Religious Tat: July 2005 Archives

United States: This isn't the first time the Prattle has featured a vampire killing kit, but the last one had more of an historial significance, was auctioned by Sotheby's rather than someone in desperate need of a clue about the misuse of the caps lock key and didn't appear to have been assembled by someone who watches way too many Hammer horror films.

Enjoy it in all it's eye-searing glory:

The modern vampire has been influenced by goths and is a bit more fussy. You can't use just any only sharp, pointy bit of wood to get rid of them these days, you need UNIQUE ONE OF A KIND 1 DOZEN VAMPIRE STAKES:

WHAT MAKES MY STAKES SO DIFFERNT? EACH ONE IS HANDCRAFTED BY ME AND PAINTED BLACK FOR PROTECTION FOR YOU. THEY EACH HAVE ALSO BEEN ANOINTED WITH SPECIAL ESSENTIAL OILS USED FOR EXTRA PROTECTION FOR YOU. I HAVE ALSO DONE A PROTECTION RITUAL OVER THEM FOR YOU. NOT FOR KIDS THEY ARE VERY SHARP. THEY ARE 10 INCHES LONG AND COME 12 TO A BOX.

Staking a vampire in the heart with a wooden stake is the most popular way of destroying vampires. This method of killing a vampire has been around for literally hundreds of years. The stake must penetrate the vampire's heart to destroy it. In medieval times the stake was also used as prevention of vampires. Deceased individual who were thought to have a higher risk of becoming a vampire were staked in their coffins so that the stake would pin them to the ground.

SORRY PICTURES BAD I HAVE A CHEAP WEBCAM THAT SUCKS.

KEEP MY AUCTION ON WATCH PLEASE. ID REALLY LIKE TO MAKE IT ON EBAY PULSE AND I NEED THE HELP OF THE KIND HEARTED EBAY MEMBERS. IF YOU WANT ME TO WATCH YOUR AUCTION JUST MAIL IT TO ME AND I WILL IN RETURN.

I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU USE THEM FOR AFTER THEY ARRIVE AT YOUR HOME. USE COMMON SENSE AND HAPPY HUNTING

At first glance, this Virgin Mary Image on A Stone Carved by Nature, Found on the Beach does bear a resemblance to the Virgin Mary, but look more closely - in particular at the area the vendor thinks is her arm:

Three years ago I was walking along a beach in Michigan, enjoying the beautiful sunny day wrought by God's handiwork. I stepped on a stone and bent down to rub my foot when I noticed this stone was very polished and smooth. When I picked up the stone I was stunned to see that the image of our Virgin Mother was staring at me! I have kept this stone with me, showing it to friends and relatives. The image is on a raised stone upon stone. Someone noted that it may be a fossil on top of the stone. The difference with this Mary is that she appears to have a hand over her eyes, as she herself cannot face the horrors of humankind. As I hold it, I feel such a sense of security and serenity. It has been my treasure and I am now offering it to pass along the solace it has given me.

Now, if that's an arm, then the BVM has two elbows. I see two possibilities - one is that she suffered from elephantosis, the other being that it isn't the Virgin after all, but some pagan goddess, and that's a whopping great dildo she's got there!

Bad karma is a terrible thing, but you can absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions by investing just $7(US) in a bottle of Karma Guard:

Karma Guard will cleanse your soul and clear the air with a single spray. It contains purified water and wild Ginseng root, the same Ginseng that has been used by spiritual masters for over 2000 years for its spiritually enhancing qualities, one of which hastens the burning up or cleansing of Karma. Throw it in your purse, keep it on your desk, stick in your beach bag or workout bag, or right there on your nightstand — anywhere that bad Karma can strike.

