Christian Religious Tat: February 2007 Archives

February 28, 2007

Bargain of the Day: religious mobile phones

The Wall Street Journal has an interesting article about special religious models of phones, and I have to say that I sympathise with the rabbi who requested a phone suitable for Ultra-Orthodox Jews:

Cellphone companies, at the time, had started to load their products with entertainment features, and the rabbi wanted none of it. He was in search of a phone without Internet capabilities or text messaging. He didn't want cameras, music downloading, or anything else that could distract the pious. He was looking for a device that could make and receive calls. Period.

The article goes on to discuss Christian ringtones, and other tacky services aimed at Christians, then onto phones which include features useful to Muslims:

Dubai-based Ilkone Mobile Telecommunication in 2005 launched a phone in the Middle East with an internal compass that tells users the direction of Mecca, where Muslims face when they pray. Ilkone, which comes from the Arabic word for "universe," also equips its phones with a Hijri, the Gregorian calendar, and alerts users to prayer times with an alarm that features an actual muezzin's voice. It also has a complete version of the Quran, with an English translation.

Me, I want a phone which can be used anywhere in the world, is good at phoning and texting, with the ability to store lots of numbers, has no camera, no Microsoft and no other extraneous crap. Is this too much to ask? Oh yes, and a loop from which to hang Hello Kitty dangly things.

New Cellphone Services Put God on the LineWall Street Journal, March 26th 2006. (Thanks, Fluff the Plush Cthulhu)

February 20, 2007

Bargain of the Day: knackered telly

I have this strange feeling that the vendor of today's bargain is not being entirely serious in their description of their wares, but the Miracle TV! Permanent TBN Phone Number Cures Ailments! does come with a video!

Up for sale here is 1 Miracle Television set guaranteed to cure any ailments and perform all miracles*. Operates without electricity, as seen above.

Miracles include but are not limited to:

Water to wine.

Parting of large bodies of water.

Produce manna from heaven.

Manifestation of fiery chariots.

Multiply loaves and fishes.

Kill Giants.

Walk on water.

Heal the sick and raise the dead.

Bring peace to all nations.

True story; We turned the TV off, but TBN's phone number remained! Is it a sign? YES. It is the 21st centuries' seraph! I had a vision. I must sell this TV set so that it may be released unto the World. For me to keep it would bring a curse upon my household.

Works great. Controller included.

*not responsible for any statements made nor the repercussions of said televisions actions

February 13, 2007

Bargain of the Day: Jesus' LJ

Today's bargain is a rather unique diary, in so far as something of which there are multiple copies can be unique. MY HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL: JESUS APPEARED TO ME & TOLD ME THE FUTURE, CANCER'S CURE, HEAVEN'S LOCATION & MORE contains interesting views on astronomy, immunology and international politics. It's also decorated with a load of pentagrams.

Diary containing messages from JesusThe winner of this auction will receive my handwritten journal where I have described the four messages of Jesus Christ who has appeared to me. Feel free to ask questions via eBay.

JESUS HAS SPOKEN AND MY JOURNAL IS THE DOCUMENTATION OF THIS WORLD EVENT. The most important message is Jesus' foretelling of the future. The future is up to us. We are on the brink of destruction. We must act quickly. Politicians must take notice! IF WORLD PEACE DOES NOT COME BEFORE 2021 HUMANS WILL BECOME EXTINCT.

Jesus revealed four specific things to me:

#1: The precise location of Heaven

#2. The cure for cancer

#3. The solution for the achievement of world peace.

#4. He revealed the future to me.

I will briefly discuss each of the four revelations now.

#1. THE PRECISE LOCATION OF HEAVEN: When we die we will become stars... Literally stars! Jesus Christ is our Earth's sun. That is why we are His... Because we come on one of His planets. When we die and become stars we, too, will be blessed by wonderful special planets which orbit us and bring us great happiness. God the Creator is also a star... The first and the greatest. Two thousand years ago Jesus said I am the Light of the World. Jesus now wants us to understand that this means He is the Sun and that when we die, we will become stars too.

#2. THE CURE FOR CANCER: The cure for cancer is actually the knowledge of the precise CAUSE OF CANCER. We already know the cures for cancer, mainly prevention and early detection. Also chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and alternative medicine. We also are acutely aware of the roles of carcinogens, environment, heredity and diet. But what is the PRECISE AND SOLE CAUSE OF CANCER? CANCER OCCURS WHEN WE EAT OUR OWN FLESH. (Two very simple examples of eating our own flesh are biting our cuticles or biting our lips.) When a piece of our own flesh is digested, microscopic fragments of our own DNA enter the bloodstream. If a piece of this DNA enters a vulnerable cell, the nucleus of the cell identifies the 'food' as 'self' and this causes a 'circuit' to be blown in the nucleus. When (and if) that cell goes to divide, it does so in a haphazard fashion, dividing into four instead of into two and the mutation continues. There is an interesting correlation to Christianity here. Jesus told us to take His flesh and eat it. Now he wants us to know not to eat our own flesh in any way because it is deadly.

#3. THE SOLUTION FOR THE ACHIEVEMENT OF WORLD PEACE: This is so simple! According to Jesus, the way to achieve world peace is this: An AMERICAN president has to set a goal for WORLD PEACE BEFORE 2021. (President Kennedy did something similar when he set a goal for the USA to land a man on the moon in the 60's.)

#4. JESUS REVEALED TO FUTURE TO ME: The future will go one of two ways: If world peace is not achieved before 2021 the world will destroy itself. If world peace is achieved before 2021, there will be no more natural disasters. Notice that Jesus did not say that HE would destroy the world. Rather, we will destroy it ourselves with our greed and hatred.

Jesus appeared to me on March 17, 1984. He appeared to me in my dorm room at Holy Name Hospital School of Nursing in Teaneck, New Jersey. I was 28 years old at the time. He instructed me to try spread His solution for the achievement of world peace and to work towards it. He instructed me to try to tell people the precise location of Heaven. And he instructed me to try to share the cure for cancer. BUT He told me NOT TO TELL ANYONE He had appeared to me until after the dawn of the new millennium when I would receive a sign. The sign would be a huge natural disaster. For a brief while I thought the events of September 11, 2001 were the sign that I should come forth to tell people that Jesus had appeared to me. However, I knew that Jesus had said it would be a NATURAL DISASTER so I remained silent. Then the tsunamis of December 2004 hit. I have been trying to 'go public' since then.

I have decided to go with Ebay in an effort to spread the messages of Jesus.... The winner of this auction will be given my hand written journal which tells the story of Jesus' visit and the messages He revealed to me..

GOOD LUCK BIDDING AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

I am not claiming that this journal is the only one in existence. As of October 4, 2006, I have sold two journals. Each contains the same story, yet each one is unique.

Update: It seems the producer of these journals has a web site.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries in the Christian Religious Tat category from February 2007.

Christian Religious Tat: July 2003 is the previous archive.

Christian Religious Tat: April 2007 is the next archive.

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