Religious Tat: December 2005 Archives

Not so much a Bargain, as a hint as to what I'd like to see in my stocking in four days from now: a Mini Santa Cthulhu Plush (scroll down). In fact, practically everything on this page will do, except the first six items, the hand puppet, and Cthulhu the King, all of which I have. Perhaps not the hat either, because I think my own design is better (and I know it is definitely warmer and looks less like something worn by neds from Bathgate). The Miskatonic University Graduate Cthulhu Plush is particularly appealing. I wish that had been available way back in the mesolithic, when I finished university.

Okay, maybe four days is a bit soon. I can wait till Hogmanay.

Today's bargain is a totally unique Cthulhu Dildo Cthozy (He'll make you shout IA! IA! CTHULHU FTHAGN!!):

Yes, from the deranged mind (I prefer the term "Mad Genius") that brought you the Flying Spaghetti Monster Dildo Cozy, comes a new evil. A new evil who will keep your tentacle warm while he waits for the stars to align.

100% acrylic, the Great Old One is suitable for those with wool allergies, and is technically washable, if relatively fragile. Putting him in a pillowcase, although it's an insult to the Elder Gods, might be appropriate.

This is a one-of-a-kind art piece, so I will not be making more. Get it now, or you'll have to wait until he comes to eat and enslave us for a second chance.

IA! IA! CTHULHU FTHAGN!!

So, you know that Christmas isn't even slightly Christian, but those twee fluffy bunny Pagans have no idea how to have a good time. May we at Prattle Towers recommend A Very Scary Solstice—the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society Solstice carol album and songbook.

We returned to the studio with a bigger-than-ever cast of actors and professional singers. Thrill to the magnificent sounds of the Dagon Tabernacle Choir. Marvel at the exsquisite harmonies of the Arkham Carolers. Tap your tentacles along with the Dunwich Children's Chorale. All twenty-five numbers are professionally produced and recorded with the same maniacal care that made A Shoggoth on the Roof such a disturbing achievement in musical theatre. From beatific choirs to maniacal mariachis, there's something for everyone in this first-ever CD of Lovecraftian Solstice Carols.

You too could wander the street of your town entertaining people with such delights as Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town, Have Yourself a Scary Little Solstice, Oh Come All Ye Olde Ones, Silent Night, Blasphemous Night and Away In A Madhouse. Free samples, including MP3s and sheet music available to whet your appetite, and that of the Great Cthulhu.

Recently, at a convention, I was handed an intriguing item. It was a small plastic baggie containing one of those affinity bands, in black. It was an Original Cthulhu Fhtagn Wristband.

It all started when I was on the Tube, and found myself thinking There are all these wristbands available to raise awareness of various worthy and important causes. So why has nobody produced wristbands to raise awareness of the inevitable return of the Great Old Ones? After all, the inevitable demise of humanity amid the brain-melting horror of an awoken Cthulhu is something it's probably worth being aware of.

But people need go unaware no longer! You too can show your awareness of the inevitable doom that awaits us all with your very own rubbery Cthulhu Fhtagn wristband, available at very reasonable prices (plus a portion of your immortal soul, naturally. Call it a subscription model.)

And it even comes with a money back guarantee!

In the event of your wristband aligning the stars, bringing about the return of the Great Old Ones and thus causing the destruction of all humanity by screaming horrors from beyond the stars and/or the depths of the seas, you will receive a full refund.