Or you can buy it on eBay (for a bargain $29.99), and get a much more exciting description:

What is it? It’s a spray, it’s a shield, it’s a badge of awareness … it’s KARMA GUARD! Just when you thought it was safe to trash, bad mouth and dis, comes the antidote for any evil thought you may have. As you feel those nasty words leaving yours or someone else’s lips, whip out the bottle with the shield and remember: Just one spray keeps the bad Karma away. Karma Guard will cleanse your soul and clear the air. It contains purified water and wild Ginseng root; the same Ginseng that has been used by spiritual masters for over 2000 years for it’s spiritually enhancing qualities, one of which hastens the burning up or cleansing of Karma. So as the light scented mist of Karma Guard sprays across your face, it makes you stop and think … whoa, that was bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! Let the contents within this hallowed bottle put your smile back on and remind you of what good feels like. Throw it in your purse, keep it on your desk, stick in your beach bag or workout bag, or right there on your nightstand — anywhere that bad Karma can strike. Karma Guard was first conceived of 20 years ago by two hit songwriters, Andy Goldmark and Bruce Roberts, responsible for mega- records by Jessica Simpson, Cher, N’Sync, Celine Dion, Elton John, Barbra Streisand to name a few. They realized that thriving in the treacherous waters of the music business necessitated some kind of protection for one’s soul in order to survive with anything resembling a conscience, much less a shred of decency. What started out as a running joke between them, soon evolved into a tool of awareness. Even though the Karma Guard bottle and design would not spring into being until now, the concept was alive and well particularly when they or anyone around them acted with a severe lack of ethics, morals or the slightest regard for anything that was obnoxious. Just verbalizing the need for Karma Guard in any given situation was enough to summon it’s power and invoke a Karmic righting of wrong, if only imagined at the moment. It took a little time but these two guys realized that being as civilization was going to hell in a go-cart, they might as well try to save it or at least create a thought provoking detour… AND NOW-- Here it is - the ultimate road tested remedy for the Universe’s biggest, baddest boomerang - - out in time to keep you somewhat honest, partially decent but definitely mo’ better than you were before. So remember, be good to your Karma and it will be good to you. And a little spray along the way won’t hurt either… Karma Guard! You say they don't carry it on the Wal-Mart near you? Hard to believe; but this IS your lucky day! For the first time ever on eBay-- and straight from the the creators themselves-- the Ari Bhod auction for the preservation of Tibetan cultural heritage is making this available in any town in the world where Wal-Mart or Target hasn't stocked it yet. And whether you're Dick Cheney or a high lama we're starting it a price someone with PERFECT karma or less than perfect karma can afford. And no reserve. PAYMENT: PayPal or money order

Today's extra special offering on eBay is one of those old-fashioned, electricity hungry lightbulbs, though large utility bills won't be a problem, as it looks as if it doesn't work. But, you can't get much (any?) cash for an old lightbulb, so what's for sale is marketed as a Religious Icon Light Bulb One-Of-A-Kind True Miracle! The vendor admits that they have no idea what the miracle depicts, but those with spiritual eyesight will know. It's Said to have likeness of Jesus, Virgin Mary, or Angel.

This auction is for a one-of-a-kind, never ever intentionally created light bulb. It was FOUND in the wilderness rock hunting in Wyoming in the Big Horn Mountains about 8 years ago. It is truely a miracle. Like the grilled cheese sandwich, or the pretzel this has a likeness of what has said to be by friends and family members to be Jesus Christ, The Virgin Mary, or an Angel. This light bulb, unlike that sandwich or the pretzel is a solid piece of material that won't decay. I have been too afraid to put it into a lamp with power. Therefore I do not know if it will turn on, and I am not going to try. This is too miraculous for anyone to believe. I cannot believe I found it. Also, there is a slight crack across the top of the head, that looks like a halo. You can barely see it, but if you look close enough you will find it. This light bulb is truely miraculous. Anyone who believes in God or any religion knows the value of this bulb. So please bid with full intention to pay the item price. This is not a joke at all. It is a real light bulb with a real likeness that was probably caused by the sun hitting it. I am not totally sure what caused it, but this likeness is PURE WHITE.

Bidding starts at a mere $999.99 (US).

A rather remarkable item has appeared on eBay today: OWN GOD'S REAL HAIR! Depicted is a lock of brown hair, tied with a white ribbon, and a remarkable claim.

You Heard it Right! You too can own a piece of Salvation, a little light in the darkness, or perhaps the ultimate Status Symbol. Forget the intangible, amaze your study groups.

Buy a Lock OF God's Hair RIGHT NOW!

You know, I expected it to be grey or white.