, but no-one told The Herald.

According to David Montgomery in today's paper, an expert in religiously motivated crime has been called in by animal welfare workers to help investigate a series of attacks on horses that may be linked to the occult calendar and connected with the work of shamans or witch doctors.

Someone looked at statistics for various attacks and they seemed to start in October and end at Easter. This might tally with the occult calendar, said [Doreen Graham, a spokeswoman for the SSPCA]. The god of the horse is Mars, and the day that relates to Mars is Tuesday. Some of the attacks happened late on a Monday night or early on a Tuesday.

Easter is a well-known Pagan holiday, yet no-one seems to have made a connection with those months being dark, something even a nutter (the most likely suspect) will notice.

The SSPCA inquiry, being run jointly with the RSPCA in England, will continue until December, after which Dr Hoskins and John MacIntyre, the chief pagan for Scotland, will analyse the results.

The Pagan Federation's representative for Scotland was unavailable for comment on his sudden promotion. Occult expert in hunt for horse attackersThe Herald, 21st February 2003.

January 17, 2003

Kev the media whore (again)

While conspiracy theorists are likely to make much of the next Harry Potter book being released on 21st June, self-appointed witch king Kevin Carlyon thinks that the book will be cursed because the summer solstice release date will offend 'real' witches. Hurry PotterDaily Record, 17th January 2003.

November 20, 2002

Nominations are open

The Pagan Hall of Shame award is the start of a campaign to rid the Pagan community of those who do Paganism a dis-service by their utter lack of style. And the first winner? Step up our friend Kevin Carlyon!

Nice title! Is that a chest wig? Kevin's robe looks like a converted dressing gown. And I think next time Witch-King Kev goes out to magically protect the loch ness monster, he should think twice about his choice of Giant Pentacle (incidentally, you'll notice that the Giant Pentacle is a recurring theme here).

(Thanks, Tez.)

November 7, 2002

Arse, meet elbow.

Kevin Carlyon clearly hasn't seen Bollocks and Broomsticks. He has a page on his website, Its a Kinda Magic (sic.) on which he states:

At last its over. The film is out, kiddies are happy and I can lift my spell on Harry Potter as the long awaited acknowledgement that the broomstick was the wrong way around has been received.

(thanks Carol)

November 6, 2002

King Kevin (again)

Scotland: Grampian Police have foolishly accepted the 'advice' of self-appointed witch king Kevin Carlyon, claiming he's helped catch horse abusers in the past. He specifically claimed he had helped police in Hampshire to catch a "horse ripper" in 1993, but a Hampshire police representative told the Prattle that they have no record of this whatsoever.

According to King Kevin, the high point of the Pagan calendar is the Winter Solstice not Samhuinn as Christian fundies insist. He told The Scotsman

There's a nasty black magic cult in the north of Scotland. I know that on top of the cases which have been reported, many more have not. The police are looking into it and I want to help in any way I can. We are not talking about schoolkids here, but people who believe they can summon up Satan and fly. We are talking about people who believe they are pagans and work on the old calendar, culminating at the winter solstice on 21 December. In the old tradition, cutting off a horse's tail is supposed to make you fly. They think it will make them like Pegasus. I have seen this pattern before and my instinct tells me that the attacks won't stop here.

The Winter Solstice will fall on December 22nd this year.

There will be an interview with John Macintyre about the attacks on tomorrow's Lesley Riddoch show on BBC Radio Scotland, and there's a chance that King Kevin will be on the show too. In a message sent to Pagan mailing lists, Val Dobson notes:

The show will be taking messages and calls: Telephone 0500 92 95 00, text 07940 92 95 00. To email you have to fill in a form here. If you're in Scotland, please listen and maybe send in a message. What's most important is to counter the claims of KC. His claims include: Putting a Death Curse on Prince Charles & Lady Diana when he was refused permission to perform a ritual to Herne in Windsor Great park; Providing major assistance to Hampshire Police in a horse mutilation case in 1993 and giving further help in other cases in Wiltshire in 1999

He's made other claims about helping the police in various cases over the years. If anybody has hard info that counters any of his nonsense, could they please post it here and I'll collect it pass it on... Even if KC doesn't appear on the show, it's important to gather some facts to counter him. Far too many journos rely on him as an "expert" on witchcraft, so we need to show them that he's a puffed-up windbag with no real knowledge.

White witch invited to help police after series of attacks on horsesThe Scotsman, November 2nd 2002 (thanks Val).

October 28, 2002

Pagans blamed for cruel horse attacks

Scotland: Superstitions about witchcraft aren't restricted to those parts of Africa and the Indian sub-continents where education is a rarity. Sometimes it happens in a country known for its high levels of literacy, like Scotland, for example.

The National Equine Welfare Council blames Neopagans for a series of attacks on horses in Aberdeenshire between October and Easter (that well-known Pagan holiday), and which have recently resumed. In the recent cases, horses tails were hacked off with a blunt instrument. They claim their reseach has demonstrated the link, but what was their source? Step forward Kevin Carlyon:

Kevin Carlyon, the High Priest of British White Witches, said some people who dealt in black magic thought animal parts could give them supreme, occult power.

Scots are being told to look out for pentagrams and double-headed axes.

A recent article in Fortean Times revealed that the leading suspect in South American cattle mutilations was a mouse. Horse attacks may be witchcraftBBC News, October 28th 2002.

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